What Not to Say to Adoptive Families

When Luke and I first decided to start the adoption process back in 2014, we figured we would be asked a lot of questions. I am happy to say that most of them have been well thought out, and respectful. However, those are not the subject of this post. I thought I would take this opportunity to tell you about the two most awkward questions that were asked and one poor remark that was made. Luke was the one who had to field most of these; I feel bad for him, but am frankly glad that I wasn’t the one put in such an uncomfortable spot. I hope you all enjoy a glimpse of the “what the heck, did that just happen?” moments of our world. We seem to have a lot of those.

1. “So, which one of you can't have kids?”

No, I'm not kidding, I wish I was. This inconsiderate question was asked by a co-worker shortly after we had just started the process to adopt Lexy. Now, there are two glaring problems with this question. The first is the assumption that we are only adopting because we can't have “our own” kids. It is the idea that adoption is the second best or used car option of the child world. As I have said in previous posts, there are so many reasons to adopt, and none of them have to do with being unable to have kids biologically.

The second obvious error in asking such a question is that such a topic is none of your business. Infertility can be such a hard and painful issue and chances are, if one is struggling with this, he or she is likely to not want to discuss it so casually, especially with a passing acquaintance like a co-worker. But again, this question still makes a wrong underlying assumption. It assumes that the reason for adoption is about me or that it is done or not done, to make me happy. Adoption is not about me; it is about the orphan.

2. “Yeah, because having kids is just so hard on the body, right?”

Now, this may be true, but again, it assumes that I am adopting for what I can get out of it or because it will make my life easier somehow. This conjecture isn't even accurate as often, from a purely selfish standpoint, adopting makes one's life harder. Once again, this question assumes the motive for adopting to be focused on my happiness with no thought given to the plight of so many orphans. This aside, it is just an awkward question that I still, after all these years, cannot fathom that somebody actually asked it as if it were the most normal and natural topic of conversation.

3. “Oh, she looks so much like you (Ashley), I thought she was your own.”

Now to be as fair to the person who said this, I know what they probably meant.  They most likely meant it in the "you didn't give birth to her sense"  Be that as it may, that was a poor choice of words.

that poor remark was said in Lexy’s hearing, I might add. Thankfully, she was engaged in the play area at the restaurant and was very preoccupied going down the slides. She was also much younger and was not as acutely listening to everything we say, like she does now.  Of course she is ours, as if adopting her made her illegitimate or only partially ours, like getting a book on loan from a library. I think of the three, this was the most frustrating to me because I was present and Lexy was in earshot.

Sometimes the audacity of people surprises me. I do not mind, in the least, considerate questions relating to adoption. It is a topic I love to talk about and I wish there were more conversations about it in general.I just wish people would be more considerate and thoughtful before words just come out of their mouth. :)

Absurd Questions About blindness

In most cases, it is a good thing for people to ask questions.  I have no problem with friends, family, acquaintances, or even total strangers for that matter wanting to know about blindness issues.  I think this is more than fair especially as blindness is not something most people know a lot about and I wouldn't expect them to.  However, that said, it is prudent for one to think about what they are asking before said person just starts saying things.  So I thought I would use this post as an opportunity to tell all of you about the three most ridiculous questions I have encountered regarding blindness.  The first two are ones that were asked to me and the third is one that was put to some friends of mine.  I hope you all enjoy and for all my blind friends and readers out there, this is by no means meant to be an exhaustive list.  I'm sure you have plenty of your own and I would enjoy being amused along with you if you feel like sharing any of them. Also, just a note of warning, this will be a fairly sarcastic post, it just comes with the topic.

How do you use a phone?

Now, this was a rather popular question as I was growing up.  I could perhaps give the questioner a bit more slack today, as touchscreens have pretty much become the standard.  It would be a fair assumption that one who is not around blind persons often would not be aware of all the access technology that is out there.  As a side note, I will be doing a post about such things in the future, so stick around for that.

However, all that said, I was asked this 15/20 years ago.  This was in a time period before the mass production of flat, touchscreen cell phones (writing this sentence is just reminding me how old I am).  The phones that one was inquiring of me how I use, had this amazing feature called buttons! And these tactile objects were usually quite pronounced at that.  And to make it even more obvious, often the number five button had a dot or other marking on it, thus making it even easier to navigate said device.  I mean basically, as long as I could count in a straight row, I would easily find the numbers I needed to dial.  It really couldn't be much easier.

How do you eat?

No, I'm not kidding.  I wish I was, but alas no such luck.  I mean, it's been years and I consider myself a much more articulate person than I was then, but even now I am still struggling with how to answer this thought-out question without laughing hysterically.  I mean, perhaps all of my sighted readers can help me out here. You can't see your own face, right? Do you need to make use of a mirror when you eat?  Are you afraid you will miss your own mouth? When you're at the movie theater and eating from a bag of popcorn, do you take your eyes off the screen and stare down at the food every time you take a bite? Do you pull out a flashlight to see each kernel clearly if the theater is too dark? How do I eat?  Um, I just do.

Back when we lived in Kansas City, there was this exhibit that was at Union Station for quite a while.  It was called “dining in the dark.”  The premise was that you had to be in total darkness and attempt to do everyday tasks, such as cutting food, using utensils and, of course, eating.  Luke and I often talked about us going and I would leave my cane in the car.  It would have been so amusing to do these tasks as I normally would while watching everyone else (except Luke, he has become accustomed to accomplishing tasks without light) spill food all over themselves and make other such messes.  I regret that I never amused myself in this way.  Luke could have taken video too! It would have been memorable, to say the least.

Do blind people have sex?

Again, oh how I wish I were joking.  And you thought the eating question was absurd.  Now, remember, I said that this last question was put to friends of mine.  Well, just to further drive home the point of how utterly absurd this question was, those asked were a husband and wife.  They were introduced to the people as such.  And, oh it gets even better, the wife was pregnant.  I mean, don't most people (sighted or not) often do said activity in the dark anyway?  After all, it is a fairly, shall we say, hands-on activity.  But to give credit where it's due to the couple, they gave some awesome answer like “No, we reproduce in pods.”

So I sincerely hope this post will not discourage you from asking intelligent and thought-out questions about blindness.  I do hope, however, that it will instill the need for common sense when formulating the questions you would like to ask.  Again, to my blind friends and readers, please feel free to email me with questions you have been asked, perhaps I could do a follow up to this post.