When Luke and I first decided to start
the adoption process back in 2014, we figured we would be asked a lot
of questions. I am happy to say that most of them have been well
thought out, and respectful. However, those are not the subject of
this post. I thought I would take this opportunity to tell you about
the two most awkward questions that were asked and one poor remark
that was made. Luke was the one who had to field most of these; I
feel bad for him, but am frankly glad that I wasn’t the one put in
such an uncomfortable spot. I hope you all enjoy a glimpse of the
“what the heck, did that just happen?” moments of our world. We
seem to have a lot of those.
1. “So, which one of you can't have kids?”
No, I'm not kidding, I wish I was.
This inconsiderate question was asked by a co-worker shortly after we
had just started the process to adopt Lexy. Now, there are two
glaring problems with this question. The first is the assumption
that we are only adopting because we can't have “our own” kids.
It is the idea that adoption is the second best or used car option of
the child world. As I have said in previous posts, there are so many
reasons to adopt, and none of them have to do with being unable to
have kids biologically.
The second obvious error in asking such
a question is that such a topic is none of your business.
Infertility can be such a hard and painful issue and chances are, if
one is struggling with this, he or she is likely to not want to
discuss it so casually, especially with a passing acquaintance like a co-worker.
But again, this question still makes a wrong underlying assumption.
It assumes that the reason for adoption is about me or that it is
done or not done, to make me happy. Adoption is not about me; it is
about the orphan.
2. “Yeah, because having kids is just so hard on the body, right?”
Now, this may be true, but again, it
assumes that I am adopting for what I can get out of it or because it
will make my life easier somehow. This conjecture isn't even accurate as often, from a purely selfish standpoint, adopting makes
one's life harder. Once again, this question assumes the motive for adopting to be focused on my happiness with no thought given to the plight of so many orphans.
This aside, it is just an awkward question that I still, after all
these years, cannot fathom that somebody actually asked it as if it
were the most normal and natural topic of conversation.
3. “Oh, she looks so much like you (Ashley), I thought she was your own.”
Now to be as fair to the person who said this, I know what they probably meant. They most likely meant it in the "you didn't give birth to her sense" Be that as it may, that was a poor choice of words.
that poor remark was said in Lexy’s hearing, I might add. Thankfully, she was engaged in the play area at the restaurant and was very preoccupied going down the slides. She was also much younger and was not as acutely listening to everything we say, like she does now. Of course she is ours, as if adopting her made her illegitimate or only partially ours, like getting a book on loan from a library. I think of the three, this was the most frustrating to me because I was present and Lexy was in earshot.
that poor remark was said in Lexy’s hearing, I might add. Thankfully, she was engaged in the play area at the restaurant and was very preoccupied going down the slides. She was also much younger and was not as acutely listening to everything we say, like she does now. Of course she is ours, as if adopting her made her illegitimate or only partially ours, like getting a book on loan from a library. I think of the three, this was the most frustrating to me because I was present and Lexy was in earshot.
Sometimes the audacity of people
surprises me. I do not mind, in the least, considerate questions
relating to adoption. It is a topic I love to talk about and I wish
there were more conversations about it in general.I just wish people would be more considerate and thoughtful before words just come out of their mouth. :)
