Reflections on Grief and its Place in the Christian Life

When I am dealing with or trying to process hard emotions or thoughts, I have found that writing really is an aid to me in this endeavor So when I learned of the death of a dear, believing family friend, and as I have also been thinking of many christian friends who are dealing with their own losses ,my first impulse was to sit down and write. It has been a week; I have found that this has been much harder to write on than I expected. I think that we could all agree that our society in general doesn’t like to talk about or really deal with grieving. But sadly, I think this could be said of many Christians as well. This caused me to think about a lot of questions regarding the place true grief has in a Christian’s life.

How should I, as a Christian, feel about death? How should I see it? What feelings am I allowed to have about it? Is it okay to grieve, even if the person gone was a believer? Does our hope in the resurrection negate or keep us from truly grieving? Are we downplaying the amazing hope of the gospel if we are literally mourning?

I think these are questions we shouldn’t be afraid to think about and discuss with each other. There seems to be this idea that goes something like this. Since we know, as believers in Christ, that He at the end of all things overcomes death and sin, that this understanding should cause us to grieve less. Or at the very least, it should make our grieving less painful. Some might even venture to say that we shouldn’t really be all that sad, since, if the person we lost was a believer, then they are with the Lord and we will see them again in eternity. And besides, they are much happier anyway. Yes, those are absolutely beautiful and wonderful truths and we should cling to them. They should give us hope and an anchor for our souls but I don’t believe, and don’t see from a biblical standpoint, that this disqualifies us from feeling and experiencing our grief. I also don’t see that the comfort we have in Christ puts a time limit on our grief either. In other words, it’s been 6 months, your trust in Christ and the resurrection means you should be moving on by now. I think sometimes, as Christians, if others see us truly mourning, we are afraid that this will somehow dampen our witness for Christ.

As I read through 1 Corinthians 15, I am always struck by the beautiful words of comfort. As believers in the finished work of Christ, we know our weak, decaying bodies will be replaced by glorified ones:

1 Corinthians 15: 42-45, NASB

42 So also is the resurrection of the dead. It is sown a perishable body, it is raised an imperishable body; 43 it is sown in dishonor, it is raised in glory; it is sown in weakness, it is raised in power; 44 it is sown a natural body, it is raised a spiritual body. If there is a natural body, there is also a spiritual body.

This is definitely something we should find joy and comfort in, but when will this happen? Paul tells us a few verses later:

1 Corinthians 15: 51-57 NASB

51 Behold, I tell you a mystery; we will not all sleep, but we will all be changed, 52 in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet; for the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed. 53 For this perishable must put on the imperishable, and this mortal must put on immortality. 54 But when this perishable will have put on the imperishable, and this mortal will have put on immortality, then will come about the saying that is written, “Death is swallowed up in victory. 55 O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?” 56 The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law; 57 but thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

When will this happen? Later, in the future, whether soon or much later, we don’t know. But death is not yet defeated, at least, in our current experience. Death has taken someone from us and it shouldn’t be this way. Death, for the believer, will ultimately be crushed and we know that for certain. But right now, when we are dealing with the loss of someone we dearly loved, we are not seeing that victory firsthand. We are not yet in eternity with that person and our Lord. We are still missing that person, the sound of their voice, their affection or the ways they could make us laugh. We don’t have those things right now. We are still waiting for that ultimate victory to come and praise God that it will!

But in the meantime, while we wait, we can and should grieve. In fact, Paul in the letter to the church at Rome, acknowledges that mourning will happen. This is after he has spent the first 11 chapters outlining the wonderful and amazing truth of the gospel. Chapter 12 is a sort of “now what?” moment, now that I know all this, what do I do with it? How do I live out this faith with one another? Romans 12:15 (NASB) Paul says “Rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn.”

Notice Paul doesn’t say try and convince your fellow Christians not to mourn or limit your mourning etc. No, he simply says to grieve with those who are hurting. Mourning is not wrong and it does not undermine God and His work. It is a part of this world, that is still in sin. We can grieve while we eagerly await with joy the fulfillment of Christ’s promises. But this joy and eagerness do not need to compete with our grief.

One last example, again from Paul’s letters:

1 Thessalonians 4: 13-18 NASB

13 But we do not want you to be uninformed, brethren, about those who are asleep, so that you will not grieve as do the rest who have no hope. 14 For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so God will bring with Him those who have fallen asleep in Jesus. 15 For this we say to you by the word of the Lord, that we who are alive and remain until the coming of the Lord, will not precede those who have fallen asleep. 16 For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. 17 Then we who are alive and remain will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we shall always be with the Lord. 18 Therefore comfort one another with these words.

Notice Paul doesn’t say so that you will not grieve. He doesn’t end the sentence there. He qualifies it, saying so that you will not grieve like the rest who have no hope. Yes, we will still grieve, but with hope, but still with grief. One doesn’t negate or exclude the other.

I don’t think, myself included, we know how to mourn and lament anymore. We don’t know how to express and face our sadness. We want to do things to make it go away faster like eating or going on expensive trips etc. We want to rush through our grief as fast as we can. As believers, we shouldn’t be afraid or ashamed to bring our grief to God and to each other. Read the Psalms or Job. Let’s reclaim the rite of grieving, while we also rejoice in the hope of Christ and His resurrection!

Two Sorrow Filled Letters

***Author’s note:

I struggled with whether or not I would even right this. The topic of abortion is always on my mind, but after what was being celebrated in New York recently, I knew I couldn’t keep silent anymore. So many have written much about all this and with words more eloquent and meaningful than mine. I decided to write these letters for two reasons. First, as is often the case for me, writing is a way for me to process my thoughts and emotions. The second reason is simply that this bothers me so much, I would be going against my own conscience not to write.

I have two questions, for all those who support abortion (and let’s all be adults here and not use soft, vague euphemistic terms), shall we? Let’s call it what it actually is, murder. First, using accurate words and descriptions, could you tell your own child, niece or nephew or student, about what you support? Could you tell them, in vivid accurate detail, what is done to the child? Could you tell them why it is done, not omitting the more selfish reasons like simply not wanting a child right now or not wanting one’s body shape to change? What would you answer if they looked at you and asked “Would you have done that to me?” Do you really think that they will feel any safer about the world simply because you or their parent chose, in this particular case, to let them live? Aren’t they lucky! Their brother or sister or friend’s sibling, might not be so lucky.

Second, why is at birth the cut off point? Why not after birth? What’s the difference? Why is that child’s life suddenly and mysteriously now valued, once they’ve come through the birth canal? If there ever comes a point where it’s decided that life can be ended up to some arbitrary time after birth, what’s to keep that time from growing? One day, one week, one month, one year, 5 years? Longer? Why stop at children?

End Author’s Note***

To The Unborn:

As a mother, it grieves and pains me that I even have to write this letter. I am so very sorry. Those words sound so shallow and useless and in the face of what is and has been happening for such a long time, I suppose that really is what they are. It truly sickens me that I have to say these things and stumble over my words, trying to find a way to apologize for how many of your lives, have been and are being, brutally cut short. And how can one, in any meaningful way, ever apologize for such an insane act of violence?

I am sorry! I am sorry that you are not valued. I am sorry that you are not seen as the blessing you truly are. I am sorry that you are not wanted, desired or deemed worthy of overcoming what difficulties might arise from your birth. I’m sorry that we, as a society, put our convenience, comfort and needs above yours.

I am sorry that your lives are ended due to the circumstances of your coming into being, your gender, race or medical diagnosis. I am sorry that your lives are ended, even when there are families who would love nothing more than to adopt you and make you a part of theirs. I am sorry that your lives are seen as expendable and not worth protecting. I am sorry that we, as a society, value puppies and kittens much more than we value you. I am so sorry that there are many who celebrate the end of your lives, as a freedom and choice of others to make. I am sorry that your mothers are not valued enough to be told the truth, that being your mother is the most beautiful and incredible and empowering gift they could be given! I am sorry that, while your mother’s womb should be the safest place you could be, it has become, for many of you, a place where your life was ended in methods more brutal than we would tolerate for animals.

I am trying. I want you to know that I will never stop fighting for you. Through my written words and what I say, I will do my best to make people acknowledge you and what is being done to so many of you. I will adopt as many as I and my family are able. I will not forget you. I will mourn for you, while many celebrate your deaths. I will mourn for the person you should have gotten the chance to be. I pray that God will break our hearts for what we are doing. He alone can forgive and restore us.

With grate sadness,

A grieving Mother

To Jon and Lexy:

My two wonderful children, I wish I didn’t have to write this letter to you. I pray that perhaps a day will come when what I say here will no longer be true in America, the place which we brought you, so that you could be a part of our family. I wish you would never have to learn what the word abortion means. Lexy, when you first heard of a miscarriage and came to understand what that meant, you were rightly, so sad. I hate that one day, probably all to soon, you will learn that many babies are killed on purpose.

I hate so much that you will learn that mothers and fathers, who should be doing everything in their power to keep their babies safe, are more often than not the ones who decide to end the life of their child. You will soon learn that there are doctors, who instead of helping people feel better, inflict severe pain on babies before ending their lives and cause much fear and discomfort to their mothers. You will soon see that so many people rejoice over these things. I’m so sorry that you have to grow up in a place where this is seen as liberating, open-minded and empowering for women. I am so sorry that you have to grow up in a place where life is not treasured and given the dignity it deserves. I wish you didn’t live in a country where we so regularly discard the most vulnerable members.

I want you both to know that this is not okay! This is not how God designed things to be! I want you to know that your father and I, and so many others, are not accepting this as normal. Just as your lives matter, so do the lives of all children and their parents. Both children and their parents, deserve so much more than these lies!

Jon and Lexy, we are doing all that we can. Now you may understand another reason why we are always talking about adoption. It is a way that we can do something to combat all this. I am so overjoyed that, in spite of their difficulties, your birth mothers didn’t listen to the lie. I’m so glad they chose to let you live; we would have been robbed of something so precious if they hadn’t.

I love you both so much! I pray that when you grow up, you will be champions of life. I pray that you will find ways to support and strengthen mothers, fathers and their children. I pray that you will value all life, as we are all created in God’s image. I will be there, right alongside you in this endeavor.

With Much Love,

Your Mother

Adoption and the Gospel

It may be that some are wondering, especially after my last post, why are we still considering adoption?  Why are we enduring more potential heartache, stress, and financial burdens?  I hope in this post to give a solid answer to these questions.

However, this post will not make as much sense to you if you are not a Christian.  Even if that is the case, I would still ask and encourage you to read on and if you have any questions about what I say here, please get in contact with me or speak to another Christian you trust.  There is nothing more important!  Now, if you are a Christian, I hope you will take what I have to say to heart and consider how it can affect your life and witness for Christ.

There are many reasons for our decision to adopt, but I wanted to use this post to discuss the most important and relevant one to us as Christians.  We chose to adopt, in effect, because it is a literal picture of our faith, of what we believe, of the gospel itself.  You see, for a Christian, the gospel, or good news, is the central point of our faith. Everything hangs on this.  Adoption is a way for us to outwardly and vividly demonstrate this central point.  Allow me to outline why this is the case.

For anyone reading this who is not a Christian, I feel the only fair and obvious place for me to start is to define the gospel.  If you are a Christian, well, you can never be reminded of this beautiful truth enough.

There is one eternal God who created the world.  He is perfectly good.  He is also holy, which means He cannot tolerate wrong.  When He created the world, everything was perfect, including the first people.  Read Genesis chapters 1-3 and you will see how that fell apart by what Christians call “sin,” or doing what God had told us not to do.  Once the first people sinned, their nature was forever altered and so was the nature of every person to follow. Like a mutation in our DNA, the brokenness of sin was passed on to all their descendants, to all mankind. Its “in our genes,” so to speak.  Now, because of sin, all people are capable of every kind of evil.  Sin also had other consequences such as sickness, decay, and death.

I now possess that same marred nature.  It is a nature (attitude, perception, state of being) that goes against God, that is an enemy of Him, that hates Him.  My nature is this way because God is good and I, with my wrong nature, am not.  I cannot help but sin, or rebel against God and His law (and as the creator of all things, He has every right to have laws and say how His creation should run and work and be).  I am literally a slave to my sin, to my wrong nature.  I cannot fight against it, no matter how hard I try to “be good.”  I break the law of God on a daily, even hourly, basis.  Now, as I justly deserve punishment for breaking a law of my city or state, that truth is magnified thousands of times in regard to breaking the law of the Creator of the universe.  His determined punishment is separation from Him forever in a place called hell.

If you are not a Christian and you are still reading, thank you.  You may be wondering how this can be called good news. Well, if it stopped there, it most definitely would not be.  But you cannot realize something is good until you have first dealt with the bad.  God has made a way to deal with my wrong nature and with the guilt of all the wrong I have done while acting on that nature. It is in an incredible way that I would never have imagined on my own.  You see, He literally has given me a new nature!

He did this by sending His Son Jesus, who was fully God and yet also became fully man. He stood in my place and took upon Himself my sin and the sin of anyone who believes in Him.  Jesus was perfect in inward thought and outward behavior; His nature was aligned perfectly with God's.  God sent Jesus to take on himself the punishment for sin that is rightfully mine and yours.  When Jesus was killed 2000 years ago by crucifixion, it was not random or by chance.  This was God's purpose, (2 Corinthians 5:21).

Again, if my explanation ended here, this would still not be good news.  Jesus would be dead and our situation would not be any better.  Our nature would not change and death would still await all.  But Jesus came back to life after three days (as Christians celebrate every Easter).  Jesus overcame sin and its consequence, death, and those who believe in Him and what He did, can inherit Jesus's nature.  We (those who believe) also inherit His resurrection life; He will return, making all things right in this world, including ending sin and death.

So, I have been given a new heart, a new inner nature.  I am now, thanks only to Jesus, in a state of being that can love God and desire to follow Him.  I wasn't given this gift based on my own merits or worthiness or efforts.  God, seeing me while I was still a sinner, chose to love me (while I was not loving or seeking Him), but He chose to bring me into His kingdom and family. He chose to adopt me.  Adoption is an exact analogy used by the authors of the Bible to explain our new state as God's children through the gospel. (Ephesians 1:5-6 and Romans 8:15)

This point brings up an important question: are we all God’s children?  Many people assume that we are, since He created us.  But does that make us His children? When the Wright Brothers created the first airplane, we might figuratively, in a limited sense, call them the “fathers” of the airplane, but would we say that they gave birth to a son? Of course not! Making something is not the same thing as having a child. God made us, and that definitely makes us His creation, but what gives us the right to say that we are a child of a holy and perfect God? That is a pretty bold thing to just assume.

Does the Bible tell us that everyone is automatically God’s child?  The truth is, it does not. Here we need to be a little humble and realize that we do not have any special right to a relationship with God, or to any of the blessings that He can and does give us. We are not born God’s children automatically. John 1:11-13 tells us:

 

“He came to that which was His own, but His own did not receive Him.  Yet to all who did receive Him, to those who believed in His name, He gave the right to become children of God- children not born of natural descent, nor of human decision nor of a husband’s will, but born of God.”

Pay attention to what the verse says. He (that is Jesus), came to His own, which means that He came to us, to humanity, to the ones He had created.  But we didn’t know Him. Most people rejected Him. They refused to accept the Son of God the way He came. They wanted something different. But to those who did recognize Him, and who believed in Him and what He had done, He gave them the right to become God’s children.  If a child of God is something we become, then it seems clear that it is not something we already are. Even if we were good and pure, God does not owe us this right. We can be good, obedient, and loyal creations without ever becoming sons. But we are not even that! We are broken, sinful, and rebellious! Yet God has chosen, in His marvelous love, to make those who will repent and believe in Jesus Christ into something more than we could have dreamed! Without Christ, we can never be God’s child. Our hearts are so turned away from God and our very will is so set against Him, that we cannot even be good creations! But if we have come to truly realize and admit our need for a savior and if we are willing to surrender ourselves and our lives to Christ, then through what Christ has done for us, we can become a child of God!

When Luke and I decide to adopt, we don't go looking for a child that is “lovable.” We don't seek to try and find the most beautiful child or the most talented or the most well behaved.  We choose to love a child, whatever their background and personality; it is an act of the will, a choice, not driven or led by emotion or lack thereof, and not rooted in something more especially deserving in this child than in so many others whom we have not adopted.  This is such a picture of what God has done for us in Christ.  We are the orphan, who have no idea that there is something far better than what we already have or that there is another entirely different way to live.  For that matter, we don't even realize what we are lacking by not being in God's family.  We would be content to go on living in our sin, with all its consequences.  We are not just indifferent toward God, we are enemies.  God chose to love me, even when I was in this state of warfare with Him.

Let's look at this from another angle.  When a child is adopted, the child can’t go looking for the family on his own. He isn’t able to buy the family’s acceptance. He has no great gift or skill to offer them.  The family desiring to adopt comes and finds him wherever he is.  That family seeks him out and offers him stability, belonging, support and love; he becomes a true part of that family. On his own he was an orphan, but through the decision of a family that was not his own, he has now become a son. His status has been raised significantly. He did not earn it. He could not demand it. The family did not have to do it! They could have adopted someone else, or no one at all! Yet, they choose to love a child that is not their own, and to invite him or her into their family, and to allow him to become their own child. In this way, the orphan who had no one and belonged nowhere now has a family, a home, someone to support him, and a place that he belongs.

This is what happens to us if we repent of our sin and believe in Jesus Christ. We are no longer a slave to our sinful self, but we become a legitimate child of God through Christ. Though we were criminals against God’s law with cold and disobedient hearts from birth that refused to love and obey God, and though we lived and acted every day as slaves to sin and disobedience and were owned by our selfish desires and evil actions, God chose to love us anyway, and to adopt as His own sons and daughters those who believe in Jesus Christ and accept that He is their master. Jesus takes away our guilt under God’s law, and God gives us the heart of an obedient Son, the very Spirit of Jesus Christ within us! Having bought us from our master, Sin, He does more than simply make us His own slaves. Instead, He chooses to adopt us as His children! We no longer have to live in fear, we are no longer slaves of a cruel master, but children of a loving God!  This is what the Bible is explaining in Galatians 4:4-7:

“But when the completion of the time came, God sent His Son, born of a woman, born under the law, to redeem those under the law, so that we might receive adoption as sons. And because you are sons, God has sent the Spirit of His Son into our hearts, crying, ‘Abba, Father!’ So you are no longer a slave, but a son; and if a son, then an heir through God.”

Luke and I are trying, although very imperfectly, to be a model of the love of God in the lives of our children.  We want them to see the gospel lived out in our lives, in every way we can.  Adoption is a way for us to show them, and the people around us, a small picture of what the gospel looks like.  Just as I am so happy that Lexy and Jon have been adopted into our family, I desire even more for them to know the one who created them.  Our kids know that they have been adopted by us (as they grow older, they will come to understand more what this means), and I am hoping that, as they come to understand their earthly adoption, they will one day come to understand what heavenly, spiritual adoption means.  I pray this for everyone who reads this!