Absurd Questions About blindness

In most cases, it is a good thing for people to ask questions.  I have no problem with friends, family, acquaintances, or even total strangers for that matter wanting to know about blindness issues.  I think this is more than fair especially as blindness is not something most people know a lot about and I wouldn't expect them to.  However, that said, it is prudent for one to think about what they are asking before said person just starts saying things.  So I thought I would use this post as an opportunity to tell all of you about the three most ridiculous questions I have encountered regarding blindness.  The first two are ones that were asked to me and the third is one that was put to some friends of mine.  I hope you all enjoy and for all my blind friends and readers out there, this is by no means meant to be an exhaustive list.  I'm sure you have plenty of your own and I would enjoy being amused along with you if you feel like sharing any of them. Also, just a note of warning, this will be a fairly sarcastic post, it just comes with the topic.

How do you use a phone?

Now, this was a rather popular question as I was growing up.  I could perhaps give the questioner a bit more slack today, as touchscreens have pretty much become the standard.  It would be a fair assumption that one who is not around blind persons often would not be aware of all the access technology that is out there.  As a side note, I will be doing a post about such things in the future, so stick around for that.

However, all that said, I was asked this 15/20 years ago.  This was in a time period before the mass production of flat, touchscreen cell phones (writing this sentence is just reminding me how old I am).  The phones that one was inquiring of me how I use, had this amazing feature called buttons! And these tactile objects were usually quite pronounced at that.  And to make it even more obvious, often the number five button had a dot or other marking on it, thus making it even easier to navigate said device.  I mean basically, as long as I could count in a straight row, I would easily find the numbers I needed to dial.  It really couldn't be much easier.

How do you eat?

No, I'm not kidding.  I wish I was, but alas no such luck.  I mean, it's been years and I consider myself a much more articulate person than I was then, but even now I am still struggling with how to answer this thought-out question without laughing hysterically.  I mean, perhaps all of my sighted readers can help me out here. You can't see your own face, right? Do you need to make use of a mirror when you eat?  Are you afraid you will miss your own mouth? When you're at the movie theater and eating from a bag of popcorn, do you take your eyes off the screen and stare down at the food every time you take a bite? Do you pull out a flashlight to see each kernel clearly if the theater is too dark? How do I eat?  Um, I just do.

Back when we lived in Kansas City, there was this exhibit that was at Union Station for quite a while.  It was called “dining in the dark.”  The premise was that you had to be in total darkness and attempt to do everyday tasks, such as cutting food, using utensils and, of course, eating.  Luke and I often talked about us going and I would leave my cane in the car.  It would have been so amusing to do these tasks as I normally would while watching everyone else (except Luke, he has become accustomed to accomplishing tasks without light) spill food all over themselves and make other such messes.  I regret that I never amused myself in this way.  Luke could have taken video too! It would have been memorable, to say the least.

Do blind people have sex?

Again, oh how I wish I were joking.  And you thought the eating question was absurd.  Now, remember, I said that this last question was put to friends of mine.  Well, just to further drive home the point of how utterly absurd this question was, those asked were a husband and wife.  They were introduced to the people as such.  And, oh it gets even better, the wife was pregnant.  I mean, don't most people (sighted or not) often do said activity in the dark anyway?  After all, it is a fairly, shall we say, hands-on activity.  But to give credit where it's due to the couple, they gave some awesome answer like “No, we reproduce in pods.”

So I sincerely hope this post will not discourage you from asking intelligent and thought-out questions about blindness.  I do hope, however, that it will instill the need for common sense when formulating the questions you would like to ask.  Again, to my blind friends and readers, please feel free to email me with questions you have been asked, perhaps I could do a follow up to this post.

Our Adoption Stories Through Song

Music has always been a big part of our family.  I wish by that statement I meant that we all played instruments or sang beautiful four-part harmony together, but sadly neither is the case.  Although I think Jon has the potential to be the musical genius of the family.  But what I actually mean is that we all love listening to good music.  It is a part of our family culture and songs are tied to certain events in our lives.  This had been the case when Luke and I were dating and then in our early marriage, but when kids came into the picture, the influence of music and the meaning songs held for us only increased.  I thought I would share with all of you 4 songs that have specific ties to our adoption stories and continue to have a deep impact on myself and/or the whole family.  These songs are very personal to me, as you'll see if you decide to read on; I hope though that perhaps you may find the words to these songs comforting to you as well.  If these songs don't specifically affect you, find some that do. Music is one of the many beautiful gifts that God has graciously given us to enjoy.

Iona is a Christian Celtic-esque band that I have enjoyed since early college.  However, one of their songs took on a whole new meaning for me when we went to visit Lexy for the first time in September 2015.  We had spent a crazy, terrifying yet wonderful week with her, getting to know her and trying to comprehend what on earth parenting would mean for us.  Luke and I were dreading that last day when we would have to say goodbye to her for an undetermined amount of time.  You see, our case had to go through the courts of her home country and we also had to get Lexy's visa and other immigration documents together on the U.S. side.

We spent that last day at a park and then had a nice lunch nearby.  The social worker let us go back to the swings with Lexy for a few more minutes after we had finished up lunch.  I remember pushing her on the swing, fighting back tears, and suddenly that song came to mind.  I started singing it to her, even though she did not know English yet and had no clue what the words meant.  But somehow those words could not have been more poignant and meaningful to me at that moment.  It was so hard to leave her, wondering if she would even remember us and having no idea when she would get to come home, but we knew that God would take care of her.  He absolutely did and we were able to bring her home much faster than we expected! She was home eight days before Christmas.

Anyone who knows our family well won't be surprised by more than one Rich Mullins song making this list.  As we began the adoption process for Jon, we were so unsure about his condition.  We didn't know how mobile he would ever be or what other challenges we would face in raising him.  I had known about this song for a while, as I listen to Rich Mullins music quite a lot.  His music was always played around the house growing up and listening to it always makes me think of my home and parents in FL, among many other things.  It didn't take long for this song to come to mind, even well before Jon was home. We already knew that Jon was completely blind and had a mild form of CP that affects his legs and restricts his mobility. The image of God's mercy not only taking him by the hand and "leading" him but also being the "strength in his legs" could have been written specifically for Jon. The words are just so perfect for what we felt as we prepared for him to join our family.  As he continues to grow and learn, the lyrics are just as relevant.  They embody so perfectly what we hope for him, the person we pray we will grow to be.

This song carries for me both joy and sadness, hope and regret.  When we thought we were going to be adopting our twins, this song held so much meaning.  Now that they will be with another family, it still means a lot to us, but on an even deeper level.  When we had finally decided on their names, we immediately thought of this song for the girl we had called Madeline.  And it's not just because the title has her name in it.  The song is about a little girl who was sick from a premature birth and not supposed to live. From what little we knew about our Madeline's history, this was so similar to her.  We think of the song often and, in a way, it helps us grieve but also makes us smile.  I can only wonder, if we had gotten to know Zoe, what song we would have found for her.  I am very sure we would have, as it seems songs find our kids.  I just wish we could have had the opportunity.  We miss them both.

I've heard this song since college.  It depicts everyday common things in life but is also written very beautifully.  I think, as we wait with excitement to see what child or children will be joining our family and yet still grieve over those we have lost, the words of this song ring true.  I know that whatever changes are coming our way and whatever emotions and thoughts they bring, God is constant throughout it all.  I hope, as my kids grow up, they will come to love music as I do (although I am hoping they will have the discipline to learn and develop a talent, unlike their mother) and that I can teach them through beautiful music and poignant lyrics about God and His wondrous creation.

Things that Drive this Mom Crazy

I have been blind since birth, and up until recently, this fact really hasn't bothered me or been much of a concern. I have to say, that is changing now that children are in the picture. I am finding instances in parenting where vision would be pretty darn helpful and convenient, not to mention just simply more efficient. So for hopefully an amusing read, I thought I would share my five most vexing issues of parenthood without sight. I hope you all enjoy, here they are in no particular order:

1: Finding my children's toys

Now, I completely realize that this is a huge pain for any mom, but it is extra annoying to try and accomplish this task (which occurs at least 100 times each day) without sight. I mean seriously, my daughter (my son is a bit more responsible in this area and generally remembers where he has put things, for which I am so grateful) will often ask me to find some obscure, tiny trinket that has suddenly become the only thing in the house worth playing with. And, of course, the last place she remembers playing with it was "in the living room." Well, we have a fairly big living room, and it is so ridiculous and time consuming to try and walk the whole length and width of our living room, hoping with every short, shuffling step that my feet haven't missed that one tiny section of carpet where the blue snowflake bead is sitting. Assuming, of course, that she was correct and it is actually in the living room and not upstairs, on the porch, or at grandma's house in Florida. And the worst part is, I know if (by a kind act of God) I do find it, she'll play with it for maybe another minute before deciding to run off and go lose something else.

2: Identifying the color of my daughter's clothing

Now to clarify this point, I am not referring to matching her clothing. It's actually fairly easy to remember what goes with what. I mean knowing exactly what color everything is for when she inevitably asks. For those who know my family well, the fact that my daughter cares about the color of her clothing at all may seem strange, as my daughter is completely blind, with no perception of color whatsoever. But oh that doesn't stop her from being obsessed about what color each article of her clothing is (and she has like 5000 articles of clothing), and she will ask me incessantly to identify what colors she is wearing. I have so much going on in my head as it is and I can barely remember my own wardrobe, there is no way I am keeping track of hers as well. I know what outfits of hers pair together based on textures, but keeping an inventory of their color shades isn't happening. I have to give her credit, though, she has learned to just go ask daddy. And in case anyone is curious, she has a favorite color that has remained consistent for some time now. It is yellow. And no, I have no earthly idea why. To further prove her color obsession, here's a fun little side story for all of you. Our kids have these two toy phones that are exactly identical in every way except one is pink and one is green. Lexy will repeatedly ask to play with Jon's, to which we reply that they are THE SAME PHONE! Lexy will insist that, no, they're NOT the same because “his is green!” But you don't even know what that really means!!! You can't see colors!!! That fact doesn't affect your experience of the phone in the slightest! So yeah, I find myself having to know what color every random thing is for the sake of a kid who can't see color but still wants to know what color everything is but has a mom who also can't see color. It's not fun.

3: Finding Socks

Again, I know this is a universal problem for which mankind has not yet found a solution (except perhaps moving to Florida and never wearing socks again), but I seriously think the sock population has figured out that 3 out of 4 in our household can't see. They are even more masterful at escaping or literally just disappearing out of existence. (And on a side note, I am chuckling to myself as I write this, imagining the secret conspiratorial meetings of our socks. This is what motherhood is doing to me.) I mean, I will take the laundry pile to the washer and account for all the socks and then when I take them out of the drier, one out of each pair is often just gone. It is incredibly vexing and I think if I had vision I would at least be able to recover SOME of the escapees and have a bit more sanity in my life.

4: Matching my kids' socks.

All right, anyone noticing a theme here? Apparently, I have sock issues. But be that as it may, there really is no easy and practical way without vision to match their socks effectively. I get (at least in theory) the desire for kids to get to wear colored socks that match their outfit perfectly... But is it really necessary? I mean, black or white socks would go well with just about anything, and I could find a way to label which was which or buy different textured ones. When more varied colors are added, it just becomes crazy. I usually just ask my husband (as the one sighted member of the family, he gets to do all the driving and color matching) or I have resorted to having a child I am babysitting who is sighted help me match socks. (Hey, it gave her a task and helped me out.) Maybe that's an idea, as long as relatives buy colored socks for my kids, I can see if parents want a 15 or 20-minute break and they can send over their sighted kids with appropriate color knowledge and help me match socks... Maybe?

5: Cleaning up poop

So I know I had said these weren't in any particular order, but I think this might be my biggest issue. Although I consider myself a decent writer, I don't even have the words to adequately describe how much I hate doing that task. I mean, it should be fairly obvious, but it's so hard to know if I've gotten it all or not. There are, of course, ways to be sure of that without sight, and I do utilize them, but it's just plain gross. I either have to smell or use my fingers... enough said, I think. It's an awful task anyway and factoring in the no vision clause is just adding insult to injury.

I have to say, though, in spite of my complaining, being a parent has really stretched and grown me. I have realized that I can do a heck of a lot more things blind than I would have thought; before our daughter came home, I was utterly terrified at the idea of caring for a child in any capacity. After her arrival, then babysitting others' children, and now also having our son, those tasks which petrified me seem commonplace. But I suppose that's one of the gracious aspects about parenting that God gives us is the chance to grow, to sacrifice for others and go way beyond what is comfortable and convenient. It is a crazy, exasperating undertaking, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Things to Consider If Pursuing an International Adoption

There are so many things to consider when beginning the international adoption journey. I think even making the decision itself to start researching can be an effort and already feel like quite a feat. Since we are on our third international adoption, I thought I would share three points that I hope will be helpful to anyone considering this amazing and terrifying undertaking. There will be more of these types of posts to come, but I was very sure all of you would not want to read all 10 or so of my considerations all at once.

1- Seek out any friends (or even friends of friends) who would be willing to talk with you about their experiences.

When Luke and I finally after months of paperwork, worrying over funding and feeling like the call would never come, were at last given our travel dates to go meet Lexy. We were ecstatic and also frightened out of our minds. We had absolutely no idea even remotely what to expect. We felt like we had just made it out of a huge pit, only to be now thrown into another, even deeper one. By God's providence, we were connected with a family (friend of a friend type situation) who had recently adopted their first son from the same country. Nicole and Jeremy are now some of our dearest friends and they are in the process of adopting their fourth child.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. So, we were put in touch with this family we had never met who had previously adopted from the same nation where Luke and I would soon be traveling. I hesitantly called Nicole, honestly not sure how awkward or short this conversation was going to be. Nicole was nothing but gracious and forthcoming, and we soon were having dinner with them. She is an amazing cook, so the food was great, but what was more important was the conversation. It helped more than I can even express to be able to talk with someone who had been to the country and could give us a basic idea of what to expect. Perhaps even more important than the practical, logistical points was that they were willing to share how they felt and thought as they met and then later brought their son home. It helped us later, as we struggled with similar fears and feelings. It made the pit seem much less deep. There are also many forums and email lists out there dealing with international adoption. While interpersonal connections I think are overall better, sometimes it just isn't possible. The internet is an amazing tool, so make good use of it. Don't be afraid to ask all your questions, even the ones you think are silly or embarrassing. Learn all you can from others.

2- Take the time to research country requirements.

I do not say this as a hard and fast rule, but I think it may save you heartache or unexpected frustration in the long run. The requirements of countries can vary significantly, and there are many factors to take into account. Here are just a few:

1. income/assets required
2. length of time in the country
3. allowed ages of adoptive parents
4. number of trips required
5. whether the adoption is finalized in the country or has to be finished in the US courts
6. the types of medical evaluations needed
7. length of marriage of adoptive parents

Another difference that up until recently we were not aware of, is that some countries release their child profiles to multiple adoption agencies at once. This means that, if you were in the process of working to adopt a specific child from one of these countries with agency X, another family, using agency Y, may be farther along in the process without you or your agency even knowing it. The family that is ahead in the process may then be given full access to that child's file which would halt your effort for your desired child. An important question you might want to ask when looking into adopting from a country is “at what point in the process will the child’s file be held exclusively for my family?” In some countries that is much later in the process than in others. Now, please hear me, I am not saying to avoid these countries altogether and therefore those children. I am simply saying to be aware of this possibility in advance so that you are not blindsided if it happens.

Another important item to be aware of is which countries are under the Hague convention. Basically, countries under the Hague convention have signed agreements setting standards in international adoptions. This essentially means that the chances of corruption or unfair dealings are reduced. Also, it is important to keep in mind that some adoption grants will only allow one to apply if the adoption is being done through a Hague country. Again, those children in nonHague countries deserve permanent and loving families and should not be avoided just because of where they happen to reside. However, it is worth knowing this information up front, again so that you will not be shocked if things do become more difficult.

3- Seek out agency recommendations from those who have adopted.

The agency you will end up working with will be a huge part of your life for many months. It is a good idea to hear feedback from others on what they liked or didn't like about the specific agency they went through. Of course, your agency choice may be limited by what country you are adopting from, but it is still a good idea to hear what others have to say in this matter. For our part, we especially recommend Children’s Hope International; we can, of course, only speak for one of their country programs, but we have consistently found their staff to be professional, helpful, and thorough. They can often and easily be reached by phone, which is helpful for unexpected questions and just overall peace of mind, especially if it is your first adoption.

I hope, if you are considering international adoption, I hope you found this helpful. If you know anyone who is interested in the process, please feel free to pass this along. As I said above, this is only the first installment, so keep an eye out for the others on this topic in the weeks ahead!

A Rather Unusual Experience

I have been blind since birth, due to being born three months early.  I have had a lot of interesting experiences as a blind person, although I'm pretty sure most of them are shared with others who are blind.  All blind people have been asked ridiculous questions, helped when we didn't want it, or had people speak to us rather loudly, apparently conflating blindness and deafness.  But, none of those are what this post is about.

I wanted to use this post to tell all of you about an event that happened to me that I am very confident is not shared among all blind people.  This event does, however, have to do with my blindness. It would not have happened had I not been blind. I once had a faith-healer stalker.  No, I'm not kidding.  If you're curious, read on.

So I used to work at a homeless shelter back when Luke and I lived in Kansas City.  It was a shelter for families and single women.  I was a case manager, which meant I had a certain number of families or single women on my caseload.  When they would arrive at the shelter, I would meet with them and assess their situation.  We worked on getting needed resources and making a plan to move them towards no longer being homeless.  Needless to say, I saw many different people and dealt with all kinds of situations.  I did not expect to become a faith healer's newfound purpose in life, though. That one was quite a new thing for me (and for my boss as well.)

I had a client come in who had been to our shelter many times before.  She was known for being loud and abrupt and at times difficult to work with.  She was also extremely vulgar in her language and often participated in inappropriate joking.  She was only staying for two weeks, as a return client, so we went over the required items and she left my office.  I really don't remember seeing her around much during her two-week stay.

When I reminded this lady, towards the end of her stay, that her deadline to leave the shelter was approaching, she gave me the usual runaround.  After going through the reasons why she could not stay longer and reminding her of her options for other shelters, she left my office grumbling.  This wasn't anything new and I didn't think anything was unusual.  Apparently, as I found out later, she had quite the conversation with the shelter administrator.

I found out the next day, from my boss, that this woman had come to talk with him about her stay.  I assumed at first that she was simply appealing to my boss to overrule me and grant an extension. People understandably do that quite often. But no, this went a different direction. She told him that she could not leave because God had told her that it was her mission to heal me of my blindness. Once she was allowed to fulfill this purpose, she would leave without hesitation. She was completely serious and quite emphatic.  She insisted that, as she was part of a faith-healing charismatic church, it was her responsibility to cure me.

I wish I could have been there just to see my boss's reaction. He was a very composed man, so I am sure he held it together quite well.  He told her that she would have to leave that day, as it was her deadline, but if she wanted to come back the next day and speak with me privately, she was welcome to do that.  I had to give her my permission first.  I am glad that I was given warning of what this meeting was going to be about.  I don't know that I would have been able to keep my composure if that had been otherwise.

So, she came to my office and told me that she wanted to heal me.  Now, I will admit, there was a part of me that was tempted to let her try, just to make a point.  But instead, I explained that while I believe God could heal, I also believe that there is a purpose in my blindness.  I believe that He uses all things to conform me to the image of Christ and the fact that I am blind is not a negative thing.

She was not satisfied with this, however.  So I had to explain my second reason why I was unwilling.  Frankly, I didn't think that she was the person God would use to accomplish this.  Naturally, she was offended.  I explained that, in the time I had known her, she had not acted in the least like one who knew Christ.  Her life did not at all reflect the faith she professed.  And I also had to point out that it was interesting that she never brought up this quest until her deadline to leave the shelter was approaching.  I told her that, while I appreciated her desire, I was not comfortable with her trying such a thing.

All things considered, she took it well and sullenly left my office and the facility.  I assumed that was the end of it and we all had a laugh over the whole thing.  I would chuckle to myself as I pictured her jumping out of corners to faith heal me.  Well, it apparently wasn't so much of a joke.

A few days later, I was having dinner with some other employees when we got a call from security.  The same lady was there, backed up by a group of other women, and they all had bibles.  They were asking to see me, insisting that I come out to the security booth. Somehow my jokes of being ambushed now didn't seem quite so amusing.  Needless to say, I declined.  I still found the whole thing amusing, but a bit more disconcerting.

Not long after that, when I arrived at work, I was told about a crazy situation.  We often let people stay in the common room of the shelter overnight when all the family rooms are filled.  Well, apparently, my faith healer had attempted to do just that.  She had a fake ID and had tried to get back into the building under a different name! She was not trying to get a room, just a one-night stay in overflow...you know, so she could be in the common area waiting when a certain staff person got there in the morning.

It has been years since this incident and even now as I write it, I am laughing to myself.  The whole thing was just so bizarre and crazy.  It sounds like something that would be in a Lifetime movie or something.

In case anyone is wondering, I didn't decide to write this post because I had some amazing point in mind, or any broader point at all, really.  I honestly just thought it would be an unusual and amusing story from my life that was worth sharing.  I am happy to say that I have not had a repeat of this type of experience.  I think one crazy stalker is enough for a lifetime.