An Overview of a Year: as Experienced Through Our Third Adoption Journey

When we started this third adoption process, we knew it would be an emotional experience.  Our last two were no exception, but we just didn’t realize the kind of emotions we would have to process this time through.  During our adoptions of Jon and Lexy, we dealt with the anxiety of waiting and the pain of separation in between trips.  We dealt with the concern over what our “normal” would now look like, once they both arrived.  This time around though, we have dealt with so much uncertainty and sadness.  My goal, as 2018 is ending, is for this post to be a remembrance for the kids we never got to know.  I also hope this will give you a very personal glimpse into the life of an adoptive family.  Maybe this will be a chance for you to learn about a different perspective and life perhaps from your “normal.” routines.

Around this time last year, Luke and I were in the living room of my family’s home in Florida.  We were looking at a profile of a little girl from an Asian country, named Chloe, who was blind.  We felt immediate concern for her but held back.  Jon had just come home three months earlier and we also weren’t sure we were financially settled enough to start another adoption.  So we delayed, but finally, in February, we contacted the agency that had her profile and started the process.  There was an immensely long unexpected wait for the authorities in her country to decide if they would consider our family, due to my blindness.  When they finally did, in April, we were ready.  We were ready to go through the country’s more stringent and frankly vexing requirements for Chloe’s sake.  The very next day, after we had just heard the positive news of our acceptance and readying ourselves, we were told Chloe would be given to another family.  We had been well warned of this possibility, but it still hurt.  The immediate thoughts of “what if we hadn’t delayed, back in December” pursued us relentlessly.  I still think of her and hope she is safe with her new family, wherever that may be.

Then, after taking some time to regroup, we went back to the agency through which we had adopted Lexy.  We were given the profile of the twins, Zoe and Madeline.  Now, the loss of Chloe, as hard as it was, at least made some sense to us now.  Surely, these were the girls we were supposed to adopt.  We were very familiar and comfortable with the country’s process, having gone through it two times before.  We were very certain that they could not be given to a different family, as we had adopted from the same country twice with no such experience.  Surely now, this would go smoothly.  Well in September of this year, a few days after our friends from church had just helped us organize a large garage sale specifically to raise money for our girls, the most unexpected news hit us out of the blue; the twins were not to be ours either.

Just a few weeks ago, we asked for more information about a little girl named Maggie.  However, after reading through her medical information, we learned that she suffers from seizures.  This was one of the few things, that we stated in our paperwork, we couldn’t take on.  As I am the primary caregiver and am totally blind, we just couldn’t do that for safety reasons.  The other issue we cannot make work is deafness, as communication with the majority of my family would be exceedingly difficult for a deaf child.  I wish I could explain in appropriate words how hard it was to make that phone call, saying that we couldn’t move forward with Maggie’s profile.  I know there was no moral guilt in that decision.  I know from a purely logical standpoint, we made the right choice, for her safety and for our entire family’s well-being.  But I still feel that I abandoned that girl; I found myself wishing that I wasn’t blind.  The agency already experienced great difficulty in finding a family for her (due to her many medical problems) and I hated that we were now just another number on that list.  Pray for Maggie.

So now, as this year draws to a close, we are not at all where I thought we’d be in this process.  I thought by this time we would have gone to meet our child for our first trip.  We don’t even have a child yet that we are fighting for.  We are just waiting.  We are waiting to finally be matched with a child.  All our paperwork is submitted and approved; there is nothing we can do to speed up the process.  So we wait.  While we wait, we think about these four girls that we lost for various reasons.  It grieves me that there is even one name on such a list, but for there to be four.  I just never saw that coming.  I had always known how blessed we were, in regard to how smoothly Jon and Lexy’s adoptions went.  Now, I truly am aware of how gracious and beyond kind God was to us.

But God is good all the time, and all the time God is good.  I know that these four girls are not lost to him; he has not forgotten them.  He has a purpose in all of these difficulties that our family has faced, and He also has a purpose for each of those girls lives.  God is sovereign over all things, and none of this slipped through his fingers.  I hold to that, whenever I start to think of those girls, and I wonder if there was something else we could or should have done.  I hold to that as I wonder what the new year will bring for us.

 Music is another passion of mine so I’m ending this post with two songs.  The first of these is in the above video.  This is a beautiful song, written by Rich Mullins, (but recorded by his friends after his sudden and unexpected death) that has really resonated with me as this year has progressed.  It is a song of raw emotion but also trust and hope.  I hope it will make you think and also bring you comfort, as it has done for me.

 The second song is one I first heard at church.  It reminds me of who is in control and why we are doing all of this to begin with.  It is one that I am planning to start playing every New Year’s Eve as a reminder.  Perhaps it can be that for you.

Christmas Time Reflections of an Adoptive Mother

I can’t believe it’s already Christmas eve, time sure goes by so fast! It’s also so hard to believe that I have been a mom for a little over 3 years now. In some ways, the time has flown by and in others, well not so much. I think how far my son and daughter have come in such a short time and I am so proud of them and thankful to God for His care of them. This time of year lends itself well to reflection and adoption sure gives one much to reflect upon.

This is our first Christmas, in quite a while, where we are not traveling. This has caused me to experience mixed emotions. On the one hand, I miss my parents, siblings and in-laws and want to see them, particularly around such a special time.  However, even stronger than my own feelings, I want my kids to experience Christmas around all the extended family. But on the other side, I am excited to discover what Christmas for just our little, immediate family looks like.

I think Christmas, and all its associated traditions of family, food, decorations and gifts is probably one of everyone’s fondest memories of childhood.  It is also, if we don't take a moment to pause, time which we can so easily take for granted. As I think back on my childhood and associated Christmas memories with my family (certain music, making the same desserts every year, smelling that breakfast casserole in the morning), I find myself thinking of my kids, especially my son. For the first eight years of his life, it is extremely likely that he never enjoyed any of those things that we can just assume is part of every child's experience around this time of year. He doesn’t have any of those special memories. He never had that anticipation; it was probably pretty similar to all his other orphanage days, with perhaps a couple pieces of candy thrown in.

But far more important than the fun aspects, I want them to know the true meaning of Christmas.  When I was growing up, we had the nativity scenes (which my mom and I had this continuous game of rearranging); we would talk about the meaning of it.  We would read the christmas narrative from the gospel of Luke before starting the morning festivities.  There was also our church's annual Christmas eve service.  I doubt either of my kids were told anything about who Jesus is or the reason why Christmas is so important.  I'm hoping to change that, too.

this is a new experience for both my kids.  I have been trying to find ways to give them those unique reminders that this time of year is different from all the other months.  It can be a bit tricky as, they are both blind, so they can’t just by default see the Christmas tree every time they run into the living room. I’ve had to find other ways, through sound and touch, to remind them that Christmas time is unique and special. We play Christmas music a lot, we’ve been making special Christmas candies (chocolate butterscotch peanut clusters, white chocolate covered peanut butter crackers, etc.), talking about Christmas dinner, decorating and of course the gifts under the tree. But even those gifts, which to most kids are the highlight, have taken some time to excite them. Just a couple days ago, Lexy came and asked me, for the first time, if she could “go look at the presents.” This simple act of feeling the packages and shaking them and trying to guess what they are, that seems so central to every kid’s Christmas experience, literally just occurred to my five year old daughter. Jon has not yet expressed any such interest. I am very hopeful that by next year, that will change for him.

Emotions are such a crazy thing. I find myself wanting to give my kids all they’ve missed due to their orphanage years. I want to somehow undo any negative things they may have faced during that time when they weren’t ours. I want to make up for all the missed opportunities, learning and experiences, but I know that isn’t fully possible. I also wish we had been able to adopt sooner and had somehow found these two when they were younger. Again, I know that isn’t rational or for that matter, healthy.  I also frequently think of Zoe and Madeline and wonder if they are home with their family by now. I hope so. Finally, I wonder who will be coming to join our crazy family; I wish we could send them a Christmas present. But in all this, there is one thing onto which I hold; I know that God is sovereign and His timing is perfect. So the best I can do is give my kids all that I can and pray that it will be enough. So, if you have kids or grand-kids or nieces or nephews, and you see them reveling in all the joy of Christmas, enjoy it with them for all it’s worth! And in the quiet moments, think of all the kids, here in this country and overseas, who won’t be enjoying this time. Consider if you could change that for one or multiple of those kids by this time next year. What a Christmas gift that would be!

Three Years Home: Lexy's Story

Today is a very special day for my family and my daughter in particular. Lexy has been talking about and waiting for this day for quite a while. She got to pick an activity; she chose to go to Jump Around Utah, a large bounce house. We assumed this would be her pick, as it combines climbing and jumping, two of her favorite things. She also got to choose a special dinner. In case you’re curious, she requested popcorn chicken, rice and baked beans. So why the royal treatment for this little girl today? Well, it’s because she has been home for 3 whole years now!

Many of you reading this may already know my children well. For those who don't, permit me a moment to tell you about my daughter. Alexandra (Lexy) Lee Wayne is 5 years old. She is brave, strong willed, smart and loves to climb everything possible. She is also a typical girl who loves shoes, clothes and to have her hair braided. She thoroughly enjoys her gymnastics class. She has shown a knack for learning piano, but at least for now, lacks any discipline to actually practice. When she is so inclined, she is an avid learner, particularly excelling in geography and grammar. Seriously, she can tell you what tense a verb is in, can diagram sentences (adverbs, adjectives, nouns and verbs) and can tell you the four sentence types. Of course, this all has to be her idea but when she cares to show off her learning, it is impressive. She bronzes beautifully in the sun, unlike her parents. She remembers everything we say and will remind us of that at highly annoying times. She can be surprisingly and extremely helpful to me in the kitchen or in everyday tasks of the home. She loves to spin and can do this for way longer than you think is healthy or even possible without getting dizzy.

This is a brief portrait of my crazy, wonderful and at times exhausting child. However, now I want to take a moment to tell you who she was when we first met her. I am telling you this for two reasons. First, so that you can truly get to know who this little girl is and how far she has come. The second, and I feel more urgent reason, is to further emphasize the need for families to adopt. I hope that this will show you the difference a family can make in a child's life and why the plight of orphans cannot continue to be ignored. These kids really matter. They don’t just matter enough for platitudes or likes on social media. They matter enough for concrete action on our part.

The following video was taken from our hotel in September 2015, when we first visited Lexy.

Lexy spent the first 17 months or so of her life in an orphanage, of which we know nothing about. We also know nothing regarding her birth parents, except that her mother may have use alcohol and that she left her at the hospital soon after she was born. When Lexy was around 18 or 19 months old, her orphanage closed down. She was placed in a foster home with two foster parents and a foster brother. We are so thankful for this, as being in a more family-like environment made a huge difference for her and made her transition to our home easier. We are so appreciative of Lexy's foster mother; she seemed to genuinely care for her. The family did not have much (we briefly saw their home and the room where Lexy slept), but her foster mother would take her to the park regularly and was kind to her. Her little foster brother loved her and would always give her huge hugs. If he had not already been adopted by Lexy's foster family, we would have tried to adopt him as well, to keep them together. When Lexy first came home, she would call out in Bulgarian (as we found out from some good friends who skyped with us) for “mother” and “brother”, asking to play. That was hard on all of us.

When Lexy came home , she was two and a half years old. She was not walking on her own (even though her legs were strong and sound), was not eating solid food (even though she had a full mouth of teeth), was not using the toilet and was not speaking at the level typical for her age. I am not saying these things to disparage her foster family, please understand that. Blind children are viewed there as much more disabled than is the reality; it is possible that her foster family believed she would not be able to walk on her own. As to the food, they did not have much, it was more affordable to keep her on cheap items, such as soup. It is understandable but still sad and not how it should be. When she came home she barely weighed 22 pounds. She now weighs 34 pounds and is very proud of that fact. And she eats like a horse and relishes almost any food.

Why am I telling you this? It is not because I am wanting to show what a great family we are and how far we have taken this poor girl. On the contrary, she teaches me so much everyday. I am telling all of this, in hopes of showing what a stable, loving, structured family and home life can do for a child. It is not easy by any means and some days are better than others. Children need family and structure and I hope this comparison of my daughter’s former and latter life proves that. Consider if you, as a foster parent or through adoption, could provide this change of life for a child. It can be a painful sacrifice on your part, as it is for me on many days, but it is so worth it!

A Letter to My Lost Twin Girls

***Author’s note***

First, I just need to say I honestly feel pretentious using the term author, but I felt like “writer’s note” was an odd phrase.  Be that as it may, I wanted to explain what this letter has come to mean.  When I started writing it, I didn’t realize the impact this seemingly simple thing was going to have on me.  I wanted to try and communicate to people (family members and friends of those adopting and those in the trenches of the adoption process) about the loss in adoption when things don’t go as planned.  I think this is an area of grief that so many are unaware of or ill-prepared for.  We certainly were.  I also had hoped that it could be a comfort to anyone who has lost a child, regardless of the circumstances.

In my social work career (before I became a full-time mom), I had at times suggested this approach of writing a letter to someone, even if it could never be sent.  I never had a reason to do it myself.  Well, as it turns out, it is quite effective and reveals a lot of things.

It didn’t take me long, as I started writing and the words tumbled out, for me to realize this was more than an exercise or an educational tool. I was and still am drastically grieving the abrupt and unexpected separation from my twin girls.  I have to admit, this surprised me.  I, of course, knew I was still sad over what had happened, but I didn’t realize how deeply embedded it still was. I had continued to think that there would be healing once we were matched again.  Our family could finally just move forward with our adoption journey.

As the weeks have gone on, though, the wait has become more and more frustrating.  Writing this piece has shown me, as I need constant reminder, of God’s wisdom and sovereignty once again.  I’ve come to see that perhaps the purpose of this continued waiting is, at least in part, to give me time to rightly and properly grieve.  I have been granted the time to not hurriedly disregard their memories, while also not projecting emotions onto the new child or children.  Both of these realities are so important.  I do hope, if you decide to read the actual letter, that it will be of benefit to you or someone you know.  However, if you don’t feel that it would do either of those things, please feel no obligation to read it.  There is no reason to read something that could make you sad, just for sadness sake.  There’s already enough sadness in this world.

***End Author’s note***

Dear Zoe and Madeline,

There is so much I want to say to both of you, yet somehow it is still so hard to find the right words. I guess I’ll start at the very beginning, when we were told we could adopt you.  When I learned that you two were identical twins, I smiled. You see, I am blind, just like you Madeline.  I had always had this idea in the back of my mind that I would one day have identical twins and that they would mess with me as they grew up, making me guess who was who and just generally making my life crazy but silly.  It was so funny to me that this was actually going to happen.

We were excited and anxious to get you both home as fast as we could.  We were happy to start another adoption journey, and we couldn’t wait to meet you.  You see, it takes a long time to adopt, and there is so much to do, but none of that mattered.  All we knew, what kept us moving forward, was that we didn’t want you to be in that orphanage anymore.

Madeline, we wanted to help you learn to walk and speak and to show you that blindness doesn’t have to hold you back.  Zoe, you were going to be our first sighted child, and we were excited about that and maybe a little nervous too.  We couldn’t wait to see you discover the world, getting to literally see the amazing things around you, not to mention all the mischief you would get in to because of your sight.

You two deserved so much better than the orphanage life.  We couldn’t stand by and do nothing.  We wanted to be your family, regardless of any difficulties.  We wanted our son and daughter to know you as their sisters.  We wanted you to have the chance to experience so many things that we take for granted about childhood, like having a favorite toy, going to the playground, Thanksgiving, decorating the Christmas tree or experiencing grandma’s cooking for the first time.  We had so many plans and hopes for you.  We told so many friends and family about you.  Your sister was excited about sharing her room with you both and had already planned who would sleep where.  We had no idea what to expect but we knew we’d love you and we’d all figure out a new normal together.

But now, the government in your country has suddenly taken all that from us.  They say we’re not to be your family after all.  It feels like something has been ripped out of us.  We never met you in person but that doesn’t matter!  We saw pictures and videos and read about you and that was enough.  You were already our daughters; we were committed to you.  It’s so strange and feels so wrong that someone literally around the world, who has never met us, can just say no, that they don’t think we’re right for you and just uproot you from our lives.  It hurts.  We miss you and think about you so much.

Your daddy and I find ourselves thinking about things like how you would have gotten along with your sister and what adventures you would have had together.  I wonder how you would have tormented your brother.  Would you have learned an instrument or been an artist or played sports?  What foods would you have relished?  Who would you have grown up to be?  We’ll never get to know, and I just never saw that coming.

I think the hardest part is wondering who your new family is.  Who did the people in charge choose and why them over us?  Will you have siblings?  Where will you live?  What will your days look like?  Will you be safe?  I can’t know any of this. Even so, I am so happy that you will get out of the orphanage.  I’m so happy that you will have a family. I just wish it could have been us.

We are still planning to adopt, but we want you to know that we will never forget you.  We will always think of you, miss you and pray for you in your new lives.  You will always be our girls.  If our adoption journeys have taught us anything, it’s that you shouldn’t be afraid to give. Don’t be afraid to sacrifice for others, to truly give your best for them.  Please work hard, learn as much as you can and grow into beautiful, intelligent, kind and strong women.  Your mommy, daddy, brother, and sister love you both so much and are always praying for you and your new family. May they treasure you and teach you well.

A Fun Bit of News

So as you probably have gathered from some of my more lengthy posts, I enjoy writing. :)  I still have a long way to go in developing this skill, but it has always been a way that I could express myself more effectively.  I had wanted to start this blog for a while now and thanks to the encouragement of family and so many friends, I finally did and I'm glad to have taken that step.  Over the last month or so, I'd been thinking about the idea of submitting writing to parenting blog sites, to see if anything would get published.  This felt like a huge step and I went back and forth as to if I would actually do it.

I am well aware that our family situation is quite unique, but even with that, I still wondered if it was worth my time and effort to try and get something published.  After all, there are so many family stories out there but with the encouragement of my awesome husband, I finally decided to give it a try.  I actually found it fun, researching the many sites out there. They all have different styles and writing submission guidelines; it was interesting learning some about that world.  So, with much uncertainty, a couple days before thanksgiving I sent in an article to the site called Scary Mommy. If you're a parent, you should check it out.  It's style is very sarcastic and blunt and they tackle so many facets of parenting.  Well, to my surprise and delight, I heard back about a week later, saying that they had accepted my article!  It was published on the 1st and if you'd like to read it, you can find it  Here.

I'll admit, until I actually saw it on their site, I had my doubts as to if this was actually going to happen.  It is still so crazy to see my name there.  I am hopeful that perhaps I can have other pieces published at Scary Mommy and elsewhere.  I am working on a few things; it will be fun to see what comes of it.  Thank you to everyone who reads and shares my blog, I really do appreciate it so much!  There are so many amazing people who put their thoughts and stories out there; it means so much that you take the time to read mine. :)

Part Two: Things to Consider if pursuing an International Adoption

This is the second part of the post titled “Things to Consider if Pursuing an International Adoption.”  If you missed the first part, you can read it HERE. I'd like to share three more factors to be aware of when considering an international adoption; I hope they will be helpful to you.

1. Expect to be given little medical information about the child.

I am speaking here of simple medical information that we take for granted.  I can't count the number of times when taking Lexy or Jon to the doctor, how often we would be asked things like what medications they are allergic to, what their overall medical history is or their family medical history.  When we say that we do not know, due to their adoption circumstances, my favorite response is “well, didn't you ask those questions?”  We answer this by calmly explaining that yes, of course we asked, but we are given little information in general and there is questionable accuracy as to the few details we were given.

However, if you will allow me a moment of sarcasm, what I want to say is something like...  “Oh of course, how could we be so forgetful?  The mother who left our daughter at the hospital soon after she was born, invited us over for dinner before we left the country.  She gave us a detailed background on her medical history and that of extended family.  And as for our son, when they left him at the orphanage nine years ago, they wrote up a detailed report before they left.”  Thank you for indulging my sarcasm.  As you have gathered, these are the type of questions that you unfortunately rarely have the answers to.  Often the profiles you receive are vague regarding medical history and birth families, and what is written there may not even be accurate.  This conversation usually happens to us every time we take our kids to urgent care or to a specialist; we are met with perplexed looks or sometimes condescending glares.  Sadly, a lot of medical issues you have to find out on your own, once your child is home.  It can be a bit overwhelming at first, but finding a good primary care physician (which I am happy to say we finally have) can make a huge difference.

2. Jet lag is a force to be reckoned with but don't let it stop you from experiencing the country.

Seriously, jet lag is an insane entity all its own.  We had no idea what we were dealing with.  When we traveled to meet Lexy, for example, we were allowed to see her each morning through the early afternoon.  We would be dropped off at our hotel around 3 pm. And for the next 5 hours, everything we would do was designed to keep us awake.  All we wanted to do was sleep, but if we went to bed that early, it would be even more terrible.

So we walked around the town, stopped at shops and ate way too much incredible food.  I'm sorry America, but we just don't know how to make chocolate here.  My mouth is watering just thinking about that country's chocolate, not to mention cheese.  We thought though that as the week went on we would grow accustomed to the 9 hour time difference, no such luck.  As we flew back to the states at the end of the week, we had a long layover in Philadelphia. After killing time fruitlessly trying to find an authentic Philly cheese steak place in the airport; we just went and found a quiet corner to take a nap.  I used my purse as a pillow.  While under normal circumstances this might seem like a reasonable idea, these were hardly normal.  I was so unspeakably tired that I forgot the bag in question contained a large cheese that some friends had given us before we left the country.  I vaguely remember wondering as I dozed off why the bag was so soft and comfortable...  Needless to say, the cheese was rather misshapen when I awoke.  I had really been looking forward to eating it, not to mention sharing it with all my friends.  But as tired as we were, I am so glad we still made ourselves get out and see where we were.  I would encourage everyone to do the same and if you are traveling to a country in Europe, buy as much chocolate in local shops (not the airport) as you can carry.

3. According to the files and orphanage staff, every child is just perfect

Allow me to clarify here.  There seems to be a pattern, whether you are reading an adoption profile on a website or in the country speaking with the orphanage staff, that every child in question eats fine, sleeps perfectly throughout the night, never gets upset and is just a wonderful specimen of a human being.  We found this to be true with both Jon and Lexy's caretakers.  I imagine the main reason for this is the fear that if truthful, negative information is given, the couple will change their minds.  It makes me so sad every time. I wish they would believe us that we have no intention of backing out.  However, it really would be so helpful to know the true character or issues that our child might have. It could only help us be better parents.  Sadly, just like with the medical information mentioned above, you get the fun of discovering all your child's behaviors and issues firsthand.  But I suppose that is pretty typical of parenting; you don't get a detailed manual about the child before they are born either.

I hope that these lessons from our adoptions have been useful to you.  If you or someone you know is considering this, we would be more than happy to help however we can.

What Not to Say to Adoptive Families

When Luke and I first decided to start the adoption process back in 2014, we figured we would be asked a lot of questions. I am happy to say that most of them have been well thought out, and respectful. However, those are not the subject of this post. I thought I would take this opportunity to tell you about the two most awkward questions that were asked and one poor remark that was made. Luke was the one who had to field most of these; I feel bad for him, but am frankly glad that I wasn’t the one put in such an uncomfortable spot. I hope you all enjoy a glimpse of the “what the heck, did that just happen?” moments of our world. We seem to have a lot of those.

1. “So, which one of you can't have kids?”

No, I'm not kidding, I wish I was. This inconsiderate question was asked by a co-worker shortly after we had just started the process to adopt Lexy. Now, there are two glaring problems with this question. The first is the assumption that we are only adopting because we can't have “our own” kids. It is the idea that adoption is the second best or used car option of the child world. As I have said in previous posts, there are so many reasons to adopt, and none of them have to do with being unable to have kids biologically.

The second obvious error in asking such a question is that such a topic is none of your business. Infertility can be such a hard and painful issue and chances are, if one is struggling with this, he or she is likely to not want to discuss it so casually, especially with a passing acquaintance like a co-worker. But again, this question still makes a wrong underlying assumption. It assumes that the reason for adoption is about me or that it is done or not done, to make me happy. Adoption is not about me; it is about the orphan.

2. “Yeah, because having kids is just so hard on the body, right?”

Now, this may be true, but again, it assumes that I am adopting for what I can get out of it or because it will make my life easier somehow. This conjecture isn't even accurate as often, from a purely selfish standpoint, adopting makes one's life harder. Once again, this question assumes the motive for adopting to be focused on my happiness with no thought given to the plight of so many orphans. This aside, it is just an awkward question that I still, after all these years, cannot fathom that somebody actually asked it as if it were the most normal and natural topic of conversation.

3. “Oh, she looks so much like you (Ashley), I thought she was your own.”

Now to be as fair to the person who said this, I know what they probably meant.  They most likely meant it in the "you didn't give birth to her sense"  Be that as it may, that was a poor choice of words.

that poor remark was said in Lexy’s hearing, I might add. Thankfully, she was engaged in the play area at the restaurant and was very preoccupied going down the slides. She was also much younger and was not as acutely listening to everything we say, like she does now.  Of course she is ours, as if adopting her made her illegitimate or only partially ours, like getting a book on loan from a library. I think of the three, this was the most frustrating to me because I was present and Lexy was in earshot.

Sometimes the audacity of people surprises me. I do not mind, in the least, considerate questions relating to adoption. It is a topic I love to talk about and I wish there were more conversations about it in general.I just wish people would be more considerate and thoughtful before words just come out of their mouth. :)

Cooking While Blind?

I thought I would use this post to answer a question I am often asked and that is, how do you cook without sight?  Since cooking is one of the main jobs of a mom, aside from perhaps laundry, I think this is a sensible question.  And since a lot of aspects of cooking certainly utilize sight, I can understand why this question is asked so much.  It can be difficult to write down how I do something that, after all these years, just seems so normal, but I will do my best.

I think this will be a much more amusing post if I give some backstory.  I never cooked growing up.  I mean, not even a little.  In high school, I went to a summer training program to learn how to do things using alternative techniques as a blind person.  Most of the staff were blind and it was encouraging to see them perform these tasks.  I did some basic cooking there but when I attempted to make a box mix cornbread, I somehow set the oven on fire.

In case anyone is worried, I've come a long way since then and I am feeding my family quite safely and well.  So when I graduated high school, I went back to the adult version of that training program.  I like to call it blindness boot-camp.  By the end of it, I had to cook a meal for 40 people. I made chili, salad, and cornbread. There were no fires, everyone seemed to enjoy it, and to my knowledge, no one got sick. :)

When I first started college, I took steps back in my culinary endeavors, making heavy use of the cafeteria and microwave.  Once I moved out of the dorms into the on-campus apartments, I did actually start cooking.  But I mainly utilized the crockpot and rotated the same 3 or 4 recipes continuously.  Sadly, this somewhat lazy method persisted for quite a bit into my marriage.  Luke would often do most of the cooking; he didn't complain and neither did I, he's a good cook.

A few years ago, when we first arrived in Utah, an acquaintance taught me how to make bread.  Like, real bread from scratch.  And I was actually successful at it!  This spurred me on to want to try new things, and I have begun to enjoy learning new recipes, some of which are more complicated than I ever would have attempted before.  My favorite so far is gumbo. :)

So now that you know about my cooking journey, how do I do it practically?  Well, for starters, I follow recipes, they are just on the computer.  There are screenreading programs which will read everything out loud; it's easy to go through my recipes folder and pick out something for dinner.

As far as knowing where ingredients and utensils are, that's fairly easy, at least in my own kitchen.  I have a system, which I'll readily admit could be more organized, but it works for me.  Many ingredients, like flour or sugar or salt, for example, have a different texture and it's easy to know which is which.  Obviously for things that are in boxes or cans, I either ask Luke for help identifying or if I'm feeling particularly ambitious, will put braille labels on things.  There is also an app for my phone, which can scan the barcodes of items, although I'm cheap and haven't thought it necessary to spend the money on it yet, but that is another way of solving the identification problem.

Now, to the actual cooking.  I make more use of my hands than most people would.  Don't worry, they are always thoroughly washed.  It's not that I don't use utensils for mixing and such, it's just that, for me, I find I have a much better idea about what is happening with the food if I use my fingers.  I can tell how well things are mixed or if the consistency of a batter is correct.  Another method that I use is smell, particularly with meat or vegetables.  When said items are done they have a certain aroma.  The spatula and wooden spoon are basically like my kitchen canes; I can deduce a lot from the texture or thickness of the food.  Sound is another key element of knowing if something needs more cook time.  I had to learn a lot of this by repetition, but after many years of practice, I think I am in a good culinary place.  It will be exciting to teach my kids how to cook. Hopefully no appliances will be set on fire, but who knows.

Lastly, I have been asked if, due to my blindness, I cut myself or burn myself more than normal.  Well, since I don't know statistics on kitchen injuries, it's hard to say if my share of them are above average or not.  I have cut myself occasionally, although the worst cut I ever had was not from a knife, but from the lid of a can lol so go figure.  I've also occasionally burned myself from the hot pan on the stove or when getting/removing food from the oven.  However, everyone has those slight kitchen injuries, and I don't think they are specifically related to blindness.  I am careful and use potholders and oven mitts, but sometimes, even with all the precautions, accidents still happen.  Life goes on and we all continue to cook.

I'll end with a story.  Back in college, I burned myself decently when taking something out of the oven.  I treated it with over the counter stuff I had but after a few days, decided to go to the on-campus clinic, just to make sure it was healing properly, as it had blistered more than I expected.  Based on the nurse's tone of voice, when I told her how I had gotten the burn, you'd think I'd stuck my hands inside a volcano or that I had a third-degree burn or something.  She also said that I probably shouldn't be around such appliances anymore, to which I should have said, “Deal, if you'll pay for all my meals from now on, I'll never cook again.”  Life and people can be rather amusing.

Challenges My Kids Often Face When Playing With Others

This is one of those emotional posts to write.  As a mother, I try to balance my maternal desire to protect my kids from all discomfort with the realization that life is not always easy and they need to learn how to deal with life not being fair.  That said, I feel this is something I can speak to without crossing that line of coddling my children, or at least, I certainly hope you would all agree.  I want to talk about how sighted kids interact, or to the point, often don't interact with my blind kids.

Let me try and explain.  My kids are not as fast as sighted kids.  Now, from a selfish standpoint, sometimes that is nice for me.  They can't run away from me, and they often avoid much mischief only because they just don't know something is available to destroy.  But this also makes it more complicated for them to play with sighted kids who can freely and quickly run throughout the house or playground.  My kids can't just take off with them, at least, not without help.  I often see that my kids are excluded from much of the play that occurs, not due to any conscious ill-intent by the other kids, but perhaps just due to not being aware of this fact and its consequences.  As a result, they often end up just playing with each other and not getting to interact with others.

Now let me be clear about what I am not saying here.  I am by no means saying that sighted kids should cease all physical play when my kids arrive.  I am not saying that they should only be playing in ways that are the easiest for my kids.  I am not saying that the world revolves around them.  Despite my best efforts, they already think it does enough as it is. :)  But what I am saying is a few things that I hope will give you an idea of where I am coming from on this matter.

I am asking you, parents of sighted kids, to try and teach your children about differences.  Try and explain (in my kids' case) that blindness makes it harder, not impossible, to run or be as active without help.  Tell them that my kids still love to play just as much as they do.  Offer them suggestions about how to bring my kids into their physical/active games.  Especially in Lexy's case, my girl loves to run and climb.  Talk to your kids about something as simple as walking up to her and saying “Hi Lexy, it's so-and-so, we're playing tag, want to run with me?”  or “Hi Lexy, we're playing hide and seek, want to help me look for everybody?”  I am very sure she would heartily agree!

In Jon's case, as he is less mobile, “Hi Jon, we're playing hide and seek, want to help me count?”  Or “Hey Jon, we're going to play music and dance, want to come?”  Even if he didn't dance, he would still enjoy the music and would probably clap or otherwise keep good rhythm.  Let's go beyond games.  Try and teach your kids to just come over and strike up a conversation.  Jon loves to talk and wants to be social; he just needs encouragement from others.  I am trying to teach social skills; I often give them ideas of things to talk about with other kids, depending on the context of where we are going.  This can't work if no one will talk with them.

Please explain to your kids about eye contact and that, due to blindness, my kids can't look them in the eyes, but that doesn't mean they don't want to talk with them.  Often, I'll hear my kids saying something presumably to a child whose voice they've recognized, (or introducing themselves to a child they don't know) but since they can only look in their general direction, the person they were addressing has left before the full sentence was out.  As a side note, this still happens to me, I'll be in conversation with someone and they have to quickly step away and I don't realize it.  I take no offense to it, but it can be awkward at times.  If someone is able to tell me that they will be right back, it is always appreciated.

Please explain that they could, once in a while, consider other activities that my kids could more readily participate in, such as blocks or Legos or coloring (yes, my kids love to color, isn't that cool?)  I have known many awesome families who have done this, and it is the most wonderful thing to see. And my kids love it and remember it. :)  Thank you to those who have, you don't know the joy it brings to me as a mother to see my kids playing like that.

I am thankful that in elementary school, I rarely remember feeling rejected by my peers.  That changed entering middle and high school.  Now, to be fair, some of that was due to the general self-imposed ridiculousness and drama of teenage years, but I do think that some of it was due to my blindness.  I don't want my kids to always have that hovering over them. I want them to be confident children and adults and to learn how to interact and do well in a sighted world. But they can't do this alone and I can't teach them alone.  I need your help.  It's not my place to come and try and interject myself into your kid's life in that authoritative, teaching way.  Come alongside me and teach your kids beforehand, just as I try and teach mine about interacting and social skills, so that our teaching efforts will work together.  If you homeschool, incorporate this kind of thing into your weekly routine.  Let's get together, as much as is possible, so our kids can all learn and interact together.  This will not just be doing a service for my kids but will be of value to yours as well.

Absurd Questions About blindness

In most cases, it is a good thing for people to ask questions.  I have no problem with friends, family, acquaintances, or even total strangers for that matter wanting to know about blindness issues.  I think this is more than fair especially as blindness is not something most people know a lot about and I wouldn't expect them to.  However, that said, it is prudent for one to think about what they are asking before said person just starts saying things.  So I thought I would use this post as an opportunity to tell all of you about the three most ridiculous questions I have encountered regarding blindness.  The first two are ones that were asked to me and the third is one that was put to some friends of mine.  I hope you all enjoy and for all my blind friends and readers out there, this is by no means meant to be an exhaustive list.  I'm sure you have plenty of your own and I would enjoy being amused along with you if you feel like sharing any of them. Also, just a note of warning, this will be a fairly sarcastic post, it just comes with the topic.

How do you use a phone?

Now, this was a rather popular question as I was growing up.  I could perhaps give the questioner a bit more slack today, as touchscreens have pretty much become the standard.  It would be a fair assumption that one who is not around blind persons often would not be aware of all the access technology that is out there.  As a side note, I will be doing a post about such things in the future, so stick around for that.

However, all that said, I was asked this 15/20 years ago.  This was in a time period before the mass production of flat, touchscreen cell phones (writing this sentence is just reminding me how old I am).  The phones that one was inquiring of me how I use, had this amazing feature called buttons! And these tactile objects were usually quite pronounced at that.  And to make it even more obvious, often the number five button had a dot or other marking on it, thus making it even easier to navigate said device.  I mean basically, as long as I could count in a straight row, I would easily find the numbers I needed to dial.  It really couldn't be much easier.

How do you eat?

No, I'm not kidding.  I wish I was, but alas no such luck.  I mean, it's been years and I consider myself a much more articulate person than I was then, but even now I am still struggling with how to answer this thought-out question without laughing hysterically.  I mean, perhaps all of my sighted readers can help me out here. You can't see your own face, right? Do you need to make use of a mirror when you eat?  Are you afraid you will miss your own mouth? When you're at the movie theater and eating from a bag of popcorn, do you take your eyes off the screen and stare down at the food every time you take a bite? Do you pull out a flashlight to see each kernel clearly if the theater is too dark? How do I eat?  Um, I just do.

Back when we lived in Kansas City, there was this exhibit that was at Union Station for quite a while.  It was called “dining in the dark.”  The premise was that you had to be in total darkness and attempt to do everyday tasks, such as cutting food, using utensils and, of course, eating.  Luke and I often talked about us going and I would leave my cane in the car.  It would have been so amusing to do these tasks as I normally would while watching everyone else (except Luke, he has become accustomed to accomplishing tasks without light) spill food all over themselves and make other such messes.  I regret that I never amused myself in this way.  Luke could have taken video too! It would have been memorable, to say the least.

Do blind people have sex?

Again, oh how I wish I were joking.  And you thought the eating question was absurd.  Now, remember, I said that this last question was put to friends of mine.  Well, just to further drive home the point of how utterly absurd this question was, those asked were a husband and wife.  They were introduced to the people as such.  And, oh it gets even better, the wife was pregnant.  I mean, don't most people (sighted or not) often do said activity in the dark anyway?  After all, it is a fairly, shall we say, hands-on activity.  But to give credit where it's due to the couple, they gave some awesome answer like “No, we reproduce in pods.”

So I sincerely hope this post will not discourage you from asking intelligent and thought-out questions about blindness.  I do hope, however, that it will instill the need for common sense when formulating the questions you would like to ask.  Again, to my blind friends and readers, please feel free to email me with questions you have been asked, perhaps I could do a follow up to this post.

Our Adoption Stories Through Song

Music has always been a big part of our family.  I wish by that statement I meant that we all played instruments or sang beautiful four-part harmony together, but sadly neither is the case.  Although I think Jon has the potential to be the musical genius of the family.  But what I actually mean is that we all love listening to good music.  It is a part of our family culture and songs are tied to certain events in our lives.  This had been the case when Luke and I were dating and then in our early marriage, but when kids came into the picture, the influence of music and the meaning songs held for us only increased.  I thought I would share with all of you 4 songs that have specific ties to our adoption stories and continue to have a deep impact on myself and/or the whole family.  These songs are very personal to me, as you'll see if you decide to read on; I hope though that perhaps you may find the words to these songs comforting to you as well.  If these songs don't specifically affect you, find some that do. Music is one of the many beautiful gifts that God has graciously given us to enjoy.

Iona is a Christian Celtic-esque band that I have enjoyed since early college.  However, one of their songs took on a whole new meaning for me when we went to visit Lexy for the first time in September 2015.  We had spent a crazy, terrifying yet wonderful week with her, getting to know her and trying to comprehend what on earth parenting would mean for us.  Luke and I were dreading that last day when we would have to say goodbye to her for an undetermined amount of time.  You see, our case had to go through the courts of her home country and we also had to get Lexy's visa and other immigration documents together on the U.S. side.

We spent that last day at a park and then had a nice lunch nearby.  The social worker let us go back to the swings with Lexy for a few more minutes after we had finished up lunch.  I remember pushing her on the swing, fighting back tears, and suddenly that song came to mind.  I started singing it to her, even though she did not know English yet and had no clue what the words meant.  But somehow those words could not have been more poignant and meaningful to me at that moment.  It was so hard to leave her, wondering if she would even remember us and having no idea when she would get to come home, but we knew that God would take care of her.  He absolutely did and we were able to bring her home much faster than we expected! She was home eight days before Christmas.

Anyone who knows our family well won't be surprised by more than one Rich Mullins song making this list.  As we began the adoption process for Jon, we were so unsure about his condition.  We didn't know how mobile he would ever be or what other challenges we would face in raising him.  I had known about this song for a while, as I listen to Rich Mullins music quite a lot.  His music was always played around the house growing up and listening to it always makes me think of my home and parents in FL, among many other things.  It didn't take long for this song to come to mind, even well before Jon was home. We already knew that Jon was completely blind and had a mild form of CP that affects his legs and restricts his mobility. The image of God's mercy not only taking him by the hand and "leading" him but also being the "strength in his legs" could have been written specifically for Jon. The words are just so perfect for what we felt as we prepared for him to join our family.  As he continues to grow and learn, the lyrics are just as relevant.  They embody so perfectly what we hope for him, the person we pray we will grow to be.

This song carries for me both joy and sadness, hope and regret.  When we thought we were going to be adopting our twins, this song held so much meaning.  Now that they will be with another family, it still means a lot to us, but on an even deeper level.  When we had finally decided on their names, we immediately thought of this song for the girl we had called Madeline.  And it's not just because the title has her name in it.  The song is about a little girl who was sick from a premature birth and not supposed to live. From what little we knew about our Madeline's history, this was so similar to her.  We think of the song often and, in a way, it helps us grieve but also makes us smile.  I can only wonder, if we had gotten to know Zoe, what song we would have found for her.  I am very sure we would have, as it seems songs find our kids.  I just wish we could have had the opportunity.  We miss them both.

I've heard this song since college.  It depicts everyday common things in life but is also written very beautifully.  I think, as we wait with excitement to see what child or children will be joining our family and yet still grieve over those we have lost, the words of this song ring true.  I know that whatever changes are coming our way and whatever emotions and thoughts they bring, God is constant throughout it all.  I hope, as my kids grow up, they will come to love music as I do (although I am hoping they will have the discipline to learn and develop a talent, unlike their mother) and that I can teach them through beautiful music and poignant lyrics about God and His wondrous creation.

Things that Drive this Mom Crazy

I have been blind since birth, and up until recently, this fact really hasn't bothered me or been much of a concern. I have to say, that is changing now that children are in the picture. I am finding instances in parenting where vision would be pretty darn helpful and convenient, not to mention just simply more efficient. So for hopefully an amusing read, I thought I would share my five most vexing issues of parenthood without sight. I hope you all enjoy, here they are in no particular order:

1: Finding my children's toys

Now, I completely realize that this is a huge pain for any mom, but it is extra annoying to try and accomplish this task (which occurs at least 100 times each day) without sight. I mean seriously, my daughter (my son is a bit more responsible in this area and generally remembers where he has put things, for which I am so grateful) will often ask me to find some obscure, tiny trinket that has suddenly become the only thing in the house worth playing with. And, of course, the last place she remembers playing with it was "in the living room." Well, we have a fairly big living room, and it is so ridiculous and time consuming to try and walk the whole length and width of our living room, hoping with every short, shuffling step that my feet haven't missed that one tiny section of carpet where the blue snowflake bead is sitting. Assuming, of course, that she was correct and it is actually in the living room and not upstairs, on the porch, or at grandma's house in Florida. And the worst part is, I know if (by a kind act of God) I do find it, she'll play with it for maybe another minute before deciding to run off and go lose something else.

2: Identifying the color of my daughter's clothing

Now to clarify this point, I am not referring to matching her clothing. It's actually fairly easy to remember what goes with what. I mean knowing exactly what color everything is for when she inevitably asks. For those who know my family well, the fact that my daughter cares about the color of her clothing at all may seem strange, as my daughter is completely blind, with no perception of color whatsoever. But oh that doesn't stop her from being obsessed about what color each article of her clothing is (and she has like 5000 articles of clothing), and she will ask me incessantly to identify what colors she is wearing. I have so much going on in my head as it is and I can barely remember my own wardrobe, there is no way I am keeping track of hers as well. I know what outfits of hers pair together based on textures, but keeping an inventory of their color shades isn't happening. I have to give her credit, though, she has learned to just go ask daddy. And in case anyone is curious, she has a favorite color that has remained consistent for some time now. It is yellow. And no, I have no earthly idea why. To further prove her color obsession, here's a fun little side story for all of you. Our kids have these two toy phones that are exactly identical in every way except one is pink and one is green. Lexy will repeatedly ask to play with Jon's, to which we reply that they are THE SAME PHONE! Lexy will insist that, no, they're NOT the same because “his is green!” But you don't even know what that really means!!! You can't see colors!!! That fact doesn't affect your experience of the phone in the slightest! So yeah, I find myself having to know what color every random thing is for the sake of a kid who can't see color but still wants to know what color everything is but has a mom who also can't see color. It's not fun.

3: Finding Socks

Again, I know this is a universal problem for which mankind has not yet found a solution (except perhaps moving to Florida and never wearing socks again), but I seriously think the sock population has figured out that 3 out of 4 in our household can't see. They are even more masterful at escaping or literally just disappearing out of existence. (And on a side note, I am chuckling to myself as I write this, imagining the secret conspiratorial meetings of our socks. This is what motherhood is doing to me.) I mean, I will take the laundry pile to the washer and account for all the socks and then when I take them out of the drier, one out of each pair is often just gone. It is incredibly vexing and I think if I had vision I would at least be able to recover SOME of the escapees and have a bit more sanity in my life.

4: Matching my kids' socks.

All right, anyone noticing a theme here? Apparently, I have sock issues. But be that as it may, there really is no easy and practical way without vision to match their socks effectively. I get (at least in theory) the desire for kids to get to wear colored socks that match their outfit perfectly... But is it really necessary? I mean, black or white socks would go well with just about anything, and I could find a way to label which was which or buy different textured ones. When more varied colors are added, it just becomes crazy. I usually just ask my husband (as the one sighted member of the family, he gets to do all the driving and color matching) or I have resorted to having a child I am babysitting who is sighted help me match socks. (Hey, it gave her a task and helped me out.) Maybe that's an idea, as long as relatives buy colored socks for my kids, I can see if parents want a 15 or 20-minute break and they can send over their sighted kids with appropriate color knowledge and help me match socks... Maybe?

5: Cleaning up poop

So I know I had said these weren't in any particular order, but I think this might be my biggest issue. Although I consider myself a decent writer, I don't even have the words to adequately describe how much I hate doing that task. I mean, it should be fairly obvious, but it's so hard to know if I've gotten it all or not. There are, of course, ways to be sure of that without sight, and I do utilize them, but it's just plain gross. I either have to smell or use my fingers... enough said, I think. It's an awful task anyway and factoring in the no vision clause is just adding insult to injury.

I have to say, though, in spite of my complaining, being a parent has really stretched and grown me. I have realized that I can do a heck of a lot more things blind than I would have thought; before our daughter came home, I was utterly terrified at the idea of caring for a child in any capacity. After her arrival, then babysitting others' children, and now also having our son, those tasks which petrified me seem commonplace. But I suppose that's one of the gracious aspects about parenting that God gives us is the chance to grow, to sacrifice for others and go way beyond what is comfortable and convenient. It is a crazy, exasperating undertaking, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Things to Consider If Pursuing an International Adoption

There are so many things to consider when beginning the international adoption journey. I think even making the decision itself to start researching can be an effort and already feel like quite a feat. Since we are on our third international adoption, I thought I would share three points that I hope will be helpful to anyone considering this amazing and terrifying undertaking. There will be more of these types of posts to come, but I was very sure all of you would not want to read all 10 or so of my considerations all at once.

1- Seek out any friends (or even friends of friends) who would be willing to talk with you about their experiences.

When Luke and I finally after months of paperwork, worrying over funding and feeling like the call would never come, were at last given our travel dates to go meet Lexy. We were ecstatic and also frightened out of our minds. We had absolutely no idea even remotely what to expect. We felt like we had just made it out of a huge pit, only to be now thrown into another, even deeper one. By God's providence, we were connected with a family (friend of a friend type situation) who had recently adopted their first son from the same country. Nicole and Jeremy are now some of our dearest friends and they are in the process of adopting their fourth child.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. So, we were put in touch with this family we had never met who had previously adopted from the same nation where Luke and I would soon be traveling. I hesitantly called Nicole, honestly not sure how awkward or short this conversation was going to be. Nicole was nothing but gracious and forthcoming, and we soon were having dinner with them. She is an amazing cook, so the food was great, but what was more important was the conversation. It helped more than I can even express to be able to talk with someone who had been to the country and could give us a basic idea of what to expect. Perhaps even more important than the practical, logistical points was that they were willing to share how they felt and thought as they met and then later brought their son home. It helped us later, as we struggled with similar fears and feelings. It made the pit seem much less deep. There are also many forums and email lists out there dealing with international adoption. While interpersonal connections I think are overall better, sometimes it just isn't possible. The internet is an amazing tool, so make good use of it. Don't be afraid to ask all your questions, even the ones you think are silly or embarrassing. Learn all you can from others.

2- Take the time to research country requirements.

I do not say this as a hard and fast rule, but I think it may save you heartache or unexpected frustration in the long run. The requirements of countries can vary significantly, and there are many factors to take into account. Here are just a few:

1. income/assets required
2. length of time in the country
3. allowed ages of adoptive parents
4. number of trips required
5. whether the adoption is finalized in the country or has to be finished in the US courts
6. the types of medical evaluations needed
7. length of marriage of adoptive parents

Another difference that up until recently we were not aware of, is that some countries release their child profiles to multiple adoption agencies at once. This means that, if you were in the process of working to adopt a specific child from one of these countries with agency X, another family, using agency Y, may be farther along in the process without you or your agency even knowing it. The family that is ahead in the process may then be given full access to that child's file which would halt your effort for your desired child. An important question you might want to ask when looking into adopting from a country is “at what point in the process will the child’s file be held exclusively for my family?” In some countries that is much later in the process than in others. Now, please hear me, I am not saying to avoid these countries altogether and therefore those children. I am simply saying to be aware of this possibility in advance so that you are not blindsided if it happens.

Another important item to be aware of is which countries are under the Hague convention. Basically, countries under the Hague convention have signed agreements setting standards in international adoptions. This essentially means that the chances of corruption or unfair dealings are reduced. Also, it is important to keep in mind that some adoption grants will only allow one to apply if the adoption is being done through a Hague country. Again, those children in nonHague countries deserve permanent and loving families and should not be avoided just because of where they happen to reside. However, it is worth knowing this information up front, again so that you will not be shocked if things do become more difficult.

3- Seek out agency recommendations from those who have adopted.

The agency you will end up working with will be a huge part of your life for many months. It is a good idea to hear feedback from others on what they liked or didn't like about the specific agency they went through. Of course, your agency choice may be limited by what country you are adopting from, but it is still a good idea to hear what others have to say in this matter. For our part, we especially recommend Children’s Hope International; we can, of course, only speak for one of their country programs, but we have consistently found their staff to be professional, helpful, and thorough. They can often and easily be reached by phone, which is helpful for unexpected questions and just overall peace of mind, especially if it is your first adoption.

I hope, if you are considering international adoption, I hope you found this helpful. If you know anyone who is interested in the process, please feel free to pass this along. As I said above, this is only the first installment, so keep an eye out for the others on this topic in the weeks ahead!

A Rather Unusual Experience

I have been blind since birth, due to being born three months early.  I have had a lot of interesting experiences as a blind person, although I'm pretty sure most of them are shared with others who are blind.  All blind people have been asked ridiculous questions, helped when we didn't want it, or had people speak to us rather loudly, apparently conflating blindness and deafness.  But, none of those are what this post is about.

I wanted to use this post to tell all of you about an event that happened to me that I am very confident is not shared among all blind people.  This event does, however, have to do with my blindness. It would not have happened had I not been blind. I once had a faith-healer stalker.  No, I'm not kidding.  If you're curious, read on.

So I used to work at a homeless shelter back when Luke and I lived in Kansas City.  It was a shelter for families and single women.  I was a case manager, which meant I had a certain number of families or single women on my caseload.  When they would arrive at the shelter, I would meet with them and assess their situation.  We worked on getting needed resources and making a plan to move them towards no longer being homeless.  Needless to say, I saw many different people and dealt with all kinds of situations.  I did not expect to become a faith healer's newfound purpose in life, though. That one was quite a new thing for me (and for my boss as well.)

I had a client come in who had been to our shelter many times before.  She was known for being loud and abrupt and at times difficult to work with.  She was also extremely vulgar in her language and often participated in inappropriate joking.  She was only staying for two weeks, as a return client, so we went over the required items and she left my office.  I really don't remember seeing her around much during her two-week stay.

When I reminded this lady, towards the end of her stay, that her deadline to leave the shelter was approaching, she gave me the usual runaround.  After going through the reasons why she could not stay longer and reminding her of her options for other shelters, she left my office grumbling.  This wasn't anything new and I didn't think anything was unusual.  Apparently, as I found out later, she had quite the conversation with the shelter administrator.

I found out the next day, from my boss, that this woman had come to talk with him about her stay.  I assumed at first that she was simply appealing to my boss to overrule me and grant an extension. People understandably do that quite often. But no, this went a different direction. She told him that she could not leave because God had told her that it was her mission to heal me of my blindness. Once she was allowed to fulfill this purpose, she would leave without hesitation. She was completely serious and quite emphatic.  She insisted that, as she was part of a faith-healing charismatic church, it was her responsibility to cure me.

I wish I could have been there just to see my boss's reaction. He was a very composed man, so I am sure he held it together quite well.  He told her that she would have to leave that day, as it was her deadline, but if she wanted to come back the next day and speak with me privately, she was welcome to do that.  I had to give her my permission first.  I am glad that I was given warning of what this meeting was going to be about.  I don't know that I would have been able to keep my composure if that had been otherwise.

So, she came to my office and told me that she wanted to heal me.  Now, I will admit, there was a part of me that was tempted to let her try, just to make a point.  But instead, I explained that while I believe God could heal, I also believe that there is a purpose in my blindness.  I believe that He uses all things to conform me to the image of Christ and the fact that I am blind is not a negative thing.

She was not satisfied with this, however.  So I had to explain my second reason why I was unwilling.  Frankly, I didn't think that she was the person God would use to accomplish this.  Naturally, she was offended.  I explained that, in the time I had known her, she had not acted in the least like one who knew Christ.  Her life did not at all reflect the faith she professed.  And I also had to point out that it was interesting that she never brought up this quest until her deadline to leave the shelter was approaching.  I told her that, while I appreciated her desire, I was not comfortable with her trying such a thing.

All things considered, she took it well and sullenly left my office and the facility.  I assumed that was the end of it and we all had a laugh over the whole thing.  I would chuckle to myself as I pictured her jumping out of corners to faith heal me.  Well, it apparently wasn't so much of a joke.

A few days later, I was having dinner with some other employees when we got a call from security.  The same lady was there, backed up by a group of other women, and they all had bibles.  They were asking to see me, insisting that I come out to the security booth. Somehow my jokes of being ambushed now didn't seem quite so amusing.  Needless to say, I declined.  I still found the whole thing amusing, but a bit more disconcerting.

Not long after that, when I arrived at work, I was told about a crazy situation.  We often let people stay in the common room of the shelter overnight when all the family rooms are filled.  Well, apparently, my faith healer had attempted to do just that.  She had a fake ID and had tried to get back into the building under a different name! She was not trying to get a room, just a one-night stay in overflow...you know, so she could be in the common area waiting when a certain staff person got there in the morning.

It has been years since this incident and even now as I write it, I am laughing to myself.  The whole thing was just so bizarre and crazy.  It sounds like something that would be in a Lifetime movie or something.

In case anyone is wondering, I didn't decide to write this post because I had some amazing point in mind, or any broader point at all, really.  I honestly just thought it would be an unusual and amusing story from my life that was worth sharing.  I am happy to say that I have not had a repeat of this type of experience.  I think one crazy stalker is enough for a lifetime.

Adoption and the Gospel

It may be that some are wondering, especially after my last post, why are we still considering adoption?  Why are we enduring more potential heartache, stress, and financial burdens?  I hope in this post to give a solid answer to these questions.

However, this post will not make as much sense to you if you are not a Christian.  Even if that is the case, I would still ask and encourage you to read on and if you have any questions about what I say here, please get in contact with me or speak to another Christian you trust.  There is nothing more important!  Now, if you are a Christian, I hope you will take what I have to say to heart and consider how it can affect your life and witness for Christ.

There are many reasons for our decision to adopt, but I wanted to use this post to discuss the most important and relevant one to us as Christians.  We chose to adopt, in effect, because it is a literal picture of our faith, of what we believe, of the gospel itself.  You see, for a Christian, the gospel, or good news, is the central point of our faith. Everything hangs on this.  Adoption is a way for us to outwardly and vividly demonstrate this central point.  Allow me to outline why this is the case.

For anyone reading this who is not a Christian, I feel the only fair and obvious place for me to start is to define the gospel.  If you are a Christian, well, you can never be reminded of this beautiful truth enough.

There is one eternal God who created the world.  He is perfectly good.  He is also holy, which means He cannot tolerate wrong.  When He created the world, everything was perfect, including the first people.  Read Genesis chapters 1-3 and you will see how that fell apart by what Christians call “sin,” or doing what God had told us not to do.  Once the first people sinned, their nature was forever altered and so was the nature of every person to follow. Like a mutation in our DNA, the brokenness of sin was passed on to all their descendants, to all mankind. Its “in our genes,” so to speak.  Now, because of sin, all people are capable of every kind of evil.  Sin also had other consequences such as sickness, decay, and death.

I now possess that same marred nature.  It is a nature (attitude, perception, state of being) that goes against God, that is an enemy of Him, that hates Him.  My nature is this way because God is good and I, with my wrong nature, am not.  I cannot help but sin, or rebel against God and His law (and as the creator of all things, He has every right to have laws and say how His creation should run and work and be).  I am literally a slave to my sin, to my wrong nature.  I cannot fight against it, no matter how hard I try to “be good.”  I break the law of God on a daily, even hourly, basis.  Now, as I justly deserve punishment for breaking a law of my city or state, that truth is magnified thousands of times in regard to breaking the law of the Creator of the universe.  His determined punishment is separation from Him forever in a place called hell.

If you are not a Christian and you are still reading, thank you.  You may be wondering how this can be called good news. Well, if it stopped there, it most definitely would not be.  But you cannot realize something is good until you have first dealt with the bad.  God has made a way to deal with my wrong nature and with the guilt of all the wrong I have done while acting on that nature. It is in an incredible way that I would never have imagined on my own.  You see, He literally has given me a new nature!

He did this by sending His Son Jesus, who was fully God and yet also became fully man. He stood in my place and took upon Himself my sin and the sin of anyone who believes in Him.  Jesus was perfect in inward thought and outward behavior; His nature was aligned perfectly with God's.  God sent Jesus to take on himself the punishment for sin that is rightfully mine and yours.  When Jesus was killed 2000 years ago by crucifixion, it was not random or by chance.  This was God's purpose, (2 Corinthians 5:21).

Again, if my explanation ended here, this would still not be good news.  Jesus would be dead and our situation would not be any better.  Our nature would not change and death would still await all.  But Jesus came back to life after three days (as Christians celebrate every Easter).  Jesus overcame sin and its consequence, death, and those who believe in Him and what He did, can inherit Jesus's nature.  We (those who believe) also inherit His resurrection life; He will return, making all things right in this world, including ending sin and death.

So, I have been given a new heart, a new inner nature.  I am now, thanks only to Jesus, in a state of being that can love God and desire to follow Him.  I wasn't given this gift based on my own merits or worthiness or efforts.  God, seeing me while I was still a sinner, chose to love me (while I was not loving or seeking Him), but He chose to bring me into His kingdom and family. He chose to adopt me.  Adoption is an exact analogy used by the authors of the Bible to explain our new state as God's children through the gospel. (Ephesians 1:5-6 and Romans 8:15)

This point brings up an important question: are we all God’s children?  Many people assume that we are, since He created us.  But does that make us His children? When the Wright Brothers created the first airplane, we might figuratively, in a limited sense, call them the “fathers” of the airplane, but would we say that they gave birth to a son? Of course not! Making something is not the same thing as having a child. God made us, and that definitely makes us His creation, but what gives us the right to say that we are a child of a holy and perfect God? That is a pretty bold thing to just assume.

Does the Bible tell us that everyone is automatically God’s child?  The truth is, it does not. Here we need to be a little humble and realize that we do not have any special right to a relationship with God, or to any of the blessings that He can and does give us. We are not born God’s children automatically. John 1:11-13 tells us:

 

“He came to that which was His own, but His own did not receive Him.  Yet to all who did receive Him, to those who believed in His name, He gave the right to become children of God- children not born of natural descent, nor of human decision nor of a husband’s will, but born of God.”

Pay attention to what the verse says. He (that is Jesus), came to His own, which means that He came to us, to humanity, to the ones He had created.  But we didn’t know Him. Most people rejected Him. They refused to accept the Son of God the way He came. They wanted something different. But to those who did recognize Him, and who believed in Him and what He had done, He gave them the right to become God’s children.  If a child of God is something we become, then it seems clear that it is not something we already are. Even if we were good and pure, God does not owe us this right. We can be good, obedient, and loyal creations without ever becoming sons. But we are not even that! We are broken, sinful, and rebellious! Yet God has chosen, in His marvelous love, to make those who will repent and believe in Jesus Christ into something more than we could have dreamed! Without Christ, we can never be God’s child. Our hearts are so turned away from God and our very will is so set against Him, that we cannot even be good creations! But if we have come to truly realize and admit our need for a savior and if we are willing to surrender ourselves and our lives to Christ, then through what Christ has done for us, we can become a child of God!

When Luke and I decide to adopt, we don't go looking for a child that is “lovable.” We don't seek to try and find the most beautiful child or the most talented or the most well behaved.  We choose to love a child, whatever their background and personality; it is an act of the will, a choice, not driven or led by emotion or lack thereof, and not rooted in something more especially deserving in this child than in so many others whom we have not adopted.  This is such a picture of what God has done for us in Christ.  We are the orphan, who have no idea that there is something far better than what we already have or that there is another entirely different way to live.  For that matter, we don't even realize what we are lacking by not being in God's family.  We would be content to go on living in our sin, with all its consequences.  We are not just indifferent toward God, we are enemies.  God chose to love me, even when I was in this state of warfare with Him.

Let's look at this from another angle.  When a child is adopted, the child can’t go looking for the family on his own. He isn’t able to buy the family’s acceptance. He has no great gift or skill to offer them.  The family desiring to adopt comes and finds him wherever he is.  That family seeks him out and offers him stability, belonging, support and love; he becomes a true part of that family. On his own he was an orphan, but through the decision of a family that was not his own, he has now become a son. His status has been raised significantly. He did not earn it. He could not demand it. The family did not have to do it! They could have adopted someone else, or no one at all! Yet, they choose to love a child that is not their own, and to invite him or her into their family, and to allow him to become their own child. In this way, the orphan who had no one and belonged nowhere now has a family, a home, someone to support him, and a place that he belongs.

This is what happens to us if we repent of our sin and believe in Jesus Christ. We are no longer a slave to our sinful self, but we become a legitimate child of God through Christ. Though we were criminals against God’s law with cold and disobedient hearts from birth that refused to love and obey God, and though we lived and acted every day as slaves to sin and disobedience and were owned by our selfish desires and evil actions, God chose to love us anyway, and to adopt as His own sons and daughters those who believe in Jesus Christ and accept that He is their master. Jesus takes away our guilt under God’s law, and God gives us the heart of an obedient Son, the very Spirit of Jesus Christ within us! Having bought us from our master, Sin, He does more than simply make us His own slaves. Instead, He chooses to adopt us as His children! We no longer have to live in fear, we are no longer slaves of a cruel master, but children of a loving God!  This is what the Bible is explaining in Galatians 4:4-7:

“But when the completion of the time came, God sent His Son, born of a woman, born under the law, to redeem those under the law, so that we might receive adoption as sons. And because you are sons, God has sent the Spirit of His Son into our hearts, crying, ‘Abba, Father!’ So you are no longer a slave, but a son; and if a son, then an heir through God.”

Luke and I are trying, although very imperfectly, to be a model of the love of God in the lives of our children.  We want them to see the gospel lived out in our lives, in every way we can.  Adoption is a way for us to show them, and the people around us, a small picture of what the gospel looks like.  Just as I am so happy that Lexy and Jon have been adopted into our family, I desire even more for them to know the one who created them.  Our kids know that they have been adopted by us (as they grow older, they will come to understand more what this means), and I am hoping that, as they come to understand their earthly adoption, they will one day come to understand what heavenly, spiritual adoption means.  I pray this for everyone who reads this!