Part Two: Things to Consider if pursuing an International Adoption

This is the second part of the post titled “Things to Consider if Pursuing an International Adoption.”  If you missed the first part, you can read it HERE. I'd like to share three more factors to be aware of when considering an international adoption; I hope they will be helpful to you.

1. Expect to be given little medical information about the child.

I am speaking here of simple medical information that we take for granted.  I can't count the number of times when taking Lexy or Jon to the doctor, how often we would be asked things like what medications they are allergic to, what their overall medical history is or their family medical history.  When we say that we do not know, due to their adoption circumstances, my favorite response is “well, didn't you ask those questions?”  We answer this by calmly explaining that yes, of course we asked, but we are given little information in general and there is questionable accuracy as to the few details we were given.

However, if you will allow me a moment of sarcasm, what I want to say is something like...  “Oh of course, how could we be so forgetful?  The mother who left our daughter at the hospital soon after she was born, invited us over for dinner before we left the country.  She gave us a detailed background on her medical history and that of extended family.  And as for our son, when they left him at the orphanage nine years ago, they wrote up a detailed report before they left.”  Thank you for indulging my sarcasm.  As you have gathered, these are the type of questions that you unfortunately rarely have the answers to.  Often the profiles you receive are vague regarding medical history and birth families, and what is written there may not even be accurate.  This conversation usually happens to us every time we take our kids to urgent care or to a specialist; we are met with perplexed looks or sometimes condescending glares.  Sadly, a lot of medical issues you have to find out on your own, once your child is home.  It can be a bit overwhelming at first, but finding a good primary care physician (which I am happy to say we finally have) can make a huge difference.

2. Jet lag is a force to be reckoned with but don't let it stop you from experiencing the country.

Seriously, jet lag is an insane entity all its own.  We had no idea what we were dealing with.  When we traveled to meet Lexy, for example, we were allowed to see her each morning through the early afternoon.  We would be dropped off at our hotel around 3 pm. And for the next 5 hours, everything we would do was designed to keep us awake.  All we wanted to do was sleep, but if we went to bed that early, it would be even more terrible.

So we walked around the town, stopped at shops and ate way too much incredible food.  I'm sorry America, but we just don't know how to make chocolate here.  My mouth is watering just thinking about that country's chocolate, not to mention cheese.  We thought though that as the week went on we would grow accustomed to the 9 hour time difference, no such luck.  As we flew back to the states at the end of the week, we had a long layover in Philadelphia. After killing time fruitlessly trying to find an authentic Philly cheese steak place in the airport; we just went and found a quiet corner to take a nap.  I used my purse as a pillow.  While under normal circumstances this might seem like a reasonable idea, these were hardly normal.  I was so unspeakably tired that I forgot the bag in question contained a large cheese that some friends had given us before we left the country.  I vaguely remember wondering as I dozed off why the bag was so soft and comfortable...  Needless to say, the cheese was rather misshapen when I awoke.  I had really been looking forward to eating it, not to mention sharing it with all my friends.  But as tired as we were, I am so glad we still made ourselves get out and see where we were.  I would encourage everyone to do the same and if you are traveling to a country in Europe, buy as much chocolate in local shops (not the airport) as you can carry.

3. According to the files and orphanage staff, every child is just perfect

Allow me to clarify here.  There seems to be a pattern, whether you are reading an adoption profile on a website or in the country speaking with the orphanage staff, that every child in question eats fine, sleeps perfectly throughout the night, never gets upset and is just a wonderful specimen of a human being.  We found this to be true with both Jon and Lexy's caretakers.  I imagine the main reason for this is the fear that if truthful, negative information is given, the couple will change their minds.  It makes me so sad every time. I wish they would believe us that we have no intention of backing out.  However, it really would be so helpful to know the true character or issues that our child might have. It could only help us be better parents.  Sadly, just like with the medical information mentioned above, you get the fun of discovering all your child's behaviors and issues firsthand.  But I suppose that is pretty typical of parenting; you don't get a detailed manual about the child before they are born either.

I hope that these lessons from our adoptions have been useful to you.  If you or someone you know is considering this, we would be more than happy to help however we can.

Things to Consider If Pursuing an International Adoption

There are so many things to consider when beginning the international adoption journey. I think even making the decision itself to start researching can be an effort and already feel like quite a feat. Since we are on our third international adoption, I thought I would share three points that I hope will be helpful to anyone considering this amazing and terrifying undertaking. There will be more of these types of posts to come, but I was very sure all of you would not want to read all 10 or so of my considerations all at once.

1- Seek out any friends (or even friends of friends) who would be willing to talk with you about their experiences.

When Luke and I finally after months of paperwork, worrying over funding and feeling like the call would never come, were at last given our travel dates to go meet Lexy. We were ecstatic and also frightened out of our minds. We had absolutely no idea even remotely what to expect. We felt like we had just made it out of a huge pit, only to be now thrown into another, even deeper one. By God's providence, we were connected with a family (friend of a friend type situation) who had recently adopted their first son from the same country. Nicole and Jeremy are now some of our dearest friends and they are in the process of adopting their fourth child.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. So, we were put in touch with this family we had never met who had previously adopted from the same nation where Luke and I would soon be traveling. I hesitantly called Nicole, honestly not sure how awkward or short this conversation was going to be. Nicole was nothing but gracious and forthcoming, and we soon were having dinner with them. She is an amazing cook, so the food was great, but what was more important was the conversation. It helped more than I can even express to be able to talk with someone who had been to the country and could give us a basic idea of what to expect. Perhaps even more important than the practical, logistical points was that they were willing to share how they felt and thought as they met and then later brought their son home. It helped us later, as we struggled with similar fears and feelings. It made the pit seem much less deep. There are also many forums and email lists out there dealing with international adoption. While interpersonal connections I think are overall better, sometimes it just isn't possible. The internet is an amazing tool, so make good use of it. Don't be afraid to ask all your questions, even the ones you think are silly or embarrassing. Learn all you can from others.

2- Take the time to research country requirements.

I do not say this as a hard and fast rule, but I think it may save you heartache or unexpected frustration in the long run. The requirements of countries can vary significantly, and there are many factors to take into account. Here are just a few:

1. income/assets required
2. length of time in the country
3. allowed ages of adoptive parents
4. number of trips required
5. whether the adoption is finalized in the country or has to be finished in the US courts
6. the types of medical evaluations needed
7. length of marriage of adoptive parents

Another difference that up until recently we were not aware of, is that some countries release their child profiles to multiple adoption agencies at once. This means that, if you were in the process of working to adopt a specific child from one of these countries with agency X, another family, using agency Y, may be farther along in the process without you or your agency even knowing it. The family that is ahead in the process may then be given full access to that child's file which would halt your effort for your desired child. An important question you might want to ask when looking into adopting from a country is “at what point in the process will the child’s file be held exclusively for my family?” In some countries that is much later in the process than in others. Now, please hear me, I am not saying to avoid these countries altogether and therefore those children. I am simply saying to be aware of this possibility in advance so that you are not blindsided if it happens.

Another important item to be aware of is which countries are under the Hague convention. Basically, countries under the Hague convention have signed agreements setting standards in international adoptions. This essentially means that the chances of corruption or unfair dealings are reduced. Also, it is important to keep in mind that some adoption grants will only allow one to apply if the adoption is being done through a Hague country. Again, those children in nonHague countries deserve permanent and loving families and should not be avoided just because of where they happen to reside. However, it is worth knowing this information up front, again so that you will not be shocked if things do become more difficult.

3- Seek out agency recommendations from those who have adopted.

The agency you will end up working with will be a huge part of your life for many months. It is a good idea to hear feedback from others on what they liked or didn't like about the specific agency they went through. Of course, your agency choice may be limited by what country you are adopting from, but it is still a good idea to hear what others have to say in this matter. For our part, we especially recommend Children’s Hope International; we can, of course, only speak for one of their country programs, but we have consistently found their staff to be professional, helpful, and thorough. They can often and easily be reached by phone, which is helpful for unexpected questions and just overall peace of mind, especially if it is your first adoption.

I hope, if you are considering international adoption, I hope you found this helpful. If you know anyone who is interested in the process, please feel free to pass this along. As I said above, this is only the first installment, so keep an eye out for the others on this topic in the weeks ahead!