A Letter to My Lost Twin Girls

***Author’s note***

First, I just need to say I honestly feel pretentious using the term author, but I felt like “writer’s note” was an odd phrase.  Be that as it may, I wanted to explain what this letter has come to mean.  When I started writing it, I didn’t realize the impact this seemingly simple thing was going to have on me.  I wanted to try and communicate to people (family members and friends of those adopting and those in the trenches of the adoption process) about the loss in adoption when things don’t go as planned.  I think this is an area of grief that so many are unaware of or ill-prepared for.  We certainly were.  I also had hoped that it could be a comfort to anyone who has lost a child, regardless of the circumstances.

In my social work career (before I became a full-time mom), I had at times suggested this approach of writing a letter to someone, even if it could never be sent.  I never had a reason to do it myself.  Well, as it turns out, it is quite effective and reveals a lot of things.

It didn’t take me long, as I started writing and the words tumbled out, for me to realize this was more than an exercise or an educational tool. I was and still am drastically grieving the abrupt and unexpected separation from my twin girls.  I have to admit, this surprised me.  I, of course, knew I was still sad over what had happened, but I didn’t realize how deeply embedded it still was. I had continued to think that there would be healing once we were matched again.  Our family could finally just move forward with our adoption journey.

As the weeks have gone on, though, the wait has become more and more frustrating.  Writing this piece has shown me, as I need constant reminder, of God’s wisdom and sovereignty once again.  I’ve come to see that perhaps the purpose of this continued waiting is, at least in part, to give me time to rightly and properly grieve.  I have been granted the time to not hurriedly disregard their memories, while also not projecting emotions onto the new child or children.  Both of these realities are so important.  I do hope, if you decide to read the actual letter, that it will be of benefit to you or someone you know.  However, if you don’t feel that it would do either of those things, please feel no obligation to read it.  There is no reason to read something that could make you sad, just for sadness sake.  There’s already enough sadness in this world.

***End Author’s note***

Dear Zoe and Madeline,

There is so much I want to say to both of you, yet somehow it is still so hard to find the right words. I guess I’ll start at the very beginning, when we were told we could adopt you.  When I learned that you two were identical twins, I smiled. You see, I am blind, just like you Madeline.  I had always had this idea in the back of my mind that I would one day have identical twins and that they would mess with me as they grew up, making me guess who was who and just generally making my life crazy but silly.  It was so funny to me that this was actually going to happen.

We were excited and anxious to get you both home as fast as we could.  We were happy to start another adoption journey, and we couldn’t wait to meet you.  You see, it takes a long time to adopt, and there is so much to do, but none of that mattered.  All we knew, what kept us moving forward, was that we didn’t want you to be in that orphanage anymore.

Madeline, we wanted to help you learn to walk and speak and to show you that blindness doesn’t have to hold you back.  Zoe, you were going to be our first sighted child, and we were excited about that and maybe a little nervous too.  We couldn’t wait to see you discover the world, getting to literally see the amazing things around you, not to mention all the mischief you would get in to because of your sight.

You two deserved so much better than the orphanage life.  We couldn’t stand by and do nothing.  We wanted to be your family, regardless of any difficulties.  We wanted our son and daughter to know you as their sisters.  We wanted you to have the chance to experience so many things that we take for granted about childhood, like having a favorite toy, going to the playground, Thanksgiving, decorating the Christmas tree or experiencing grandma’s cooking for the first time.  We had so many plans and hopes for you.  We told so many friends and family about you.  Your sister was excited about sharing her room with you both and had already planned who would sleep where.  We had no idea what to expect but we knew we’d love you and we’d all figure out a new normal together.

But now, the government in your country has suddenly taken all that from us.  They say we’re not to be your family after all.  It feels like something has been ripped out of us.  We never met you in person but that doesn’t matter!  We saw pictures and videos and read about you and that was enough.  You were already our daughters; we were committed to you.  It’s so strange and feels so wrong that someone literally around the world, who has never met us, can just say no, that they don’t think we’re right for you and just uproot you from our lives.  It hurts.  We miss you and think about you so much.

Your daddy and I find ourselves thinking about things like how you would have gotten along with your sister and what adventures you would have had together.  I wonder how you would have tormented your brother.  Would you have learned an instrument or been an artist or played sports?  What foods would you have relished?  Who would you have grown up to be?  We’ll never get to know, and I just never saw that coming.

I think the hardest part is wondering who your new family is.  Who did the people in charge choose and why them over us?  Will you have siblings?  Where will you live?  What will your days look like?  Will you be safe?  I can’t know any of this. Even so, I am so happy that you will get out of the orphanage.  I’m so happy that you will have a family. I just wish it could have been us.

We are still planning to adopt, but we want you to know that we will never forget you.  We will always think of you, miss you and pray for you in your new lives.  You will always be our girls.  If our adoption journeys have taught us anything, it’s that you shouldn’t be afraid to give. Don’t be afraid to sacrifice for others, to truly give your best for them.  Please work hard, learn as much as you can and grow into beautiful, intelligent, kind and strong women.  Your mommy, daddy, brother, and sister love you both so much and are always praying for you and your new family. May they treasure you and teach you well.

Why International Adoption?

I thought I would use this post to answer a question that we are asked rather frequently.  This question is “why did we decide to adopt internationally, rather than from the United States?”  Now, I think this is a completely logical and reasonable question for one to ask and I have no objection to it.  In fact, we as a family do not mind questions related to adoption or blindness issues and are happy to answer them.  Now, before answering this particular question, I feel I need to make one clarifying point before I give my answer.  We chose one route of adoption but I in no way perceive one way as superior over another.  All children, whether in the US foster system, an orphanage in another country, or through a private adoption of an infant, deserve to be in a loving and stable home.  The method pursued to adopt does not make a difference; there is not a best way to adopt and then second best options.  I am always overjoyed to meet others who are pursuing adoption, in whatever form that takes.

But, returning to our question, when we first started to seriously consider adoption, we had not honestly even thought of the idea of adopting internationally.  It wasn't on our radar; we were looking into domestic adoptions through either the foster care system or private agencies that work with mothers who desire to have their babies adopted.  We assumed international adoption was too expensive and just not really an option for us.  This perspective changed when we had dinner with some good friends of ours.  They pointed out that we might want to consider overseas adoptions, as special needs children often are not adopted in foreign countries by native citizens.  They then went on to point out that there were probably a lot of blind children who might not otherwise be adopted and that, given my blindness, we would be in a positive and unique position to benefit them.

I have to admit, this caught us off guard, but in a very positive way.  It seemed like such an obvious point, but somehow it had never occurred to us before.  We discovered that our friends were correct.  As we began the adoption process for our daughter, we were told by our caseworker that blind children are significantly less likely to be adopted and this only increases as they get older. (this is also true of deaf children).  This was again echoed by a caseworker from another agency as we began the process of adopting our son.   Our worker, in a frank conversation, told us that there were three factors stacked against him for adoption, he was a boy, was 8, and he had multiple disabilities, one of them being blindness.

We also had this trend confirmed through some friends of ours who are from the same eastern European country as our children, but live in the United States.  They told us that it was almost unthinkable that a native, resident citizen of said country would adopt a blind child.  They also have told us that we have no idea the hardship and deprivation our children would have faced if they had remained orphans in that country.  Our friends indicated that this would only grow worse as the kids grew older.  We saw a small glimpse of this harsh reality when we went to visit our son; he was the only actual child in his orphanage.  The others were not, in fact, children but adults in their twenties.  We did not realize this until we were told, as due to malnutrition and other negative environmental factors, they were small and looked like children.  This broke our hearts and gave us a glimpse of what would have awaited him if he had remained there.

As we have come to understand and realize all this, we continue to pursue overseas adoptions, specifically seeking special needs kids.  Now, please do not misunderstand me, I am not saying that a child raised in the US foster care system has it well or easy.  That is certainly not the case! I worked in that system and I can still tell you all the names of the kids I worked with and all they had to deal with, much of which would make even many adults crumble.  However, a blind child born or placed in the US foster system will still have access to all the incredible adaptive technology, will be taught Braille, and will receive orientation and mobility instruction, all through the schools and state agencies for the blind.  They will be literate, able to use computers and other technologies and will be able to navigate the world either with a cane or guide dog.  They will be at a much better advantage than their counterparts overseas.  Furthermore, as many in the US are aware of all the advances in technology, the prevalence of Braille and travel methods, it is more likely that a blind child in the US would be adopted. 

If anyone is considering adoption through the foster system, don't overlook special needs children.  There are so many services and technologies available to them and to you to empower them to live the fullest life possible.  They need loving homes just as much as those overseas.  For our part, though, we desire to be a family for children outside the United States who have harsher odds stacked against them.  Our son, for example, was 8 when he came home.  When we asked the staff at his orphanage what he did in school, their answers were vague and not very helpful.  I grew up in the public school system and had taken it for granted that braille instruction and cane travel are automatically given.  This was not the case for our son nor is it for the majority of blind orphans overseas. We want to help however we can and right now for us, that means continuing to adopt internationally.

I hope this answered the question for those who have asked and has also given you a perspective on international adoptions that perhaps you had not held before.  My hope, though, is that you read this and come away with the realization of the importance and need for families to adopt in general.  There are so many hurting children, whether they be right here in our country or many miles away around the world.  There is plenty of need for all of us to meet, whatever form that takes.  If you have any questions regarding how international adoption works (as that is the avenue I am most familiar with) please contact me; I would be more than happy to help in any way I can.  This need is too great to ignore and these children deserve more than just our pity.  They deserve our action.