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| Photo Credit: Unsplash.com user Tanaphong Toochinda. (Not the actual child from the story below) |
When you think of children, what is the main activity you think of
all of them, regardless of where they live, engaging in? I
would venture a guess, if you gave it a few moments thought, it would
be imagining or pretending. This is what I assumed as well.
However, when I was working at a homeless shelter a few years ago, I
had an experience I will never forget. I was working with a
certain family, trying to help them get their life back together.
It was a mom with three young children. Sadly, the mother
constantly yelled at her kids and spoke to them in a demeaning
manner. The little girl, who was no older than my daughter and
whose name I still remember, was holding a toy camera in the common
room. I walked by and asked in an excited, playful tone if she
would take my picture. In a half stoic, half patronizing tone,
she answered me “It's not a real camera.” I was shocked and
deeply saddened. I had taken it for granted that children
everywhere, regardless of circumstances, knew how and just plain
liked to pretend. It makes perfect sense, though, that a
difficult, painful, or physically or emotionally exhausting life
would dim that aspect of childhood or just eliminate it all
together. I will never forget that little girl and I pray that
her life changed for the better. She would be about 13 now; I
hope she has been given back the joy of life.
When we started our adoption process for our daughter, I somehow did
not think of the above experience. We are so accomplished at
compartmentalizing our lives, it just didn't enter my mind. So
when we visited Lexy as well as when she first arrived home, one of
the first things that stood out to us was that she didn't pretend or
imagine. She would just functionally play with toys and often
by herself, without seeming to want or know what to do with any
interaction from us. It was an odd place to find ourselves.
First, we were with a child who literally didn't know how to pretend
and second, wondering how to teach this assumed innate skill.
The thing that started Lexy on her journey of imagination was when
one random time we pretended to take a nap, covering up with one of
her blankets and accompanying the game with exaggerated snoring.
She found this absolutely hilarious and for a while after would mimic
us in this game. Pretending started with a simple real-life
action. This trend continued as we then started to pretend that
her toy animals were going on car rides to places we had actually
been together, like the park or the bank. Soon, no matter what
toy we were playing with, Lexy would always want it to “go on a car
ride.” Sometimes, this continued repetition was exhausting
for us, as we wanted variety, but it was so good for her.
Gradually, her categories for pretend increased and by the time Jon
came home, she was doing her best to help him learn to do the same.
We often would have to help poor Jon out, though, as he knew little
English and had no clue what Lexy was rattling on about. Often
she would pretend at him, as if he was fully engaged with what was
happening, at least in her mind anyway. For a while, he just
could not grasp what was going on. What words he did understand, he
understood in a concrete, literal way. I am happy to say that,
in his 11 months with us, this is changing. For Jon, it was
elevators. He loves them and he slowly began to pretend that
everything was an elevator, even when it made no logical sense.
We were so happy to see this process start with him. Now, he
pretends beyond just elevators to airplanes, for example. He now
plays along with Lexy in her imaginary friend world, which can be
quite amusing, if not confusing for us at times. He loves
pretending to go to Florida and see family. Again, it is
starting with real life, concrete things that we have actually done.
It warms my heart every time I hear my two children pretending
together, knowing how long they had gone without this simple joy that
is, to our American sentiments, an assumed characteristic of
childhood.
I wanted to share our experience in this area for two reasons.
First, for anyone considering adoption or being a foster parent, this
is something very important to be aware of. This way, you can
be thinking now how you can help your child learn this beautiful and
vital aspect of play. The second reason is simply to highlight
another example as to why you may want to consider adoption or being
a foster parent. Children should not face malnutrition, abuse,
and hardship; they should be given the chance to have a safe, loving
home. But beyond those needs, they should have the chance to be
children, to experience the simple joy of play for its own sake.
Adoption and/or being a foster parent can open up so many
possibilities for children and even this seemingly simple aspect of
play can have such a positive impact as they grow.
