A Lesson About Motherhood From Bike Riding

It is so strange sometimes how a simple, everyday family activity will cause me to think about deeper issues of my motherhood experience.  Today, the kids spent a couple hours riding their bikes around the parking lot.  In case anyone is concerned, my husband Luke, who is sighted, directed them and watched out for vehicles.  As I watched them work on their speed and balance, I began to think and as I find I so often do, I am now turning those thoughts into writing.  I hope they may be of some value to you.

I felt a bit of sadness in that I can't be the one to really, safely and effectively, oversee their bike riding attempts.  Vision is a very essential ability to possess in this endeavor, as there is a constant concern about cars or running into poles or parked vehicles.  I wondered if they were missing out because they can only ride their bikes when Luke is able to do this.  It felt unfair to them.
I then began to think about the summer, when our apartment complex pool opens up.  I realized that, as they are both still learning how to swim, I just don't feel safe taking both out to the pool by myself, at the same time. I am going to have to do a rotation, one day with Lexy and the other with Jon.  I felt like they would be missing out, not getting to play together in the water.  I wished I could give them that experience.  I wondered what other things they would not get to do, as fully or in the best ideal, because their mother can't see.

But then, I realized a couple things.  First, that every mother wonders this.  Every mother wonders if there is more she could or should be doing, if she should be doing everything completely different, if she is doing right by her kids, etc.  If it's not sight, then it's meals or screen time or sleep overs or... Well, you get the idea.  This train of thought isn't just only a blind mother thing.

Then, I finally started to really pay attention to what was happening after each child would finish their lap.  When Jon would come back from his, he would hang out with me, while Lexy went with Luke for her turn.  Jon would excitedly tell me what he had done on his turn, how fast he went and what silly games Luke played with him to encourage him to go even faster.  We would play a silly game we came up with, where he would drum on the handle bars and I would try to stop him by pushing his hands off.  He would laugh and ask to keep playing.
When it was Jon's turn, and Lexy was with me, she and I would talk about how excited she was to have a bike.  She would sit in my lap.  She would ring her bike bell and then tell me what "bike was saying."  She asked me if it was going to be sunny tomorrow and if we could have "swing time.", where I push her in the porch swing and we talk and/or pretend.

My lack of vision isn't stopping them and I from having fun experiences together. It may, by necessity, cause those activities to be one thing instead of another, but the experiences of mother and child are still happening.  We are still connecting and growing together.  We are still learning.  Attachment and trust are still being shaped.  This is true no matter what factor you may feel limits you as a mother.  This is such a freeing and beautiful thing to realize.  I am very glad I did and I hope you will also.

Adaptive Technology

I am often asked how do I use this or that piece of technology. So to simplify things, I figured I’d write some about the adaptive technology I use everyday. Now, I am out of the loop on the latest that is out there; when you have to pay for things yourself, it tends to make one less exuberant to always be on top of the trend. So I will talk about what I use and any of my friends feel free to include what they use that I may have overlooked or been unaware of.

Let’s start with the computer and smart phone, as I would say those are the most two common devices I am asked about. For both, the answer is very similar. There are apps that can be downloaded that will convert text on the computer or phone screen into spoken speech. I can then, using various keyboard or gesture commands, interact with what I’m hearing. So, with these awesome programs for which I am very thankful, I can read email, write documents, make spreadsheets, browse the internet or send text messages. As to phones, I sometimes make use of Google’s voice recognition for texting, but I find this usually more annoying than helpful. It often gets words incorrect and I find it is so much easier to just type out the text using my wireless keyboard.

Now let’s take printed material, like mail. Now my usual fix for this is just to ask Luke :) but there are apps that have been developed for phones, that can take a picture of the document, using the phone’s camera and then the picture can be recognized and the text read aloud. It really is quite incredible. I don’t utilize this myself, as honestly, what printed material I do have to work through can be done with Luke’s help just as quickly and easily. But for those who don’t have a sighted family member nearby, these apps are amazing things! As of yet, I’m not familiar with anything that can recognize handwritten text, which given the variety and styles of handwriting makes sense. The technology has come a long way in this area though; I remember using a stand-alone, large and bulky machine that scanned a page at a time and then would read it aloud, after a bit of processing time per page. Then, it was shaved down to the computer and its scanner and now it’s in the phone. That technology is becoming smaller and more accurate and it is exciting.

Now, let’s go to something a bit more mundane, household appliances. There are a few ways to do this. I have a braille labeler, which I can use to type out braille labels that can then be taped on the spot on the screen, buttons or dials etc. Or, I can use the lazier method, and put pieces of tape on the appropriate spot. This is how I have my oven, microwave and washer/drier labeled and it gets the job done. Not everything has to be high tech. :)

I suppose the last one to tackle is driving. I usually get rides from my husband :) or uber. There is also the bus system but that usually takes much longer to get anywhere that way. I am excited to see if self-driving cars will take off, no pun intended there :). While I’m a bit nervous about the concept, it would also mean so much freedom for me and so many others. It would be quite an experience, that’s for sure.

Well, I hope this has given you an interesting look into my world and how I get things done. I am so glad to have been born in the late 20^th century, when so many technological breakthroughs have been happening. That is something I never want to take for granted.

A Fun Bit of News

So as you probably have gathered from some of my more lengthy posts, I enjoy writing. :)  I still have a long way to go in developing this skill, but it has always been a way that I could express myself more effectively.  I had wanted to start this blog for a while now and thanks to the encouragement of family and so many friends, I finally did and I'm glad to have taken that step.  Over the last month or so, I'd been thinking about the idea of submitting writing to parenting blog sites, to see if anything would get published.  This felt like a huge step and I went back and forth as to if I would actually do it.

I am well aware that our family situation is quite unique, but even with that, I still wondered if it was worth my time and effort to try and get something published.  After all, there are so many family stories out there but with the encouragement of my awesome husband, I finally decided to give it a try.  I actually found it fun, researching the many sites out there. They all have different styles and writing submission guidelines; it was interesting learning some about that world.  So, with much uncertainty, a couple days before thanksgiving I sent in an article to the site called Scary Mommy. If you're a parent, you should check it out.  It's style is very sarcastic and blunt and they tackle so many facets of parenting.  Well, to my surprise and delight, I heard back about a week later, saying that they had accepted my article!  It was published on the 1st and if you'd like to read it, you can find it  Here.

I'll admit, until I actually saw it on their site, I had my doubts as to if this was actually going to happen.  It is still so crazy to see my name there.  I am hopeful that perhaps I can have other pieces published at Scary Mommy and elsewhere.  I am working on a few things; it will be fun to see what comes of it.  Thank you to everyone who reads and shares my blog, I really do appreciate it so much!  There are so many amazing people who put their thoughts and stories out there; it means so much that you take the time to read mine. :)

Cooking While Blind?

I thought I would use this post to answer a question I am often asked and that is, how do you cook without sight?  Since cooking is one of the main jobs of a mom, aside from perhaps laundry, I think this is a sensible question.  And since a lot of aspects of cooking certainly utilize sight, I can understand why this question is asked so much.  It can be difficult to write down how I do something that, after all these years, just seems so normal, but I will do my best.

I think this will be a much more amusing post if I give some backstory.  I never cooked growing up.  I mean, not even a little.  In high school, I went to a summer training program to learn how to do things using alternative techniques as a blind person.  Most of the staff were blind and it was encouraging to see them perform these tasks.  I did some basic cooking there but when I attempted to make a box mix cornbread, I somehow set the oven on fire.

In case anyone is worried, I've come a long way since then and I am feeding my family quite safely and well.  So when I graduated high school, I went back to the adult version of that training program.  I like to call it blindness boot-camp.  By the end of it, I had to cook a meal for 40 people. I made chili, salad, and cornbread. There were no fires, everyone seemed to enjoy it, and to my knowledge, no one got sick. :)

When I first started college, I took steps back in my culinary endeavors, making heavy use of the cafeteria and microwave.  Once I moved out of the dorms into the on-campus apartments, I did actually start cooking.  But I mainly utilized the crockpot and rotated the same 3 or 4 recipes continuously.  Sadly, this somewhat lazy method persisted for quite a bit into my marriage.  Luke would often do most of the cooking; he didn't complain and neither did I, he's a good cook.

A few years ago, when we first arrived in Utah, an acquaintance taught me how to make bread.  Like, real bread from scratch.  And I was actually successful at it!  This spurred me on to want to try new things, and I have begun to enjoy learning new recipes, some of which are more complicated than I ever would have attempted before.  My favorite so far is gumbo. :)

So now that you know about my cooking journey, how do I do it practically?  Well, for starters, I follow recipes, they are just on the computer.  There are screenreading programs which will read everything out loud; it's easy to go through my recipes folder and pick out something for dinner.

As far as knowing where ingredients and utensils are, that's fairly easy, at least in my own kitchen.  I have a system, which I'll readily admit could be more organized, but it works for me.  Many ingredients, like flour or sugar or salt, for example, have a different texture and it's easy to know which is which.  Obviously for things that are in boxes or cans, I either ask Luke for help identifying or if I'm feeling particularly ambitious, will put braille labels on things.  There is also an app for my phone, which can scan the barcodes of items, although I'm cheap and haven't thought it necessary to spend the money on it yet, but that is another way of solving the identification problem.

Now, to the actual cooking.  I make more use of my hands than most people would.  Don't worry, they are always thoroughly washed.  It's not that I don't use utensils for mixing and such, it's just that, for me, I find I have a much better idea about what is happening with the food if I use my fingers.  I can tell how well things are mixed or if the consistency of a batter is correct.  Another method that I use is smell, particularly with meat or vegetables.  When said items are done they have a certain aroma.  The spatula and wooden spoon are basically like my kitchen canes; I can deduce a lot from the texture or thickness of the food.  Sound is another key element of knowing if something needs more cook time.  I had to learn a lot of this by repetition, but after many years of practice, I think I am in a good culinary place.  It will be exciting to teach my kids how to cook. Hopefully no appliances will be set on fire, but who knows.

Lastly, I have been asked if, due to my blindness, I cut myself or burn myself more than normal.  Well, since I don't know statistics on kitchen injuries, it's hard to say if my share of them are above average or not.  I have cut myself occasionally, although the worst cut I ever had was not from a knife, but from the lid of a can lol so go figure.  I've also occasionally burned myself from the hot pan on the stove or when getting/removing food from the oven.  However, everyone has those slight kitchen injuries, and I don't think they are specifically related to blindness.  I am careful and use potholders and oven mitts, but sometimes, even with all the precautions, accidents still happen.  Life goes on and we all continue to cook.

I'll end with a story.  Back in college, I burned myself decently when taking something out of the oven.  I treated it with over the counter stuff I had but after a few days, decided to go to the on-campus clinic, just to make sure it was healing properly, as it had blistered more than I expected.  Based on the nurse's tone of voice, when I told her how I had gotten the burn, you'd think I'd stuck my hands inside a volcano or that I had a third-degree burn or something.  She also said that I probably shouldn't be around such appliances anymore, to which I should have said, “Deal, if you'll pay for all my meals from now on, I'll never cook again.”  Life and people can be rather amusing.

Challenges My Kids Often Face When Playing With Others

This is one of those emotional posts to write.  As a mother, I try to balance my maternal desire to protect my kids from all discomfort with the realization that life is not always easy and they need to learn how to deal with life not being fair.  That said, I feel this is something I can speak to without crossing that line of coddling my children, or at least, I certainly hope you would all agree.  I want to talk about how sighted kids interact, or to the point, often don't interact with my blind kids.

Let me try and explain.  My kids are not as fast as sighted kids.  Now, from a selfish standpoint, sometimes that is nice for me.  They can't run away from me, and they often avoid much mischief only because they just don't know something is available to destroy.  But this also makes it more complicated for them to play with sighted kids who can freely and quickly run throughout the house or playground.  My kids can't just take off with them, at least, not without help.  I often see that my kids are excluded from much of the play that occurs, not due to any conscious ill-intent by the other kids, but perhaps just due to not being aware of this fact and its consequences.  As a result, they often end up just playing with each other and not getting to interact with others.

Now let me be clear about what I am not saying here.  I am by no means saying that sighted kids should cease all physical play when my kids arrive.  I am not saying that they should only be playing in ways that are the easiest for my kids.  I am not saying that the world revolves around them.  Despite my best efforts, they already think it does enough as it is. :)  But what I am saying is a few things that I hope will give you an idea of where I am coming from on this matter.

I am asking you, parents of sighted kids, to try and teach your children about differences.  Try and explain (in my kids' case) that blindness makes it harder, not impossible, to run or be as active without help.  Tell them that my kids still love to play just as much as they do.  Offer them suggestions about how to bring my kids into their physical/active games.  Especially in Lexy's case, my girl loves to run and climb.  Talk to your kids about something as simple as walking up to her and saying “Hi Lexy, it's so-and-so, we're playing tag, want to run with me?”  or “Hi Lexy, we're playing hide and seek, want to help me look for everybody?”  I am very sure she would heartily agree!

In Jon's case, as he is less mobile, “Hi Jon, we're playing hide and seek, want to help me count?”  Or “Hey Jon, we're going to play music and dance, want to come?”  Even if he didn't dance, he would still enjoy the music and would probably clap or otherwise keep good rhythm.  Let's go beyond games.  Try and teach your kids to just come over and strike up a conversation.  Jon loves to talk and wants to be social; he just needs encouragement from others.  I am trying to teach social skills; I often give them ideas of things to talk about with other kids, depending on the context of where we are going.  This can't work if no one will talk with them.

Please explain to your kids about eye contact and that, due to blindness, my kids can't look them in the eyes, but that doesn't mean they don't want to talk with them.  Often, I'll hear my kids saying something presumably to a child whose voice they've recognized, (or introducing themselves to a child they don't know) but since they can only look in their general direction, the person they were addressing has left before the full sentence was out.  As a side note, this still happens to me, I'll be in conversation with someone and they have to quickly step away and I don't realize it.  I take no offense to it, but it can be awkward at times.  If someone is able to tell me that they will be right back, it is always appreciated.

Please explain that they could, once in a while, consider other activities that my kids could more readily participate in, such as blocks or Legos or coloring (yes, my kids love to color, isn't that cool?)  I have known many awesome families who have done this, and it is the most wonderful thing to see. And my kids love it and remember it. :)  Thank you to those who have, you don't know the joy it brings to me as a mother to see my kids playing like that.

I am thankful that in elementary school, I rarely remember feeling rejected by my peers.  That changed entering middle and high school.  Now, to be fair, some of that was due to the general self-imposed ridiculousness and drama of teenage years, but I do think that some of it was due to my blindness.  I don't want my kids to always have that hovering over them. I want them to be confident children and adults and to learn how to interact and do well in a sighted world. But they can't do this alone and I can't teach them alone.  I need your help.  It's not my place to come and try and interject myself into your kid's life in that authoritative, teaching way.  Come alongside me and teach your kids beforehand, just as I try and teach mine about interacting and social skills, so that our teaching efforts will work together.  If you homeschool, incorporate this kind of thing into your weekly routine.  Let's get together, as much as is possible, so our kids can all learn and interact together.  This will not just be doing a service for my kids but will be of value to yours as well.

Absurd Questions About blindness

In most cases, it is a good thing for people to ask questions.  I have no problem with friends, family, acquaintances, or even total strangers for that matter wanting to know about blindness issues.  I think this is more than fair especially as blindness is not something most people know a lot about and I wouldn't expect them to.  However, that said, it is prudent for one to think about what they are asking before said person just starts saying things.  So I thought I would use this post as an opportunity to tell all of you about the three most ridiculous questions I have encountered regarding blindness.  The first two are ones that were asked to me and the third is one that was put to some friends of mine.  I hope you all enjoy and for all my blind friends and readers out there, this is by no means meant to be an exhaustive list.  I'm sure you have plenty of your own and I would enjoy being amused along with you if you feel like sharing any of them. Also, just a note of warning, this will be a fairly sarcastic post, it just comes with the topic.

How do you use a phone?

Now, this was a rather popular question as I was growing up.  I could perhaps give the questioner a bit more slack today, as touchscreens have pretty much become the standard.  It would be a fair assumption that one who is not around blind persons often would not be aware of all the access technology that is out there.  As a side note, I will be doing a post about such things in the future, so stick around for that.

However, all that said, I was asked this 15/20 years ago.  This was in a time period before the mass production of flat, touchscreen cell phones (writing this sentence is just reminding me how old I am).  The phones that one was inquiring of me how I use, had this amazing feature called buttons! And these tactile objects were usually quite pronounced at that.  And to make it even more obvious, often the number five button had a dot or other marking on it, thus making it even easier to navigate said device.  I mean basically, as long as I could count in a straight row, I would easily find the numbers I needed to dial.  It really couldn't be much easier.

How do you eat?

No, I'm not kidding.  I wish I was, but alas no such luck.  I mean, it's been years and I consider myself a much more articulate person than I was then, but even now I am still struggling with how to answer this thought-out question without laughing hysterically.  I mean, perhaps all of my sighted readers can help me out here. You can't see your own face, right? Do you need to make use of a mirror when you eat?  Are you afraid you will miss your own mouth? When you're at the movie theater and eating from a bag of popcorn, do you take your eyes off the screen and stare down at the food every time you take a bite? Do you pull out a flashlight to see each kernel clearly if the theater is too dark? How do I eat?  Um, I just do.

Back when we lived in Kansas City, there was this exhibit that was at Union Station for quite a while.  It was called “dining in the dark.”  The premise was that you had to be in total darkness and attempt to do everyday tasks, such as cutting food, using utensils and, of course, eating.  Luke and I often talked about us going and I would leave my cane in the car.  It would have been so amusing to do these tasks as I normally would while watching everyone else (except Luke, he has become accustomed to accomplishing tasks without light) spill food all over themselves and make other such messes.  I regret that I never amused myself in this way.  Luke could have taken video too! It would have been memorable, to say the least.

Do blind people have sex?

Again, oh how I wish I were joking.  And you thought the eating question was absurd.  Now, remember, I said that this last question was put to friends of mine.  Well, just to further drive home the point of how utterly absurd this question was, those asked were a husband and wife.  They were introduced to the people as such.  And, oh it gets even better, the wife was pregnant.  I mean, don't most people (sighted or not) often do said activity in the dark anyway?  After all, it is a fairly, shall we say, hands-on activity.  But to give credit where it's due to the couple, they gave some awesome answer like “No, we reproduce in pods.”

So I sincerely hope this post will not discourage you from asking intelligent and thought-out questions about blindness.  I do hope, however, that it will instill the need for common sense when formulating the questions you would like to ask.  Again, to my blind friends and readers, please feel free to email me with questions you have been asked, perhaps I could do a follow up to this post.

Things that Drive this Mom Crazy

I have been blind since birth, and up until recently, this fact really hasn't bothered me or been much of a concern. I have to say, that is changing now that children are in the picture. I am finding instances in parenting where vision would be pretty darn helpful and convenient, not to mention just simply more efficient. So for hopefully an amusing read, I thought I would share my five most vexing issues of parenthood without sight. I hope you all enjoy, here they are in no particular order:

1: Finding my children's toys

Now, I completely realize that this is a huge pain for any mom, but it is extra annoying to try and accomplish this task (which occurs at least 100 times each day) without sight. I mean seriously, my daughter (my son is a bit more responsible in this area and generally remembers where he has put things, for which I am so grateful) will often ask me to find some obscure, tiny trinket that has suddenly become the only thing in the house worth playing with. And, of course, the last place she remembers playing with it was "in the living room." Well, we have a fairly big living room, and it is so ridiculous and time consuming to try and walk the whole length and width of our living room, hoping with every short, shuffling step that my feet haven't missed that one tiny section of carpet where the blue snowflake bead is sitting. Assuming, of course, that she was correct and it is actually in the living room and not upstairs, on the porch, or at grandma's house in Florida. And the worst part is, I know if (by a kind act of God) I do find it, she'll play with it for maybe another minute before deciding to run off and go lose something else.

2: Identifying the color of my daughter's clothing

Now to clarify this point, I am not referring to matching her clothing. It's actually fairly easy to remember what goes with what. I mean knowing exactly what color everything is for when she inevitably asks. For those who know my family well, the fact that my daughter cares about the color of her clothing at all may seem strange, as my daughter is completely blind, with no perception of color whatsoever. But oh that doesn't stop her from being obsessed about what color each article of her clothing is (and she has like 5000 articles of clothing), and she will ask me incessantly to identify what colors she is wearing. I have so much going on in my head as it is and I can barely remember my own wardrobe, there is no way I am keeping track of hers as well. I know what outfits of hers pair together based on textures, but keeping an inventory of their color shades isn't happening. I have to give her credit, though, she has learned to just go ask daddy. And in case anyone is curious, she has a favorite color that has remained consistent for some time now. It is yellow. And no, I have no earthly idea why. To further prove her color obsession, here's a fun little side story for all of you. Our kids have these two toy phones that are exactly identical in every way except one is pink and one is green. Lexy will repeatedly ask to play with Jon's, to which we reply that they are THE SAME PHONE! Lexy will insist that, no, they're NOT the same because “his is green!” But you don't even know what that really means!!! You can't see colors!!! That fact doesn't affect your experience of the phone in the slightest! So yeah, I find myself having to know what color every random thing is for the sake of a kid who can't see color but still wants to know what color everything is but has a mom who also can't see color. It's not fun.

3: Finding Socks

Again, I know this is a universal problem for which mankind has not yet found a solution (except perhaps moving to Florida and never wearing socks again), but I seriously think the sock population has figured out that 3 out of 4 in our household can't see. They are even more masterful at escaping or literally just disappearing out of existence. (And on a side note, I am chuckling to myself as I write this, imagining the secret conspiratorial meetings of our socks. This is what motherhood is doing to me.) I mean, I will take the laundry pile to the washer and account for all the socks and then when I take them out of the drier, one out of each pair is often just gone. It is incredibly vexing and I think if I had vision I would at least be able to recover SOME of the escapees and have a bit more sanity in my life.

4: Matching my kids' socks.

All right, anyone noticing a theme here? Apparently, I have sock issues. But be that as it may, there really is no easy and practical way without vision to match their socks effectively. I get (at least in theory) the desire for kids to get to wear colored socks that match their outfit perfectly... But is it really necessary? I mean, black or white socks would go well with just about anything, and I could find a way to label which was which or buy different textured ones. When more varied colors are added, it just becomes crazy. I usually just ask my husband (as the one sighted member of the family, he gets to do all the driving and color matching) or I have resorted to having a child I am babysitting who is sighted help me match socks. (Hey, it gave her a task and helped me out.) Maybe that's an idea, as long as relatives buy colored socks for my kids, I can see if parents want a 15 or 20-minute break and they can send over their sighted kids with appropriate color knowledge and help me match socks... Maybe?

5: Cleaning up poop

So I know I had said these weren't in any particular order, but I think this might be my biggest issue. Although I consider myself a decent writer, I don't even have the words to adequately describe how much I hate doing that task. I mean, it should be fairly obvious, but it's so hard to know if I've gotten it all or not. There are, of course, ways to be sure of that without sight, and I do utilize them, but it's just plain gross. I either have to smell or use my fingers... enough said, I think. It's an awful task anyway and factoring in the no vision clause is just adding insult to injury.

I have to say, though, in spite of my complaining, being a parent has really stretched and grown me. I have realized that I can do a heck of a lot more things blind than I would have thought; before our daughter came home, I was utterly terrified at the idea of caring for a child in any capacity. After her arrival, then babysitting others' children, and now also having our son, those tasks which petrified me seem commonplace. But I suppose that's one of the gracious aspects about parenting that God gives us is the chance to grow, to sacrifice for others and go way beyond what is comfortable and convenient. It is a crazy, exasperating undertaking, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.

A Rather Unusual Experience

I have been blind since birth, due to being born three months early.  I have had a lot of interesting experiences as a blind person, although I'm pretty sure most of them are shared with others who are blind.  All blind people have been asked ridiculous questions, helped when we didn't want it, or had people speak to us rather loudly, apparently conflating blindness and deafness.  But, none of those are what this post is about.

I wanted to use this post to tell all of you about an event that happened to me that I am very confident is not shared among all blind people.  This event does, however, have to do with my blindness. It would not have happened had I not been blind. I once had a faith-healer stalker.  No, I'm not kidding.  If you're curious, read on.

So I used to work at a homeless shelter back when Luke and I lived in Kansas City.  It was a shelter for families and single women.  I was a case manager, which meant I had a certain number of families or single women on my caseload.  When they would arrive at the shelter, I would meet with them and assess their situation.  We worked on getting needed resources and making a plan to move them towards no longer being homeless.  Needless to say, I saw many different people and dealt with all kinds of situations.  I did not expect to become a faith healer's newfound purpose in life, though. That one was quite a new thing for me (and for my boss as well.)

I had a client come in who had been to our shelter many times before.  She was known for being loud and abrupt and at times difficult to work with.  She was also extremely vulgar in her language and often participated in inappropriate joking.  She was only staying for two weeks, as a return client, so we went over the required items and she left my office.  I really don't remember seeing her around much during her two-week stay.

When I reminded this lady, towards the end of her stay, that her deadline to leave the shelter was approaching, she gave me the usual runaround.  After going through the reasons why she could not stay longer and reminding her of her options for other shelters, she left my office grumbling.  This wasn't anything new and I didn't think anything was unusual.  Apparently, as I found out later, she had quite the conversation with the shelter administrator.

I found out the next day, from my boss, that this woman had come to talk with him about her stay.  I assumed at first that she was simply appealing to my boss to overrule me and grant an extension. People understandably do that quite often. But no, this went a different direction. She told him that she could not leave because God had told her that it was her mission to heal me of my blindness. Once she was allowed to fulfill this purpose, she would leave without hesitation. She was completely serious and quite emphatic.  She insisted that, as she was part of a faith-healing charismatic church, it was her responsibility to cure me.

I wish I could have been there just to see my boss's reaction. He was a very composed man, so I am sure he held it together quite well.  He told her that she would have to leave that day, as it was her deadline, but if she wanted to come back the next day and speak with me privately, she was welcome to do that.  I had to give her my permission first.  I am glad that I was given warning of what this meeting was going to be about.  I don't know that I would have been able to keep my composure if that had been otherwise.

So, she came to my office and told me that she wanted to heal me.  Now, I will admit, there was a part of me that was tempted to let her try, just to make a point.  But instead, I explained that while I believe God could heal, I also believe that there is a purpose in my blindness.  I believe that He uses all things to conform me to the image of Christ and the fact that I am blind is not a negative thing.

She was not satisfied with this, however.  So I had to explain my second reason why I was unwilling.  Frankly, I didn't think that she was the person God would use to accomplish this.  Naturally, she was offended.  I explained that, in the time I had known her, she had not acted in the least like one who knew Christ.  Her life did not at all reflect the faith she professed.  And I also had to point out that it was interesting that she never brought up this quest until her deadline to leave the shelter was approaching.  I told her that, while I appreciated her desire, I was not comfortable with her trying such a thing.

All things considered, she took it well and sullenly left my office and the facility.  I assumed that was the end of it and we all had a laugh over the whole thing.  I would chuckle to myself as I pictured her jumping out of corners to faith heal me.  Well, it apparently wasn't so much of a joke.

A few days later, I was having dinner with some other employees when we got a call from security.  The same lady was there, backed up by a group of other women, and they all had bibles.  They were asking to see me, insisting that I come out to the security booth. Somehow my jokes of being ambushed now didn't seem quite so amusing.  Needless to say, I declined.  I still found the whole thing amusing, but a bit more disconcerting.

Not long after that, when I arrived at work, I was told about a crazy situation.  We often let people stay in the common room of the shelter overnight when all the family rooms are filled.  Well, apparently, my faith healer had attempted to do just that.  She had a fake ID and had tried to get back into the building under a different name! She was not trying to get a room, just a one-night stay in overflow...you know, so she could be in the common area waiting when a certain staff person got there in the morning.

It has been years since this incident and even now as I write it, I am laughing to myself.  The whole thing was just so bizarre and crazy.  It sounds like something that would be in a Lifetime movie or something.

In case anyone is wondering, I didn't decide to write this post because I had some amazing point in mind, or any broader point at all, really.  I honestly just thought it would be an unusual and amusing story from my life that was worth sharing.  I am happy to say that I have not had a repeat of this type of experience.  I think one crazy stalker is enough for a lifetime.

Why International Adoption?

I thought I would use this post to answer a question that we are asked rather frequently.  This question is “why did we decide to adopt internationally, rather than from the United States?”  Now, I think this is a completely logical and reasonable question for one to ask and I have no objection to it.  In fact, we as a family do not mind questions related to adoption or blindness issues and are happy to answer them.  Now, before answering this particular question, I feel I need to make one clarifying point before I give my answer.  We chose one route of adoption but I in no way perceive one way as superior over another.  All children, whether in the US foster system, an orphanage in another country, or through a private adoption of an infant, deserve to be in a loving and stable home.  The method pursued to adopt does not make a difference; there is not a best way to adopt and then second best options.  I am always overjoyed to meet others who are pursuing adoption, in whatever form that takes.

But, returning to our question, when we first started to seriously consider adoption, we had not honestly even thought of the idea of adopting internationally.  It wasn't on our radar; we were looking into domestic adoptions through either the foster care system or private agencies that work with mothers who desire to have their babies adopted.  We assumed international adoption was too expensive and just not really an option for us.  This perspective changed when we had dinner with some good friends of ours.  They pointed out that we might want to consider overseas adoptions, as special needs children often are not adopted in foreign countries by native citizens.  They then went on to point out that there were probably a lot of blind children who might not otherwise be adopted and that, given my blindness, we would be in a positive and unique position to benefit them.

I have to admit, this caught us off guard, but in a very positive way.  It seemed like such an obvious point, but somehow it had never occurred to us before.  We discovered that our friends were correct.  As we began the adoption process for our daughter, we were told by our caseworker that blind children are significantly less likely to be adopted and this only increases as they get older. (this is also true of deaf children).  This was again echoed by a caseworker from another agency as we began the process of adopting our son.   Our worker, in a frank conversation, told us that there were three factors stacked against him for adoption, he was a boy, was 8, and he had multiple disabilities, one of them being blindness.

We also had this trend confirmed through some friends of ours who are from the same eastern European country as our children, but live in the United States.  They told us that it was almost unthinkable that a native, resident citizen of said country would adopt a blind child.  They also have told us that we have no idea the hardship and deprivation our children would have faced if they had remained orphans in that country.  Our friends indicated that this would only grow worse as the kids grew older.  We saw a small glimpse of this harsh reality when we went to visit our son; he was the only actual child in his orphanage.  The others were not, in fact, children but adults in their twenties.  We did not realize this until we were told, as due to malnutrition and other negative environmental factors, they were small and looked like children.  This broke our hearts and gave us a glimpse of what would have awaited him if he had remained there.

As we have come to understand and realize all this, we continue to pursue overseas adoptions, specifically seeking special needs kids.  Now, please do not misunderstand me, I am not saying that a child raised in the US foster care system has it well or easy.  That is certainly not the case! I worked in that system and I can still tell you all the names of the kids I worked with and all they had to deal with, much of which would make even many adults crumble.  However, a blind child born or placed in the US foster system will still have access to all the incredible adaptive technology, will be taught Braille, and will receive orientation and mobility instruction, all through the schools and state agencies for the blind.  They will be literate, able to use computers and other technologies and will be able to navigate the world either with a cane or guide dog.  They will be at a much better advantage than their counterparts overseas.  Furthermore, as many in the US are aware of all the advances in technology, the prevalence of Braille and travel methods, it is more likely that a blind child in the US would be adopted. 

If anyone is considering adoption through the foster system, don't overlook special needs children.  There are so many services and technologies available to them and to you to empower them to live the fullest life possible.  They need loving homes just as much as those overseas.  For our part, though, we desire to be a family for children outside the United States who have harsher odds stacked against them.  Our son, for example, was 8 when he came home.  When we asked the staff at his orphanage what he did in school, their answers were vague and not very helpful.  I grew up in the public school system and had taken it for granted that braille instruction and cane travel are automatically given.  This was not the case for our son nor is it for the majority of blind orphans overseas. We want to help however we can and right now for us, that means continuing to adopt internationally.

I hope this answered the question for those who have asked and has also given you a perspective on international adoptions that perhaps you had not held before.  My hope, though, is that you read this and come away with the realization of the importance and need for families to adopt in general.  There are so many hurting children, whether they be right here in our country or many miles away around the world.  There is plenty of need for all of us to meet, whatever form that takes.  If you have any questions regarding how international adoption works (as that is the avenue I am most familiar with) please contact me; I would be more than happy to help in any way I can.  This need is too great to ignore and these children deserve more than just our pity.  They deserve our action.

Our Story

***Our story has changed since this was first written.  We sadly now cannot adopt the twins mentioned and pictured below.  We are still planning to adopt, but we are now waiting to be matched with another child or children.  If you want to know more about what happened, click here.***
So if anyone is going to take some of their valuable time and read another blog, it seems fitting that they should know a bit about the blogger. My name is Ashley; I am a 35 year old wife and mother. I am also a Christian and this view of the world influences and shapes all areas of my life and thinking. I have an MSW from Florida State University; I have lived in Florida, Louisiana, Missouri, Kansas and currently reside in Utah. I have worked as an adaptive technology instructor, a summer camp director, a social worker at a group home for children in foster care and a case manager at a family homeless shelter. I have two children and have two more on the way. Oh and I am totally blind; my two children are both blind. One of the two children that will be joining our family soon is blind. My husband, however, is sighted, which puts him in an amusing position at times. We keep him around for driving, color identification and for removal of insect pests from our home. In all seriousness though, I can't imagine life without him. He (Luke) works from our home as a writer and researcher and is a devoted husband and father. He has some amusing stories as to what it is like to be the only sighted member in a household, which I am sure he will share at some point.

So how did my husband find himself in this unusual position? Well, about two and a half years ago, Luke and I finally did something that we had long wanted to do. We started the arduous international adoption process and in December of 2015, we brought our daughter Alexandra (Lexy) home from eastern Europe. We were specifically considered for her because of my blindness; it was felt that our family would be in a unique position to work with and help her. She is now 5 but thinks she's 15 and loves gymnastics, climbing and jumping.

We had not intended to be a household of primarily blind members but in 2016, some good friends of ours sent us a profile of an 8 year old boy from the same country as Lexy. He was blind and had a mild case of cerebral palsy. While we were still adjusting to life with Lexy, and she to us, we knew the adoption process takes a long time, usually a year and a half. We would have time to work through our adjustment period. So in September 2017 Jonathan (Jon) came home. He spent the first 8 years of his life in an orphanage where he was usually left sitting on a couch with only a TV or radio for hours at a time. He was not walking and could not even stand up without support. He has made amazing progress since he has been with us and we are so proud. He is now able to stand up on his own, walk without support climb stairs, and jump, usually without a fall. When he does fall, he has learned how to improve his balance and thankfully it is a controlled fall. He is enjoying piano lessons; we discovered he has perfect pitch and an ear for harmonies.

 

Our story is now in its next chapter; we are in the process of adopting 3 year old twin girls, also from the same country. Zoe is sighted (I think Luke is happy to not be the only sighted family member anymore) and Madeline is blind and is sadly still not yet walking or speaking. We do not yet know the reason for this but it does not matter. We are excited for them to join our family and as every parent is before new arrivals, utterly terrified. So by this time next summer, there will be six of us and four will be blind.

So now to the next question that some may be asking, why am I writing a blog? There are so many grate family blogs out there, why add another one to the ever growing mix? Well the main reason is really the last sentence of the previous paragraph. Our family situation is unusual and when we tell our story on Facebook, we receive much positive and interested feedback. It seems that maybe our story and perspective might be interesting and perhaps helpful or useful to some. Luke and I are often asked questions about our family and situation, which is completely understandable and reasonable. I thought this blog might also be a good place to try and answer some of them.

And now to the last question that might be wondered, what will this blog actually be about? Well again one purpose will be to answer questions that we have often heard or others that may come up as our unique family continues to grow. I also hope this blog can be a way for me to share my perspective on adoption related issues, faith, homeschooling topics and family life in general, and any other random topics that come to mind. I will be writing from my perspective as a Christian, and a blind mother raising blind children and Lord willing soon, a sighted child as well. My goal is for some posts to be lighthearted musings of life as a mother and some to be dealing with more, I hope, thought provoking topics. If you have read up to this point, thank you so much. I hope you will continue to read on as I will be updating this weekly. If you have any questions (related to international adoption or blindness issues) that you would like me to answer here, feel free to contact me; I look forward to sharing my crazy life with all of you.