Reflections on Grief and its Place in the Christian Life

When I am dealing with or trying to process hard emotions or thoughts, I have found that writing really is an aid to me in this endeavor So when I learned of the death of a dear, believing family friend, and as I have also been thinking of many christian friends who are dealing with their own losses ,my first impulse was to sit down and write. It has been a week; I have found that this has been much harder to write on than I expected. I think that we could all agree that our society in general doesn’t like to talk about or really deal with grieving. But sadly, I think this could be said of many Christians as well. This caused me to think about a lot of questions regarding the place true grief has in a Christian’s life.

How should I, as a Christian, feel about death? How should I see it? What feelings am I allowed to have about it? Is it okay to grieve, even if the person gone was a believer? Does our hope in the resurrection negate or keep us from truly grieving? Are we downplaying the amazing hope of the gospel if we are literally mourning?

I think these are questions we shouldn’t be afraid to think about and discuss with each other. There seems to be this idea that goes something like this. Since we know, as believers in Christ, that He at the end of all things overcomes death and sin, that this understanding should cause us to grieve less. Or at the very least, it should make our grieving less painful. Some might even venture to say that we shouldn’t really be all that sad, since, if the person we lost was a believer, then they are with the Lord and we will see them again in eternity. And besides, they are much happier anyway. Yes, those are absolutely beautiful and wonderful truths and we should cling to them. They should give us hope and an anchor for our souls but I don’t believe, and don’t see from a biblical standpoint, that this disqualifies us from feeling and experiencing our grief. I also don’t see that the comfort we have in Christ puts a time limit on our grief either. In other words, it’s been 6 months, your trust in Christ and the resurrection means you should be moving on by now. I think sometimes, as Christians, if others see us truly mourning, we are afraid that this will somehow dampen our witness for Christ.

As I read through 1 Corinthians 15, I am always struck by the beautiful words of comfort. As believers in the finished work of Christ, we know our weak, decaying bodies will be replaced by glorified ones:

1 Corinthians 15: 42-45, NASB

42 So also is the resurrection of the dead. It is sown a perishable body, it is raised an imperishable body; 43 it is sown in dishonor, it is raised in glory; it is sown in weakness, it is raised in power; 44 it is sown a natural body, it is raised a spiritual body. If there is a natural body, there is also a spiritual body.

This is definitely something we should find joy and comfort in, but when will this happen? Paul tells us a few verses later:

1 Corinthians 15: 51-57 NASB

51 Behold, I tell you a mystery; we will not all sleep, but we will all be changed, 52 in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet; for the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed. 53 For this perishable must put on the imperishable, and this mortal must put on immortality. 54 But when this perishable will have put on the imperishable, and this mortal will have put on immortality, then will come about the saying that is written, “Death is swallowed up in victory. 55 O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?” 56 The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law; 57 but thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

When will this happen? Later, in the future, whether soon or much later, we don’t know. But death is not yet defeated, at least, in our current experience. Death has taken someone from us and it shouldn’t be this way. Death, for the believer, will ultimately be crushed and we know that for certain. But right now, when we are dealing with the loss of someone we dearly loved, we are not seeing that victory firsthand. We are not yet in eternity with that person and our Lord. We are still missing that person, the sound of their voice, their affection or the ways they could make us laugh. We don’t have those things right now. We are still waiting for that ultimate victory to come and praise God that it will!

But in the meantime, while we wait, we can and should grieve. In fact, Paul in the letter to the church at Rome, acknowledges that mourning will happen. This is after he has spent the first 11 chapters outlining the wonderful and amazing truth of the gospel. Chapter 12 is a sort of “now what?” moment, now that I know all this, what do I do with it? How do I live out this faith with one another? Romans 12:15 (NASB) Paul says “Rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn.”

Notice Paul doesn’t say try and convince your fellow Christians not to mourn or limit your mourning etc. No, he simply says to grieve with those who are hurting. Mourning is not wrong and it does not undermine God and His work. It is a part of this world, that is still in sin. We can grieve while we eagerly await with joy the fulfillment of Christ’s promises. But this joy and eagerness do not need to compete with our grief.

One last example, again from Paul’s letters:

1 Thessalonians 4: 13-18 NASB

13 But we do not want you to be uninformed, brethren, about those who are asleep, so that you will not grieve as do the rest who have no hope. 14 For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so God will bring with Him those who have fallen asleep in Jesus. 15 For this we say to you by the word of the Lord, that we who are alive and remain until the coming of the Lord, will not precede those who have fallen asleep. 16 For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. 17 Then we who are alive and remain will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we shall always be with the Lord. 18 Therefore comfort one another with these words.

Notice Paul doesn’t say so that you will not grieve. He doesn’t end the sentence there. He qualifies it, saying so that you will not grieve like the rest who have no hope. Yes, we will still grieve, but with hope, but still with grief. One doesn’t negate or exclude the other.

I don’t think, myself included, we know how to mourn and lament anymore. We don’t know how to express and face our sadness. We want to do things to make it go away faster like eating or going on expensive trips etc. We want to rush through our grief as fast as we can. As believers, we shouldn’t be afraid or ashamed to bring our grief to God and to each other. Read the Psalms or Job. Let’s reclaim the rite of grieving, while we also rejoice in the hope of Christ and His resurrection!

A Lesson About Motherhood From Bike Riding

It is so strange sometimes how a simple, everyday family activity will cause me to think about deeper issues of my motherhood experience.  Today, the kids spent a couple hours riding their bikes around the parking lot.  In case anyone is concerned, my husband Luke, who is sighted, directed them and watched out for vehicles.  As I watched them work on their speed and balance, I began to think and as I find I so often do, I am now turning those thoughts into writing.  I hope they may be of some value to you.

I felt a bit of sadness in that I can't be the one to really, safely and effectively, oversee their bike riding attempts.  Vision is a very essential ability to possess in this endeavor, as there is a constant concern about cars or running into poles or parked vehicles.  I wondered if they were missing out because they can only ride their bikes when Luke is able to do this.  It felt unfair to them.
I then began to think about the summer, when our apartment complex pool opens up.  I realized that, as they are both still learning how to swim, I just don't feel safe taking both out to the pool by myself, at the same time. I am going to have to do a rotation, one day with Lexy and the other with Jon.  I felt like they would be missing out, not getting to play together in the water.  I wished I could give them that experience.  I wondered what other things they would not get to do, as fully or in the best ideal, because their mother can't see.

But then, I realized a couple things.  First, that every mother wonders this.  Every mother wonders if there is more she could or should be doing, if she should be doing everything completely different, if she is doing right by her kids, etc.  If it's not sight, then it's meals or screen time or sleep overs or... Well, you get the idea.  This train of thought isn't just only a blind mother thing.

Then, I finally started to really pay attention to what was happening after each child would finish their lap.  When Jon would come back from his, he would hang out with me, while Lexy went with Luke for her turn.  Jon would excitedly tell me what he had done on his turn, how fast he went and what silly games Luke played with him to encourage him to go even faster.  We would play a silly game we came up with, where he would drum on the handle bars and I would try to stop him by pushing his hands off.  He would laugh and ask to keep playing.
When it was Jon's turn, and Lexy was with me, she and I would talk about how excited she was to have a bike.  She would sit in my lap.  She would ring her bike bell and then tell me what "bike was saying."  She asked me if it was going to be sunny tomorrow and if we could have "swing time.", where I push her in the porch swing and we talk and/or pretend.

My lack of vision isn't stopping them and I from having fun experiences together. It may, by necessity, cause those activities to be one thing instead of another, but the experiences of mother and child are still happening.  We are still connecting and growing together.  We are still learning.  Attachment and trust are still being shaped.  This is true no matter what factor you may feel limits you as a mother.  This is such a freeing and beautiful thing to realize.  I am very glad I did and I hope you will also.

Adaptive Technology

I am often asked how do I use this or that piece of technology. So to simplify things, I figured I’d write some about the adaptive technology I use everyday. Now, I am out of the loop on the latest that is out there; when you have to pay for things yourself, it tends to make one less exuberant to always be on top of the trend. So I will talk about what I use and any of my friends feel free to include what they use that I may have overlooked or been unaware of.

Let’s start with the computer and smart phone, as I would say those are the most two common devices I am asked about. For both, the answer is very similar. There are apps that can be downloaded that will convert text on the computer or phone screen into spoken speech. I can then, using various keyboard or gesture commands, interact with what I’m hearing. So, with these awesome programs for which I am very thankful, I can read email, write documents, make spreadsheets, browse the internet or send text messages. As to phones, I sometimes make use of Google’s voice recognition for texting, but I find this usually more annoying than helpful. It often gets words incorrect and I find it is so much easier to just type out the text using my wireless keyboard.

Now let’s take printed material, like mail. Now my usual fix for this is just to ask Luke :) but there are apps that have been developed for phones, that can take a picture of the document, using the phone’s camera and then the picture can be recognized and the text read aloud. It really is quite incredible. I don’t utilize this myself, as honestly, what printed material I do have to work through can be done with Luke’s help just as quickly and easily. But for those who don’t have a sighted family member nearby, these apps are amazing things! As of yet, I’m not familiar with anything that can recognize handwritten text, which given the variety and styles of handwriting makes sense. The technology has come a long way in this area though; I remember using a stand-alone, large and bulky machine that scanned a page at a time and then would read it aloud, after a bit of processing time per page. Then, it was shaved down to the computer and its scanner and now it’s in the phone. That technology is becoming smaller and more accurate and it is exciting.

Now, let’s go to something a bit more mundane, household appliances. There are a few ways to do this. I have a braille labeler, which I can use to type out braille labels that can then be taped on the spot on the screen, buttons or dials etc. Or, I can use the lazier method, and put pieces of tape on the appropriate spot. This is how I have my oven, microwave and washer/drier labeled and it gets the job done. Not everything has to be high tech. :)

I suppose the last one to tackle is driving. I usually get rides from my husband :) or uber. There is also the bus system but that usually takes much longer to get anywhere that way. I am excited to see if self-driving cars will take off, no pun intended there :). While I’m a bit nervous about the concept, it would also mean so much freedom for me and so many others. It would be quite an experience, that’s for sure.

Well, I hope this has given you an interesting look into my world and how I get things done. I am so glad to have been born in the late 20^th century, when so many technological breakthroughs have been happening. That is something I never want to take for granted.