Part Two: Things to Consider if pursuing an International Adoption

This is the second part of the post titled “Things to Consider if Pursuing an International Adoption.”  If you missed the first part, you can read it HERE. I'd like to share three more factors to be aware of when considering an international adoption; I hope they will be helpful to you.

1. Expect to be given little medical information about the child.

I am speaking here of simple medical information that we take for granted.  I can't count the number of times when taking Lexy or Jon to the doctor, how often we would be asked things like what medications they are allergic to, what their overall medical history is or their family medical history.  When we say that we do not know, due to their adoption circumstances, my favorite response is “well, didn't you ask those questions?”  We answer this by calmly explaining that yes, of course we asked, but we are given little information in general and there is questionable accuracy as to the few details we were given.

However, if you will allow me a moment of sarcasm, what I want to say is something like...  “Oh of course, how could we be so forgetful?  The mother who left our daughter at the hospital soon after she was born, invited us over for dinner before we left the country.  She gave us a detailed background on her medical history and that of extended family.  And as for our son, when they left him at the orphanage nine years ago, they wrote up a detailed report before they left.”  Thank you for indulging my sarcasm.  As you have gathered, these are the type of questions that you unfortunately rarely have the answers to.  Often the profiles you receive are vague regarding medical history and birth families, and what is written there may not even be accurate.  This conversation usually happens to us every time we take our kids to urgent care or to a specialist; we are met with perplexed looks or sometimes condescending glares.  Sadly, a lot of medical issues you have to find out on your own, once your child is home.  It can be a bit overwhelming at first, but finding a good primary care physician (which I am happy to say we finally have) can make a huge difference.

2. Jet lag is a force to be reckoned with but don't let it stop you from experiencing the country.

Seriously, jet lag is an insane entity all its own.  We had no idea what we were dealing with.  When we traveled to meet Lexy, for example, we were allowed to see her each morning through the early afternoon.  We would be dropped off at our hotel around 3 pm. And for the next 5 hours, everything we would do was designed to keep us awake.  All we wanted to do was sleep, but if we went to bed that early, it would be even more terrible.

So we walked around the town, stopped at shops and ate way too much incredible food.  I'm sorry America, but we just don't know how to make chocolate here.  My mouth is watering just thinking about that country's chocolate, not to mention cheese.  We thought though that as the week went on we would grow accustomed to the 9 hour time difference, no such luck.  As we flew back to the states at the end of the week, we had a long layover in Philadelphia. After killing time fruitlessly trying to find an authentic Philly cheese steak place in the airport; we just went and found a quiet corner to take a nap.  I used my purse as a pillow.  While under normal circumstances this might seem like a reasonable idea, these were hardly normal.  I was so unspeakably tired that I forgot the bag in question contained a large cheese that some friends had given us before we left the country.  I vaguely remember wondering as I dozed off why the bag was so soft and comfortable...  Needless to say, the cheese was rather misshapen when I awoke.  I had really been looking forward to eating it, not to mention sharing it with all my friends.  But as tired as we were, I am so glad we still made ourselves get out and see where we were.  I would encourage everyone to do the same and if you are traveling to a country in Europe, buy as much chocolate in local shops (not the airport) as you can carry.

3. According to the files and orphanage staff, every child is just perfect

Allow me to clarify here.  There seems to be a pattern, whether you are reading an adoption profile on a website or in the country speaking with the orphanage staff, that every child in question eats fine, sleeps perfectly throughout the night, never gets upset and is just a wonderful specimen of a human being.  We found this to be true with both Jon and Lexy's caretakers.  I imagine the main reason for this is the fear that if truthful, negative information is given, the couple will change their minds.  It makes me so sad every time. I wish they would believe us that we have no intention of backing out.  However, it really would be so helpful to know the true character or issues that our child might have. It could only help us be better parents.  Sadly, just like with the medical information mentioned above, you get the fun of discovering all your child's behaviors and issues firsthand.  But I suppose that is pretty typical of parenting; you don't get a detailed manual about the child before they are born either.

I hope that these lessons from our adoptions have been useful to you.  If you or someone you know is considering this, we would be more than happy to help however we can.

What Not to Say to Adoptive Families

When Luke and I first decided to start the adoption process back in 2014, we figured we would be asked a lot of questions. I am happy to say that most of them have been well thought out, and respectful. However, those are not the subject of this post. I thought I would take this opportunity to tell you about the two most awkward questions that were asked and one poor remark that was made. Luke was the one who had to field most of these; I feel bad for him, but am frankly glad that I wasn’t the one put in such an uncomfortable spot. I hope you all enjoy a glimpse of the “what the heck, did that just happen?” moments of our world. We seem to have a lot of those.

1. “So, which one of you can't have kids?”

No, I'm not kidding, I wish I was. This inconsiderate question was asked by a co-worker shortly after we had just started the process to adopt Lexy. Now, there are two glaring problems with this question. The first is the assumption that we are only adopting because we can't have “our own” kids. It is the idea that adoption is the second best or used car option of the child world. As I have said in previous posts, there are so many reasons to adopt, and none of them have to do with being unable to have kids biologically.

The second obvious error in asking such a question is that such a topic is none of your business. Infertility can be such a hard and painful issue and chances are, if one is struggling with this, he or she is likely to not want to discuss it so casually, especially with a passing acquaintance like a co-worker. But again, this question still makes a wrong underlying assumption. It assumes that the reason for adoption is about me or that it is done or not done, to make me happy. Adoption is not about me; it is about the orphan.

2. “Yeah, because having kids is just so hard on the body, right?”

Now, this may be true, but again, it assumes that I am adopting for what I can get out of it or because it will make my life easier somehow. This conjecture isn't even accurate as often, from a purely selfish standpoint, adopting makes one's life harder. Once again, this question assumes the motive for adopting to be focused on my happiness with no thought given to the plight of so many orphans. This aside, it is just an awkward question that I still, after all these years, cannot fathom that somebody actually asked it as if it were the most normal and natural topic of conversation.

3. “Oh, she looks so much like you (Ashley), I thought she was your own.”

Now to be as fair to the person who said this, I know what they probably meant.  They most likely meant it in the "you didn't give birth to her sense"  Be that as it may, that was a poor choice of words.

that poor remark was said in Lexy’s hearing, I might add. Thankfully, she was engaged in the play area at the restaurant and was very preoccupied going down the slides. She was also much younger and was not as acutely listening to everything we say, like she does now.  Of course she is ours, as if adopting her made her illegitimate or only partially ours, like getting a book on loan from a library. I think of the three, this was the most frustrating to me because I was present and Lexy was in earshot.

Sometimes the audacity of people surprises me. I do not mind, in the least, considerate questions relating to adoption. It is a topic I love to talk about and I wish there were more conversations about it in general.I just wish people would be more considerate and thoughtful before words just come out of their mouth. :)

Adoption and the Gospel

It may be that some are wondering, especially after my last post, why are we still considering adoption?  Why are we enduring more potential heartache, stress, and financial burdens?  I hope in this post to give a solid answer to these questions.

However, this post will not make as much sense to you if you are not a Christian.  Even if that is the case, I would still ask and encourage you to read on and if you have any questions about what I say here, please get in contact with me or speak to another Christian you trust.  There is nothing more important!  Now, if you are a Christian, I hope you will take what I have to say to heart and consider how it can affect your life and witness for Christ.

There are many reasons for our decision to adopt, but I wanted to use this post to discuss the most important and relevant one to us as Christians.  We chose to adopt, in effect, because it is a literal picture of our faith, of what we believe, of the gospel itself.  You see, for a Christian, the gospel, or good news, is the central point of our faith. Everything hangs on this.  Adoption is a way for us to outwardly and vividly demonstrate this central point.  Allow me to outline why this is the case.

For anyone reading this who is not a Christian, I feel the only fair and obvious place for me to start is to define the gospel.  If you are a Christian, well, you can never be reminded of this beautiful truth enough.

There is one eternal God who created the world.  He is perfectly good.  He is also holy, which means He cannot tolerate wrong.  When He created the world, everything was perfect, including the first people.  Read Genesis chapters 1-3 and you will see how that fell apart by what Christians call “sin,” or doing what God had told us not to do.  Once the first people sinned, their nature was forever altered and so was the nature of every person to follow. Like a mutation in our DNA, the brokenness of sin was passed on to all their descendants, to all mankind. Its “in our genes,” so to speak.  Now, because of sin, all people are capable of every kind of evil.  Sin also had other consequences such as sickness, decay, and death.

I now possess that same marred nature.  It is a nature (attitude, perception, state of being) that goes against God, that is an enemy of Him, that hates Him.  My nature is this way because God is good and I, with my wrong nature, am not.  I cannot help but sin, or rebel against God and His law (and as the creator of all things, He has every right to have laws and say how His creation should run and work and be).  I am literally a slave to my sin, to my wrong nature.  I cannot fight against it, no matter how hard I try to “be good.”  I break the law of God on a daily, even hourly, basis.  Now, as I justly deserve punishment for breaking a law of my city or state, that truth is magnified thousands of times in regard to breaking the law of the Creator of the universe.  His determined punishment is separation from Him forever in a place called hell.

If you are not a Christian and you are still reading, thank you.  You may be wondering how this can be called good news. Well, if it stopped there, it most definitely would not be.  But you cannot realize something is good until you have first dealt with the bad.  God has made a way to deal with my wrong nature and with the guilt of all the wrong I have done while acting on that nature. It is in an incredible way that I would never have imagined on my own.  You see, He literally has given me a new nature!

He did this by sending His Son Jesus, who was fully God and yet also became fully man. He stood in my place and took upon Himself my sin and the sin of anyone who believes in Him.  Jesus was perfect in inward thought and outward behavior; His nature was aligned perfectly with God's.  God sent Jesus to take on himself the punishment for sin that is rightfully mine and yours.  When Jesus was killed 2000 years ago by crucifixion, it was not random or by chance.  This was God's purpose, (2 Corinthians 5:21).

Again, if my explanation ended here, this would still not be good news.  Jesus would be dead and our situation would not be any better.  Our nature would not change and death would still await all.  But Jesus came back to life after three days (as Christians celebrate every Easter).  Jesus overcame sin and its consequence, death, and those who believe in Him and what He did, can inherit Jesus's nature.  We (those who believe) also inherit His resurrection life; He will return, making all things right in this world, including ending sin and death.

So, I have been given a new heart, a new inner nature.  I am now, thanks only to Jesus, in a state of being that can love God and desire to follow Him.  I wasn't given this gift based on my own merits or worthiness or efforts.  God, seeing me while I was still a sinner, chose to love me (while I was not loving or seeking Him), but He chose to bring me into His kingdom and family. He chose to adopt me.  Adoption is an exact analogy used by the authors of the Bible to explain our new state as God's children through the gospel. (Ephesians 1:5-6 and Romans 8:15)

This point brings up an important question: are we all God’s children?  Many people assume that we are, since He created us.  But does that make us His children? When the Wright Brothers created the first airplane, we might figuratively, in a limited sense, call them the “fathers” of the airplane, but would we say that they gave birth to a son? Of course not! Making something is not the same thing as having a child. God made us, and that definitely makes us His creation, but what gives us the right to say that we are a child of a holy and perfect God? That is a pretty bold thing to just assume.

Does the Bible tell us that everyone is automatically God’s child?  The truth is, it does not. Here we need to be a little humble and realize that we do not have any special right to a relationship with God, or to any of the blessings that He can and does give us. We are not born God’s children automatically. John 1:11-13 tells us:

 

“He came to that which was His own, but His own did not receive Him.  Yet to all who did receive Him, to those who believed in His name, He gave the right to become children of God- children not born of natural descent, nor of human decision nor of a husband’s will, but born of God.”

Pay attention to what the verse says. He (that is Jesus), came to His own, which means that He came to us, to humanity, to the ones He had created.  But we didn’t know Him. Most people rejected Him. They refused to accept the Son of God the way He came. They wanted something different. But to those who did recognize Him, and who believed in Him and what He had done, He gave them the right to become God’s children.  If a child of God is something we become, then it seems clear that it is not something we already are. Even if we were good and pure, God does not owe us this right. We can be good, obedient, and loyal creations without ever becoming sons. But we are not even that! We are broken, sinful, and rebellious! Yet God has chosen, in His marvelous love, to make those who will repent and believe in Jesus Christ into something more than we could have dreamed! Without Christ, we can never be God’s child. Our hearts are so turned away from God and our very will is so set against Him, that we cannot even be good creations! But if we have come to truly realize and admit our need for a savior and if we are willing to surrender ourselves and our lives to Christ, then through what Christ has done for us, we can become a child of God!

When Luke and I decide to adopt, we don't go looking for a child that is “lovable.” We don't seek to try and find the most beautiful child or the most talented or the most well behaved.  We choose to love a child, whatever their background and personality; it is an act of the will, a choice, not driven or led by emotion or lack thereof, and not rooted in something more especially deserving in this child than in so many others whom we have not adopted.  This is such a picture of what God has done for us in Christ.  We are the orphan, who have no idea that there is something far better than what we already have or that there is another entirely different way to live.  For that matter, we don't even realize what we are lacking by not being in God's family.  We would be content to go on living in our sin, with all its consequences.  We are not just indifferent toward God, we are enemies.  God chose to love me, even when I was in this state of warfare with Him.

Let's look at this from another angle.  When a child is adopted, the child can’t go looking for the family on his own. He isn’t able to buy the family’s acceptance. He has no great gift or skill to offer them.  The family desiring to adopt comes and finds him wherever he is.  That family seeks him out and offers him stability, belonging, support and love; he becomes a true part of that family. On his own he was an orphan, but through the decision of a family that was not his own, he has now become a son. His status has been raised significantly. He did not earn it. He could not demand it. The family did not have to do it! They could have adopted someone else, or no one at all! Yet, they choose to love a child that is not their own, and to invite him or her into their family, and to allow him to become their own child. In this way, the orphan who had no one and belonged nowhere now has a family, a home, someone to support him, and a place that he belongs.

This is what happens to us if we repent of our sin and believe in Jesus Christ. We are no longer a slave to our sinful self, but we become a legitimate child of God through Christ. Though we were criminals against God’s law with cold and disobedient hearts from birth that refused to love and obey God, and though we lived and acted every day as slaves to sin and disobedience and were owned by our selfish desires and evil actions, God chose to love us anyway, and to adopt as His own sons and daughters those who believe in Jesus Christ and accept that He is their master. Jesus takes away our guilt under God’s law, and God gives us the heart of an obedient Son, the very Spirit of Jesus Christ within us! Having bought us from our master, Sin, He does more than simply make us His own slaves. Instead, He chooses to adopt us as His children! We no longer have to live in fear, we are no longer slaves of a cruel master, but children of a loving God!  This is what the Bible is explaining in Galatians 4:4-7:

“But when the completion of the time came, God sent His Son, born of a woman, born under the law, to redeem those under the law, so that we might receive adoption as sons. And because you are sons, God has sent the Spirit of His Son into our hearts, crying, ‘Abba, Father!’ So you are no longer a slave, but a son; and if a son, then an heir through God.”

Luke and I are trying, although very imperfectly, to be a model of the love of God in the lives of our children.  We want them to see the gospel lived out in our lives, in every way we can.  Adoption is a way for us to show them, and the people around us, a small picture of what the gospel looks like.  Just as I am so happy that Lexy and Jon have been adopted into our family, I desire even more for them to know the one who created them.  Our kids know that they have been adopted by us (as they grow older, they will come to understand more what this means), and I am hoping that, as they come to understand their earthly adoption, they will one day come to understand what heavenly, spiritual adoption means.  I pray this for everyone who reads this!