An Overview of a Year: as Experienced Through Our Third Adoption Journey

When we started this third adoption process, we knew it would be an emotional experience.  Our last two were no exception, but we just didn’t realize the kind of emotions we would have to process this time through.  During our adoptions of Jon and Lexy, we dealt with the anxiety of waiting and the pain of separation in between trips.  We dealt with the concern over what our “normal” would now look like, once they both arrived.  This time around though, we have dealt with so much uncertainty and sadness.  My goal, as 2018 is ending, is for this post to be a remembrance for the kids we never got to know.  I also hope this will give you a very personal glimpse into the life of an adoptive family.  Maybe this will be a chance for you to learn about a different perspective and life perhaps from your “normal.” routines.

Around this time last year, Luke and I were in the living room of my family’s home in Florida.  We were looking at a profile of a little girl from an Asian country, named Chloe, who was blind.  We felt immediate concern for her but held back.  Jon had just come home three months earlier and we also weren’t sure we were financially settled enough to start another adoption.  So we delayed, but finally, in February, we contacted the agency that had her profile and started the process.  There was an immensely long unexpected wait for the authorities in her country to decide if they would consider our family, due to my blindness.  When they finally did, in April, we were ready.  We were ready to go through the country’s more stringent and frankly vexing requirements for Chloe’s sake.  The very next day, after we had just heard the positive news of our acceptance and readying ourselves, we were told Chloe would be given to another family.  We had been well warned of this possibility, but it still hurt.  The immediate thoughts of “what if we hadn’t delayed, back in December” pursued us relentlessly.  I still think of her and hope she is safe with her new family, wherever that may be.

Then, after taking some time to regroup, we went back to the agency through which we had adopted Lexy.  We were given the profile of the twins, Zoe and Madeline.  Now, the loss of Chloe, as hard as it was, at least made some sense to us now.  Surely, these were the girls we were supposed to adopt.  We were very familiar and comfortable with the country’s process, having gone through it two times before.  We were very certain that they could not be given to a different family, as we had adopted from the same country twice with no such experience.  Surely now, this would go smoothly.  Well in September of this year, a few days after our friends from church had just helped us organize a large garage sale specifically to raise money for our girls, the most unexpected news hit us out of the blue; the twins were not to be ours either.

Just a few weeks ago, we asked for more information about a little girl named Maggie.  However, after reading through her medical information, we learned that she suffers from seizures.  This was one of the few things, that we stated in our paperwork, we couldn’t take on.  As I am the primary caregiver and am totally blind, we just couldn’t do that for safety reasons.  The other issue we cannot make work is deafness, as communication with the majority of my family would be exceedingly difficult for a deaf child.  I wish I could explain in appropriate words how hard it was to make that phone call, saying that we couldn’t move forward with Maggie’s profile.  I know there was no moral guilt in that decision.  I know from a purely logical standpoint, we made the right choice, for her safety and for our entire family’s well-being.  But I still feel that I abandoned that girl; I found myself wishing that I wasn’t blind.  The agency already experienced great difficulty in finding a family for her (due to her many medical problems) and I hated that we were now just another number on that list.  Pray for Maggie.

So now, as this year draws to a close, we are not at all where I thought we’d be in this process.  I thought by this time we would have gone to meet our child for our first trip.  We don’t even have a child yet that we are fighting for.  We are just waiting.  We are waiting to finally be matched with a child.  All our paperwork is submitted and approved; there is nothing we can do to speed up the process.  So we wait.  While we wait, we think about these four girls that we lost for various reasons.  It grieves me that there is even one name on such a list, but for there to be four.  I just never saw that coming.  I had always known how blessed we were, in regard to how smoothly Jon and Lexy’s adoptions went.  Now, I truly am aware of how gracious and beyond kind God was to us.

But God is good all the time, and all the time God is good.  I know that these four girls are not lost to him; he has not forgotten them.  He has a purpose in all of these difficulties that our family has faced, and He also has a purpose for each of those girls lives.  God is sovereign over all things, and none of this slipped through his fingers.  I hold to that, whenever I start to think of those girls, and I wonder if there was something else we could or should have done.  I hold to that as I wonder what the new year will bring for us.

 Music is another passion of mine so I’m ending this post with two songs.  The first of these is in the above video.  This is a beautiful song, written by Rich Mullins, (but recorded by his friends after his sudden and unexpected death) that has really resonated with me as this year has progressed.  It is a song of raw emotion but also trust and hope.  I hope it will make you think and also bring you comfort, as it has done for me.

 The second song is one I first heard at church.  It reminds me of who is in control and why we are doing all of this to begin with.  It is one that I am planning to start playing every New Year’s Eve as a reminder.  Perhaps it can be that for you.

Christmas Time Reflections of an Adoptive Mother

I can’t believe it’s already Christmas eve, time sure goes by so fast! It’s also so hard to believe that I have been a mom for a little over 3 years now. In some ways, the time has flown by and in others, well not so much. I think how far my son and daughter have come in such a short time and I am so proud of them and thankful to God for His care of them. This time of year lends itself well to reflection and adoption sure gives one much to reflect upon.

This is our first Christmas, in quite a while, where we are not traveling. This has caused me to experience mixed emotions. On the one hand, I miss my parents, siblings and in-laws and want to see them, particularly around such a special time.  However, even stronger than my own feelings, I want my kids to experience Christmas around all the extended family. But on the other side, I am excited to discover what Christmas for just our little, immediate family looks like.

I think Christmas, and all its associated traditions of family, food, decorations and gifts is probably one of everyone’s fondest memories of childhood.  It is also, if we don't take a moment to pause, time which we can so easily take for granted. As I think back on my childhood and associated Christmas memories with my family (certain music, making the same desserts every year, smelling that breakfast casserole in the morning), I find myself thinking of my kids, especially my son. For the first eight years of his life, it is extremely likely that he never enjoyed any of those things that we can just assume is part of every child's experience around this time of year. He doesn’t have any of those special memories. He never had that anticipation; it was probably pretty similar to all his other orphanage days, with perhaps a couple pieces of candy thrown in.

But far more important than the fun aspects, I want them to know the true meaning of Christmas.  When I was growing up, we had the nativity scenes (which my mom and I had this continuous game of rearranging); we would talk about the meaning of it.  We would read the christmas narrative from the gospel of Luke before starting the morning festivities.  There was also our church's annual Christmas eve service.  I doubt either of my kids were told anything about who Jesus is or the reason why Christmas is so important.  I'm hoping to change that, too.

this is a new experience for both my kids.  I have been trying to find ways to give them those unique reminders that this time of year is different from all the other months.  It can be a bit tricky as, they are both blind, so they can’t just by default see the Christmas tree every time they run into the living room. I’ve had to find other ways, through sound and touch, to remind them that Christmas time is unique and special. We play Christmas music a lot, we’ve been making special Christmas candies (chocolate butterscotch peanut clusters, white chocolate covered peanut butter crackers, etc.), talking about Christmas dinner, decorating and of course the gifts under the tree. But even those gifts, which to most kids are the highlight, have taken some time to excite them. Just a couple days ago, Lexy came and asked me, for the first time, if she could “go look at the presents.” This simple act of feeling the packages and shaking them and trying to guess what they are, that seems so central to every kid’s Christmas experience, literally just occurred to my five year old daughter. Jon has not yet expressed any such interest. I am very hopeful that by next year, that will change for him.

Emotions are such a crazy thing. I find myself wanting to give my kids all they’ve missed due to their orphanage years. I want to somehow undo any negative things they may have faced during that time when they weren’t ours. I want to make up for all the missed opportunities, learning and experiences, but I know that isn’t fully possible. I also wish we had been able to adopt sooner and had somehow found these two when they were younger. Again, I know that isn’t rational or for that matter, healthy.  I also frequently think of Zoe and Madeline and wonder if they are home with their family by now. I hope so. Finally, I wonder who will be coming to join our crazy family; I wish we could send them a Christmas present. But in all this, there is one thing onto which I hold; I know that God is sovereign and His timing is perfect. So the best I can do is give my kids all that I can and pray that it will be enough. So, if you have kids or grand-kids or nieces or nephews, and you see them reveling in all the joy of Christmas, enjoy it with them for all it’s worth! And in the quiet moments, think of all the kids, here in this country and overseas, who won’t be enjoying this time. Consider if you could change that for one or multiple of those kids by this time next year. What a Christmas gift that would be!

Three Years Home: Lexy's Story

Today is a very special day for my family and my daughter in particular. Lexy has been talking about and waiting for this day for quite a while. She got to pick an activity; she chose to go to Jump Around Utah, a large bounce house. We assumed this would be her pick, as it combines climbing and jumping, two of her favorite things. She also got to choose a special dinner. In case you’re curious, she requested popcorn chicken, rice and baked beans. So why the royal treatment for this little girl today? Well, it’s because she has been home for 3 whole years now!

Many of you reading this may already know my children well. For those who don't, permit me a moment to tell you about my daughter. Alexandra (Lexy) Lee Wayne is 5 years old. She is brave, strong willed, smart and loves to climb everything possible. She is also a typical girl who loves shoes, clothes and to have her hair braided. She thoroughly enjoys her gymnastics class. She has shown a knack for learning piano, but at least for now, lacks any discipline to actually practice. When she is so inclined, she is an avid learner, particularly excelling in geography and grammar. Seriously, she can tell you what tense a verb is in, can diagram sentences (adverbs, adjectives, nouns and verbs) and can tell you the four sentence types. Of course, this all has to be her idea but when she cares to show off her learning, it is impressive. She bronzes beautifully in the sun, unlike her parents. She remembers everything we say and will remind us of that at highly annoying times. She can be surprisingly and extremely helpful to me in the kitchen or in everyday tasks of the home. She loves to spin and can do this for way longer than you think is healthy or even possible without getting dizzy.

This is a brief portrait of my crazy, wonderful and at times exhausting child. However, now I want to take a moment to tell you who she was when we first met her. I am telling you this for two reasons. First, so that you can truly get to know who this little girl is and how far she has come. The second, and I feel more urgent reason, is to further emphasize the need for families to adopt. I hope that this will show you the difference a family can make in a child's life and why the plight of orphans cannot continue to be ignored. These kids really matter. They don’t just matter enough for platitudes or likes on social media. They matter enough for concrete action on our part.

The following video was taken from our hotel in September 2015, when we first visited Lexy.

Lexy spent the first 17 months or so of her life in an orphanage, of which we know nothing about. We also know nothing regarding her birth parents, except that her mother may have use alcohol and that she left her at the hospital soon after she was born. When Lexy was around 18 or 19 months old, her orphanage closed down. She was placed in a foster home with two foster parents and a foster brother. We are so thankful for this, as being in a more family-like environment made a huge difference for her and made her transition to our home easier. We are so appreciative of Lexy's foster mother; she seemed to genuinely care for her. The family did not have much (we briefly saw their home and the room where Lexy slept), but her foster mother would take her to the park regularly and was kind to her. Her little foster brother loved her and would always give her huge hugs. If he had not already been adopted by Lexy's foster family, we would have tried to adopt him as well, to keep them together. When Lexy first came home, she would call out in Bulgarian (as we found out from some good friends who skyped with us) for “mother” and “brother”, asking to play. That was hard on all of us.

When Lexy came home , she was two and a half years old. She was not walking on her own (even though her legs were strong and sound), was not eating solid food (even though she had a full mouth of teeth), was not using the toilet and was not speaking at the level typical for her age. I am not saying these things to disparage her foster family, please understand that. Blind children are viewed there as much more disabled than is the reality; it is possible that her foster family believed she would not be able to walk on her own. As to the food, they did not have much, it was more affordable to keep her on cheap items, such as soup. It is understandable but still sad and not how it should be. When she came home she barely weighed 22 pounds. She now weighs 34 pounds and is very proud of that fact. And she eats like a horse and relishes almost any food.

Why am I telling you this? It is not because I am wanting to show what a great family we are and how far we have taken this poor girl. On the contrary, she teaches me so much everyday. I am telling all of this, in hopes of showing what a stable, loving, structured family and home life can do for a child. It is not easy by any means and some days are better than others. Children need family and structure and I hope this comparison of my daughter’s former and latter life proves that. Consider if you, as a foster parent or through adoption, could provide this change of life for a child. It can be a painful sacrifice on your part, as it is for me on many days, but it is so worth it!

A Letter to My Lost Twin Girls

***Author’s note***

First, I just need to say I honestly feel pretentious using the term author, but I felt like “writer’s note” was an odd phrase.  Be that as it may, I wanted to explain what this letter has come to mean.  When I started writing it, I didn’t realize the impact this seemingly simple thing was going to have on me.  I wanted to try and communicate to people (family members and friends of those adopting and those in the trenches of the adoption process) about the loss in adoption when things don’t go as planned.  I think this is an area of grief that so many are unaware of or ill-prepared for.  We certainly were.  I also had hoped that it could be a comfort to anyone who has lost a child, regardless of the circumstances.

In my social work career (before I became a full-time mom), I had at times suggested this approach of writing a letter to someone, even if it could never be sent.  I never had a reason to do it myself.  Well, as it turns out, it is quite effective and reveals a lot of things.

It didn’t take me long, as I started writing and the words tumbled out, for me to realize this was more than an exercise or an educational tool. I was and still am drastically grieving the abrupt and unexpected separation from my twin girls.  I have to admit, this surprised me.  I, of course, knew I was still sad over what had happened, but I didn’t realize how deeply embedded it still was. I had continued to think that there would be healing once we were matched again.  Our family could finally just move forward with our adoption journey.

As the weeks have gone on, though, the wait has become more and more frustrating.  Writing this piece has shown me, as I need constant reminder, of God’s wisdom and sovereignty once again.  I’ve come to see that perhaps the purpose of this continued waiting is, at least in part, to give me time to rightly and properly grieve.  I have been granted the time to not hurriedly disregard their memories, while also not projecting emotions onto the new child or children.  Both of these realities are so important.  I do hope, if you decide to read the actual letter, that it will be of benefit to you or someone you know.  However, if you don’t feel that it would do either of those things, please feel no obligation to read it.  There is no reason to read something that could make you sad, just for sadness sake.  There’s already enough sadness in this world.

***End Author’s note***

Dear Zoe and Madeline,

There is so much I want to say to both of you, yet somehow it is still so hard to find the right words. I guess I’ll start at the very beginning, when we were told we could adopt you.  When I learned that you two were identical twins, I smiled. You see, I am blind, just like you Madeline.  I had always had this idea in the back of my mind that I would one day have identical twins and that they would mess with me as they grew up, making me guess who was who and just generally making my life crazy but silly.  It was so funny to me that this was actually going to happen.

We were excited and anxious to get you both home as fast as we could.  We were happy to start another adoption journey, and we couldn’t wait to meet you.  You see, it takes a long time to adopt, and there is so much to do, but none of that mattered.  All we knew, what kept us moving forward, was that we didn’t want you to be in that orphanage anymore.

Madeline, we wanted to help you learn to walk and speak and to show you that blindness doesn’t have to hold you back.  Zoe, you were going to be our first sighted child, and we were excited about that and maybe a little nervous too.  We couldn’t wait to see you discover the world, getting to literally see the amazing things around you, not to mention all the mischief you would get in to because of your sight.

You two deserved so much better than the orphanage life.  We couldn’t stand by and do nothing.  We wanted to be your family, regardless of any difficulties.  We wanted our son and daughter to know you as their sisters.  We wanted you to have the chance to experience so many things that we take for granted about childhood, like having a favorite toy, going to the playground, Thanksgiving, decorating the Christmas tree or experiencing grandma’s cooking for the first time.  We had so many plans and hopes for you.  We told so many friends and family about you.  Your sister was excited about sharing her room with you both and had already planned who would sleep where.  We had no idea what to expect but we knew we’d love you and we’d all figure out a new normal together.

But now, the government in your country has suddenly taken all that from us.  They say we’re not to be your family after all.  It feels like something has been ripped out of us.  We never met you in person but that doesn’t matter!  We saw pictures and videos and read about you and that was enough.  You were already our daughters; we were committed to you.  It’s so strange and feels so wrong that someone literally around the world, who has never met us, can just say no, that they don’t think we’re right for you and just uproot you from our lives.  It hurts.  We miss you and think about you so much.

Your daddy and I find ourselves thinking about things like how you would have gotten along with your sister and what adventures you would have had together.  I wonder how you would have tormented your brother.  Would you have learned an instrument or been an artist or played sports?  What foods would you have relished?  Who would you have grown up to be?  We’ll never get to know, and I just never saw that coming.

I think the hardest part is wondering who your new family is.  Who did the people in charge choose and why them over us?  Will you have siblings?  Where will you live?  What will your days look like?  Will you be safe?  I can’t know any of this. Even so, I am so happy that you will get out of the orphanage.  I’m so happy that you will have a family. I just wish it could have been us.

We are still planning to adopt, but we want you to know that we will never forget you.  We will always think of you, miss you and pray for you in your new lives.  You will always be our girls.  If our adoption journeys have taught us anything, it’s that you shouldn’t be afraid to give. Don’t be afraid to sacrifice for others, to truly give your best for them.  Please work hard, learn as much as you can and grow into beautiful, intelligent, kind and strong women.  Your mommy, daddy, brother, and sister love you both so much and are always praying for you and your new family. May they treasure you and teach you well.

A Fun Bit of News

So as you probably have gathered from some of my more lengthy posts, I enjoy writing. :)  I still have a long way to go in developing this skill, but it has always been a way that I could express myself more effectively.  I had wanted to start this blog for a while now and thanks to the encouragement of family and so many friends, I finally did and I'm glad to have taken that step.  Over the last month or so, I'd been thinking about the idea of submitting writing to parenting blog sites, to see if anything would get published.  This felt like a huge step and I went back and forth as to if I would actually do it.

I am well aware that our family situation is quite unique, but even with that, I still wondered if it was worth my time and effort to try and get something published.  After all, there are so many family stories out there but with the encouragement of my awesome husband, I finally decided to give it a try.  I actually found it fun, researching the many sites out there. They all have different styles and writing submission guidelines; it was interesting learning some about that world.  So, with much uncertainty, a couple days before thanksgiving I sent in an article to the site called Scary Mommy. If you're a parent, you should check it out.  It's style is very sarcastic and blunt and they tackle so many facets of parenting.  Well, to my surprise and delight, I heard back about a week later, saying that they had accepted my article!  It was published on the 1st and if you'd like to read it, you can find it  Here.

I'll admit, until I actually saw it on their site, I had my doubts as to if this was actually going to happen.  It is still so crazy to see my name there.  I am hopeful that perhaps I can have other pieces published at Scary Mommy and elsewhere.  I am working on a few things; it will be fun to see what comes of it.  Thank you to everyone who reads and shares my blog, I really do appreciate it so much!  There are so many amazing people who put their thoughts and stories out there; it means so much that you take the time to read mine. :)