***Author’s note***
First, I just need to say I
honestly feel pretentious using the term author, but I felt like
“writer’s note” was an odd phrase. Be that as it may, I
wanted to explain what this letter has come to mean. When I
started writing it, I didn’t realize the impact this seemingly
simple thing was going to have on me. I wanted to try and
communicate to people (family members and friends of those adopting
and those in the trenches of the adoption process) about the loss in
adoption when things don’t go as planned. I think this is an
area of grief that so many are unaware of or ill-prepared for.
We certainly were. I also had hoped that it could be a comfort
to anyone who has lost a child, regardless of the circumstances.
In my social work career
(before I became a full-time mom), I had at times suggested this
approach of writing a letter to someone, even if it could never be
sent. I never had a reason to do it myself. Well, as it
turns out, it is quite effective and reveals a lot of things.
It didn’t take me long, as I
started writing and the words tumbled out, for me to realize this was
more than an exercise or an educational tool. I was and still am
drastically grieving the abrupt and unexpected separation from my
twin girls. I have to admit, this surprised me. I, of
course, knew I was still sad over what had happened, but I didn’t
realize how deeply embedded it still was. I had continued to think
that there would be healing once we were matched again. Our
family could finally just move forward with our adoption journey.
As the weeks have gone on,
though, the wait has become more and more frustrating. Writing
this piece has shown me, as I need constant reminder, of God’s
wisdom and sovereignty once again. I’ve come to see that
perhaps the purpose of this continued waiting is, at least in part,
to give me time to rightly and properly grieve. I have been
granted the time to not hurriedly disregard their memories, while
also not projecting emotions onto the new child or children.
Both of these realities are so important. I do hope, if you
decide to read the actual letter, that it will be of benefit to you
or someone you know. However, if you don’t feel that it would
do either of those things, please feel no obligation to read it.
There is no reason to read something that could make you sad, just
for sadness sake. There’s already enough sadness in this
world.
***End Author’s note***
Dear Zoe and Madeline,
There is so much I want to say to
both of you, yet somehow it is still so hard to find the right words.
I guess I’ll start at the very beginning, when we were told we
could adopt you. When I learned that you two were identical
twins, I smiled. You see, I am blind, just like you Madeline. I
had always had this idea in the back of my mind that I would one day
have identical twins and that they would mess with me as they grew
up, making me guess who was who and just generally making my life
crazy but silly. It was so funny to me that this was actually
going to happen.
We were excited and anxious to
get you both home as fast as we could. We were happy to start
another adoption journey, and we couldn’t wait to meet you.
You see, it takes a long time to adopt, and there is so much to do,
but none of that mattered. All we knew, what kept us moving
forward, was that we didn’t want you to be in that orphanage
anymore.
Madeline, we wanted to help you
learn to walk and speak and to show you that blindness doesn’t have
to hold you back. Zoe, you were going to be our first sighted
child, and we were excited about that and maybe a little nervous
too. We couldn’t wait to see you discover the world, getting
to literally see the amazing things around you, not to mention all
the mischief you would get in to because of your sight.
You two deserved so much better
than the orphanage life. We couldn’t stand by and do
nothing. We wanted to be your family, regardless of any
difficulties. We wanted our son and daughter to know you as
their sisters. We wanted you to have the chance to experience
so many things that we take for granted about childhood, like having
a favorite toy, going to the playground, Thanksgiving, decorating the
Christmas tree or experiencing grandma’s cooking for the first
time. We had so many plans and hopes for you. We told so
many friends and family about you. Your sister was excited
about sharing her room with you both and had already planned who
would sleep where. We had no idea what to expect but we knew
we’d love you and we’d all figure out a new normal together.
But now, the government in your
country has suddenly taken all that from us. They say we’re
not to be your family after all. It feels like something has
been ripped out of us. We never met you in person but that
doesn’t matter! We saw pictures and videos and read about you
and that was enough. You were already our daughters; we were
committed to you. It’s so strange and feels so wrong that
someone literally around the world, who has never met us, can just
say no, that they don’t think we’re right for you and just uproot
you from our lives. It hurts. We miss you and think about
you so much.
Your daddy and I find ourselves
thinking about things like how you would have gotten along with your
sister and what adventures you would have had together. I
wonder how you would have tormented your brother. Would you
have learned an instrument or been an artist or played sports?
What foods would you have relished? Who would you have grown up
to be? We’ll never get to know, and I just never saw that
coming.
I think the hardest part is
wondering who your new family is. Who did the people in charge
choose and why them over us? Will you have siblings?
Where will you live? What will your days look like? Will
you be safe? I can’t know any of this. Even so, I am so happy
that you will get out of the orphanage. I’m so happy that you
will have a family. I just wish it could have been us.
We are still planning to adopt,
but we want you to know that we will never forget you. We will
always think of you, miss you and pray for you in your new lives.
You will always be our girls. If our adoption journeys have
taught us anything, it’s that you shouldn’t be afraid to give.
Don’t be afraid to sacrifice for others, to truly give your best
for them. Please work hard, learn as much as you can and grow
into beautiful, intelligent, kind and strong women. Your mommy,
daddy, brother, and sister love you both so much and are always
praying for you and your new family. May they treasure you and teach
you well.
