My kids and I were riding in my
friend’s car. The two of us were chatting when my 5-year-old
daughter, from the backseat, casually asked my friend “are you a
grown up?” My friend, who is about 15 years younger than I,
paused for a moment and then said thoughtfully, “yes, but most days
I don’t feel like I have things together.” I chuckled and
agreed with her; then my daughter piped up again from the backseat
and in a confident tone said, “I’m together.”
When it happened, this cute
exchange just made me smile, and I quickly moved on with my busy
life. However, as I took more time to consider, this short and
simple conversation caused me to think about that little word which
seems to relentlessly pursue us as moms: “together.” We
need to have our stuff together. We need to be together as a
wife, mom, employee and as a person in general. We usually
don’t feel together at all. When we don’t feel together, we
get frustrated with ourselves and this frustration often spills over
and impacts the ones we care the most about. How is it we can
let one little word overtake us and cause us to chase such a vague
concept? What on earth does it mean to be “together”
anyway?
It sure seems to me that when we
use that word, we are basically trying to achieve some elusive,
unattainable idea of perfection. When we talk about feeling (or
on most days, not feeling) together, what we really mean is that
we’re supposed to do everything well, from every aspect of life,
all the time. We are supposed to have all the laundry done on
schedule, cook all the healthy, but also good tasting, meals, keep
the house clean, spend lots of quality uninterrupted time with our
kids, while also being a wonderful wife and thorough and hardworking
employee, as the case may be. I don’t know about you, but I’m
exhausted just writing that, much less trying to accomplish such a
list!
I think it’s time to
drastically modify our definition of having things together.
Why are we driving ourselves crazy trying to be something that isn’t
even possible? For my part, I’m working on seeing “together”
as something much simpler. My kids were fed, bathed and dressed
today. We had some time to play and, at other points during the
day, I did some (but not all) of the housework while they played
without me. We are a homeschooling family, so I focused on the
essentials of their schooling for the day. The basic
necessities were done, although perhaps not in the most orderly and
smooth fashion. There are still things that need to be
finished, and that’s okay! Let’s start being realistic with
ourselves and each other; life is already hard enough without us
putting such burdens on our own shoulders.
Let’s be okay with doing the
best we can and stop trying to attain perfection. Our kids need
to see us slow down and not be so consumed with being everything to
everyone, all the time. We need to show them that, yes, we
should work hard but also to have realistic expectations of ourselves
and others. We need to learn how to be all right with delayed
projects, untidy rooms at times and days when the kids eat boxed
macaroni, nuggets and fries. None of these things mean that we
have failed as an adult; they’re just an example of real life.
We’re not meant to be the perfect wife, mother, and employee all
the time. No human being can be perfect at even one of those
things. It is freeing to realize this simple, yet profound,
truth. Yes, absolutely work hard for your family but don’t
despair when you don’t get it all right all the time, or even some
of the time. I personally don’t want to be a grandmother who
still feels like she’s “not together.” My daughter, only
being 5 and not understanding the nuanced meaning that we have added
to that word, viewed being together in a more straightforward,
literal way. It meant, to her, nothing more complicated than
just being with family or friends, with no extra pressure. We
have made such a simple word needlessly complicated. I think we
would all do well to take her simple, more easygoing approach to that
word and to life in general. It would probably do us all some
good.
