Part Two: Things to Consider if pursuing an International Adoption

This is the second part of the post titled “Things to Consider if Pursuing an International Adoption.”  If you missed the first part, you can read it HERE. I'd like to share three more factors to be aware of when considering an international adoption; I hope they will be helpful to you.

1. Expect to be given little medical information about the child.

I am speaking here of simple medical information that we take for granted.  I can't count the number of times when taking Lexy or Jon to the doctor, how often we would be asked things like what medications they are allergic to, what their overall medical history is or their family medical history.  When we say that we do not know, due to their adoption circumstances, my favorite response is “well, didn't you ask those questions?”  We answer this by calmly explaining that yes, of course we asked, but we are given little information in general and there is questionable accuracy as to the few details we were given.

However, if you will allow me a moment of sarcasm, what I want to say is something like...  “Oh of course, how could we be so forgetful?  The mother who left our daughter at the hospital soon after she was born, invited us over for dinner before we left the country.  She gave us a detailed background on her medical history and that of extended family.  And as for our son, when they left him at the orphanage nine years ago, they wrote up a detailed report before they left.”  Thank you for indulging my sarcasm.  As you have gathered, these are the type of questions that you unfortunately rarely have the answers to.  Often the profiles you receive are vague regarding medical history and birth families, and what is written there may not even be accurate.  This conversation usually happens to us every time we take our kids to urgent care or to a specialist; we are met with perplexed looks or sometimes condescending glares.  Sadly, a lot of medical issues you have to find out on your own, once your child is home.  It can be a bit overwhelming at first, but finding a good primary care physician (which I am happy to say we finally have) can make a huge difference.

2. Jet lag is a force to be reckoned with but don't let it stop you from experiencing the country.

Seriously, jet lag is an insane entity all its own.  We had no idea what we were dealing with.  When we traveled to meet Lexy, for example, we were allowed to see her each morning through the early afternoon.  We would be dropped off at our hotel around 3 pm. And for the next 5 hours, everything we would do was designed to keep us awake.  All we wanted to do was sleep, but if we went to bed that early, it would be even more terrible.

So we walked around the town, stopped at shops and ate way too much incredible food.  I'm sorry America, but we just don't know how to make chocolate here.  My mouth is watering just thinking about that country's chocolate, not to mention cheese.  We thought though that as the week went on we would grow accustomed to the 9 hour time difference, no such luck.  As we flew back to the states at the end of the week, we had a long layover in Philadelphia. After killing time fruitlessly trying to find an authentic Philly cheese steak place in the airport; we just went and found a quiet corner to take a nap.  I used my purse as a pillow.  While under normal circumstances this might seem like a reasonable idea, these were hardly normal.  I was so unspeakably tired that I forgot the bag in question contained a large cheese that some friends had given us before we left the country.  I vaguely remember wondering as I dozed off why the bag was so soft and comfortable...  Needless to say, the cheese was rather misshapen when I awoke.  I had really been looking forward to eating it, not to mention sharing it with all my friends.  But as tired as we were, I am so glad we still made ourselves get out and see where we were.  I would encourage everyone to do the same and if you are traveling to a country in Europe, buy as much chocolate in local shops (not the airport) as you can carry.

3. According to the files and orphanage staff, every child is just perfect

Allow me to clarify here.  There seems to be a pattern, whether you are reading an adoption profile on a website or in the country speaking with the orphanage staff, that every child in question eats fine, sleeps perfectly throughout the night, never gets upset and is just a wonderful specimen of a human being.  We found this to be true with both Jon and Lexy's caretakers.  I imagine the main reason for this is the fear that if truthful, negative information is given, the couple will change their minds.  It makes me so sad every time. I wish they would believe us that we have no intention of backing out.  However, it really would be so helpful to know the true character or issues that our child might have. It could only help us be better parents.  Sadly, just like with the medical information mentioned above, you get the fun of discovering all your child's behaviors and issues firsthand.  But I suppose that is pretty typical of parenting; you don't get a detailed manual about the child before they are born either.

I hope that these lessons from our adoptions have been useful to you.  If you or someone you know is considering this, we would be more than happy to help however we can.

What Not to Say to Adoptive Families

When Luke and I first decided to start the adoption process back in 2014, we figured we would be asked a lot of questions. I am happy to say that most of them have been well thought out, and respectful. However, those are not the subject of this post. I thought I would take this opportunity to tell you about the two most awkward questions that were asked and one poor remark that was made. Luke was the one who had to field most of these; I feel bad for him, but am frankly glad that I wasn’t the one put in such an uncomfortable spot. I hope you all enjoy a glimpse of the “what the heck, did that just happen?” moments of our world. We seem to have a lot of those.

1. “So, which one of you can't have kids?”

No, I'm not kidding, I wish I was. This inconsiderate question was asked by a co-worker shortly after we had just started the process to adopt Lexy. Now, there are two glaring problems with this question. The first is the assumption that we are only adopting because we can't have “our own” kids. It is the idea that adoption is the second best or used car option of the child world. As I have said in previous posts, there are so many reasons to adopt, and none of them have to do with being unable to have kids biologically.

The second obvious error in asking such a question is that such a topic is none of your business. Infertility can be such a hard and painful issue and chances are, if one is struggling with this, he or she is likely to not want to discuss it so casually, especially with a passing acquaintance like a co-worker. But again, this question still makes a wrong underlying assumption. It assumes that the reason for adoption is about me or that it is done or not done, to make me happy. Adoption is not about me; it is about the orphan.

2. “Yeah, because having kids is just so hard on the body, right?”

Now, this may be true, but again, it assumes that I am adopting for what I can get out of it or because it will make my life easier somehow. This conjecture isn't even accurate as often, from a purely selfish standpoint, adopting makes one's life harder. Once again, this question assumes the motive for adopting to be focused on my happiness with no thought given to the plight of so many orphans. This aside, it is just an awkward question that I still, after all these years, cannot fathom that somebody actually asked it as if it were the most normal and natural topic of conversation.

3. “Oh, she looks so much like you (Ashley), I thought she was your own.”

Now to be as fair to the person who said this, I know what they probably meant.  They most likely meant it in the "you didn't give birth to her sense"  Be that as it may, that was a poor choice of words.

that poor remark was said in Lexy’s hearing, I might add. Thankfully, she was engaged in the play area at the restaurant and was very preoccupied going down the slides. She was also much younger and was not as acutely listening to everything we say, like she does now.  Of course she is ours, as if adopting her made her illegitimate or only partially ours, like getting a book on loan from a library. I think of the three, this was the most frustrating to me because I was present and Lexy was in earshot.

Sometimes the audacity of people surprises me. I do not mind, in the least, considerate questions relating to adoption. It is a topic I love to talk about and I wish there were more conversations about it in general.I just wish people would be more considerate and thoughtful before words just come out of their mouth. :)

Cooking While Blind?

I thought I would use this post to answer a question I am often asked and that is, how do you cook without sight?  Since cooking is one of the main jobs of a mom, aside from perhaps laundry, I think this is a sensible question.  And since a lot of aspects of cooking certainly utilize sight, I can understand why this question is asked so much.  It can be difficult to write down how I do something that, after all these years, just seems so normal, but I will do my best.

I think this will be a much more amusing post if I give some backstory.  I never cooked growing up.  I mean, not even a little.  In high school, I went to a summer training program to learn how to do things using alternative techniques as a blind person.  Most of the staff were blind and it was encouraging to see them perform these tasks.  I did some basic cooking there but when I attempted to make a box mix cornbread, I somehow set the oven on fire.

In case anyone is worried, I've come a long way since then and I am feeding my family quite safely and well.  So when I graduated high school, I went back to the adult version of that training program.  I like to call it blindness boot-camp.  By the end of it, I had to cook a meal for 40 people. I made chili, salad, and cornbread. There were no fires, everyone seemed to enjoy it, and to my knowledge, no one got sick. :)

When I first started college, I took steps back in my culinary endeavors, making heavy use of the cafeteria and microwave.  Once I moved out of the dorms into the on-campus apartments, I did actually start cooking.  But I mainly utilized the crockpot and rotated the same 3 or 4 recipes continuously.  Sadly, this somewhat lazy method persisted for quite a bit into my marriage.  Luke would often do most of the cooking; he didn't complain and neither did I, he's a good cook.

A few years ago, when we first arrived in Utah, an acquaintance taught me how to make bread.  Like, real bread from scratch.  And I was actually successful at it!  This spurred me on to want to try new things, and I have begun to enjoy learning new recipes, some of which are more complicated than I ever would have attempted before.  My favorite so far is gumbo. :)

So now that you know about my cooking journey, how do I do it practically?  Well, for starters, I follow recipes, they are just on the computer.  There are screenreading programs which will read everything out loud; it's easy to go through my recipes folder and pick out something for dinner.

As far as knowing where ingredients and utensils are, that's fairly easy, at least in my own kitchen.  I have a system, which I'll readily admit could be more organized, but it works for me.  Many ingredients, like flour or sugar or salt, for example, have a different texture and it's easy to know which is which.  Obviously for things that are in boxes or cans, I either ask Luke for help identifying or if I'm feeling particularly ambitious, will put braille labels on things.  There is also an app for my phone, which can scan the barcodes of items, although I'm cheap and haven't thought it necessary to spend the money on it yet, but that is another way of solving the identification problem.

Now, to the actual cooking.  I make more use of my hands than most people would.  Don't worry, they are always thoroughly washed.  It's not that I don't use utensils for mixing and such, it's just that, for me, I find I have a much better idea about what is happening with the food if I use my fingers.  I can tell how well things are mixed or if the consistency of a batter is correct.  Another method that I use is smell, particularly with meat or vegetables.  When said items are done they have a certain aroma.  The spatula and wooden spoon are basically like my kitchen canes; I can deduce a lot from the texture or thickness of the food.  Sound is another key element of knowing if something needs more cook time.  I had to learn a lot of this by repetition, but after many years of practice, I think I am in a good culinary place.  It will be exciting to teach my kids how to cook. Hopefully no appliances will be set on fire, but who knows.

Lastly, I have been asked if, due to my blindness, I cut myself or burn myself more than normal.  Well, since I don't know statistics on kitchen injuries, it's hard to say if my share of them are above average or not.  I have cut myself occasionally, although the worst cut I ever had was not from a knife, but from the lid of a can lol so go figure.  I've also occasionally burned myself from the hot pan on the stove or when getting/removing food from the oven.  However, everyone has those slight kitchen injuries, and I don't think they are specifically related to blindness.  I am careful and use potholders and oven mitts, but sometimes, even with all the precautions, accidents still happen.  Life goes on and we all continue to cook.

I'll end with a story.  Back in college, I burned myself decently when taking something out of the oven.  I treated it with over the counter stuff I had but after a few days, decided to go to the on-campus clinic, just to make sure it was healing properly, as it had blistered more than I expected.  Based on the nurse's tone of voice, when I told her how I had gotten the burn, you'd think I'd stuck my hands inside a volcano or that I had a third-degree burn or something.  She also said that I probably shouldn't be around such appliances anymore, to which I should have said, “Deal, if you'll pay for all my meals from now on, I'll never cook again.”  Life and people can be rather amusing.

Challenges My Kids Often Face When Playing With Others

This is one of those emotional posts to write.  As a mother, I try to balance my maternal desire to protect my kids from all discomfort with the realization that life is not always easy and they need to learn how to deal with life not being fair.  That said, I feel this is something I can speak to without crossing that line of coddling my children, or at least, I certainly hope you would all agree.  I want to talk about how sighted kids interact, or to the point, often don't interact with my blind kids.

Let me try and explain.  My kids are not as fast as sighted kids.  Now, from a selfish standpoint, sometimes that is nice for me.  They can't run away from me, and they often avoid much mischief only because they just don't know something is available to destroy.  But this also makes it more complicated for them to play with sighted kids who can freely and quickly run throughout the house or playground.  My kids can't just take off with them, at least, not without help.  I often see that my kids are excluded from much of the play that occurs, not due to any conscious ill-intent by the other kids, but perhaps just due to not being aware of this fact and its consequences.  As a result, they often end up just playing with each other and not getting to interact with others.

Now let me be clear about what I am not saying here.  I am by no means saying that sighted kids should cease all physical play when my kids arrive.  I am not saying that they should only be playing in ways that are the easiest for my kids.  I am not saying that the world revolves around them.  Despite my best efforts, they already think it does enough as it is. :)  But what I am saying is a few things that I hope will give you an idea of where I am coming from on this matter.

I am asking you, parents of sighted kids, to try and teach your children about differences.  Try and explain (in my kids' case) that blindness makes it harder, not impossible, to run or be as active without help.  Tell them that my kids still love to play just as much as they do.  Offer them suggestions about how to bring my kids into their physical/active games.  Especially in Lexy's case, my girl loves to run and climb.  Talk to your kids about something as simple as walking up to her and saying “Hi Lexy, it's so-and-so, we're playing tag, want to run with me?”  or “Hi Lexy, we're playing hide and seek, want to help me look for everybody?”  I am very sure she would heartily agree!

In Jon's case, as he is less mobile, “Hi Jon, we're playing hide and seek, want to help me count?”  Or “Hey Jon, we're going to play music and dance, want to come?”  Even if he didn't dance, he would still enjoy the music and would probably clap or otherwise keep good rhythm.  Let's go beyond games.  Try and teach your kids to just come over and strike up a conversation.  Jon loves to talk and wants to be social; he just needs encouragement from others.  I am trying to teach social skills; I often give them ideas of things to talk about with other kids, depending on the context of where we are going.  This can't work if no one will talk with them.

Please explain to your kids about eye contact and that, due to blindness, my kids can't look them in the eyes, but that doesn't mean they don't want to talk with them.  Often, I'll hear my kids saying something presumably to a child whose voice they've recognized, (or introducing themselves to a child they don't know) but since they can only look in their general direction, the person they were addressing has left before the full sentence was out.  As a side note, this still happens to me, I'll be in conversation with someone and they have to quickly step away and I don't realize it.  I take no offense to it, but it can be awkward at times.  If someone is able to tell me that they will be right back, it is always appreciated.

Please explain that they could, once in a while, consider other activities that my kids could more readily participate in, such as blocks or Legos or coloring (yes, my kids love to color, isn't that cool?)  I have known many awesome families who have done this, and it is the most wonderful thing to see. And my kids love it and remember it. :)  Thank you to those who have, you don't know the joy it brings to me as a mother to see my kids playing like that.

I am thankful that in elementary school, I rarely remember feeling rejected by my peers.  That changed entering middle and high school.  Now, to be fair, some of that was due to the general self-imposed ridiculousness and drama of teenage years, but I do think that some of it was due to my blindness.  I don't want my kids to always have that hovering over them. I want them to be confident children and adults and to learn how to interact and do well in a sighted world. But they can't do this alone and I can't teach them alone.  I need your help.  It's not my place to come and try and interject myself into your kid's life in that authoritative, teaching way.  Come alongside me and teach your kids beforehand, just as I try and teach mine about interacting and social skills, so that our teaching efforts will work together.  If you homeschool, incorporate this kind of thing into your weekly routine.  Let's get together, as much as is possible, so our kids can all learn and interact together.  This will not just be doing a service for my kids but will be of value to yours as well.